Day: August 21, 2008

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents. Continue reading How To: Kill your parents

America, F-Yeah!

Of course, in this case, the “F” stands for “fat.” I mean, China has definitely enjoyed a new sense of consumer business … possibly nearly too much in the waste line.

Fear not loyal Americans, this means nothing. China may be getting a bit too big for their britches, but America still takes the cake … along with the ham hocks, buttered sausages, ice cream cones and fried chicken.

China is now the fattest country in the world, second only to the United States.

We’re still number one…

USA, USA, USA!!!!!!

R-O-C-K IN THE U-S-A!

Amish plan to breed us out

In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.

With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!

Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.

This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.

And coming up at five: a need for a new partner

A Las Vegas television news reporter was fired from his job because he and his girlfriend went on Craigslist looking for another dude to join them in the bedroom. Wait a second, it’s Las Vegas–isn’t that what you usually have to do to get the job?

This is what I love about local television stations–anything can happen. No area is safe, even mine. And when something does happen-it always makes for great ratings, guaranteed.

Til no political correctness do you part

We’ve all received those sentimental Halmark cards in the past, even the funny ones with pictures Scooby, Batman or Spider-Man. Now, let’s say Batman and Robin do what has always been speculated that they do (other than sit around a cave and come up with super-sweet catchphrases), well then there is now a card for them to.

The suspense is killing you, right? Well wait no more! Hallmark fas finally come out with it’s new line of gay marriage cards. Since Halmark is toeing the line on this one, the inside is a neutral greeting, congratulating the couple on their vows. You’ve come a long way, Hallmark.

A new hobby for the cold winter months

Perhaps it’s just a coincidence that the Olympics have countries swelling with national pride, but Canada’s pride is soon going to cause other things to swell.

Federal regulators in Canada have granted a license to an all-adult television channel. We’re not talking all-adult as in action movies and cuss words, we’re talking about adult adult. More so, the channel promises to feature homegrown content at least half of the time. This means Canadians will soon have the chance to show what their made of.

“I think as Canadians there is a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff,” Shaun Donnelly, president of Real Productions, said during an interview on Friday.

Excellent point, Donnelly. Americans have cornered the adult entertainment market. We are like the major leagues of smut. (The Germans are in their own league.) But now, Canada has a chance to improve its farm system and foster some of real talent that must exist out there somewhere.

Just try not to laugh when you hear them say, “Are you aboot done?”