Eat My Sports: Trampoline?

I want my childhood back. No, this isn’t one of those “my mommy and daddy didn’t give me enough love, so I started a nu metal band” kind of stories. This is a “I was watching television the other day and saw people competing, and being rewarded for jumping on a trampoline” type story.

I love watching the Olympics, I find it fascinating that one event can draw millions of people to care about sports they otherwise would not give a crap about. I also find myself confused as to why, in the big picture, is it so important that someone can move through water really fast? Now I’m just angry. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Trampoline?

A religious experiment

According to a survey in Monday’s Archives of Surgery, 57 percent of 1,000 surveyed adults believe in divine intervention: in this case, that God will step in and save dying patients.

OK, well, why stop at surgery? According to many of these same true believers, God isn’t just a doctor, but a ominpotent jack of all trades. Therefore, if there’s any basis to this, let’s see God save you, the god-fearing reader, from a direct threat to your faith.

In the next paragraph, you will read the most offensive sentence that will attack God and your beliefs and might possibly turn your children into Satan worshipers. If divine intervention is real, then God will do something to prevent you from reading it, leaving your fragile faith intact. Ready? Here goes:

ERROR 404

DOCUMENT NOT FOUND

HA! Suck on that, Xtians!

No matter who loses …

… we barbecuers of the world still win.

I call dibs on the body of the loser!

Boxing is serious business. Worldwide, it’s highly marketable-just ask Coca-cola and Pepsi. The two soda giants have set up camp and attempted to sink their claws into the newest hot boxer, Worapoj Phetkum. Yes Alex, they want Thai hot. Both companies have begun heavy negotiations and camping with the man.

Phetkum has yet to have a boxing match yet, mind you.

But all that’s set to change-he’s in the Olympics! Yes, Phetkum takes on Italy this Friday. It’s not just a winner-take-all match; the winner gets an Olympic medal. The loser gets to go home empty-handed.

Oh, and by the way, I’m talking about Pepsi and Coca-cola.

Suspected llama causes accident probably on purpose

We all know that we are at war with animals, but did you know that in Kansas it is illegal to be a llama? Yes, finally a state has stepped up where the federal government has not, in declaring illegal the state of being an animal, quieting adding species after species to the list.

One such outlaw is believed to have caused a fiery accident with a pick-up truck but injuring no one. We journalists know it is dangerous to call criminals anything but “suspected” or “alleged” criminals until they are found guilty by a trial of their peers or kill themselves waiting for trial.

That is why the Pratt (Kansas) Tribune handled the matter with this lead sentence:

Two people escaped injury Saturday after a pickup was destroyed by fire following a collision with a suspected llama.

That’s right, a suspected llama. The newspaper cannot say “a llama” without risking libel. This blog says if it walks like a llama and it spits like a llama it’s a llama.

The newspaper would have you believe that the driver of the car may have been intoxicated. There is no way of knowing that now. For all we know, the llama planted booze on the driver’s clothes after it realized it had failed to kill or injure the truck’s occupants. Watch out, nation. The llamas are out there.

Rambooze

Sure, some of us think as Sylvester Stallone as that beefy dude with the bandana that killed a lot of people, or as that over the hill boxer with the creepy trainer. Now Stallone is headed back to Russia … to advertise vodka!

In a deal worth $1 million, Stallone will be the spokesman for Russian Ice, which has the slogan “there is a bit of Russian in all of us.” Stallone, from Russian descent, showed us this slogan was nothing but true in his film debut The Party at Kitty and Stud’s, that’s right folks, The Italian Stallion is now the Russian Lush.