| Posted in How To, Kidz Korner

How To: Kill your parents

Let’s face it: for one reason or another, your parents have to die. Maybe it’s because you need that inheritance. Perhaps it’s because they’ve told you clean up your room too many times. Or you might just blame them for life.

We’ve already told you how to use violence to solve all of your familial problems. Since we try not to repeat ourselves, this guide will be a little different. Besides, if both of your parents suddenly end up dead, you’re the prime suspect. Prison or lethal injection is no way to enjoy a parent-free life, so read on to learn how to kill your parents.

Tools:

1) Hire someone to kill them.
Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong. If the police arrest a known contract killer, then you’re a suspect all over again, only for hiring an assassin.

To clear your name and protect your bank account, wait for the killer to finish off your parents. Then, stumble in with some kind of plausible self-defense weapon (guns must be registered) and kill the assassin.

If you’re really lucky, the cops will high-five you and make you an honorary police officer.

2) Play the waiting game.
You know what’s a common killer of parents? Diseases, like cancer or high cholesterol. The best part about these ailments is that you don’t have to wait around: you can actually hasten their endgame.

To speed up heart disease, offer to cook more at home. Your parents will think you’re buttering them up for something. Let them think that, because it’s not that far from the truth. (Hint: use a lot of butter.) For more information, consult the Fresh Prince episode where Uncle Phil has a heart attack because Will sneaks him a cheeseburger.

Cancer works a little quicker, but is more labor intensive:

  • Cut a tiny hole in the microwave, and then never use it yourself.
  • Buy a home tanning bed and replace the bulbs with a higher wattage.
  • If your parents are smokers, wait until they open a new pack, and then replace their cigarettes with a brand with more tar. If they’re already smoking unfiltered Pall Malls, then you only have a few years to wait, anyway.
  • Call their cell phones a lot from a pay phone.

3) Get married …
… to a guy with tattoos and a rap sheet named Chainsaw.

Men, same deal.

4) “Oops.”
You could always arrange an “accident.” Houses, they’re very, you know, dangerous places. Anything could happen, like:

  • Tripping over some hazard into the tree shredder.
  • Grabbing the wrong book, which pulls the whole bookcase on them.
  • Not noticing the camouflaged blanket over the backyard tiger pit.
  • The dog suddenly developing a taste for human blood. (How did that happen?) (Hint: feed the dog human blood.)
  • Getting the attic door pull cable caught around their neck.
  • Confusing spray insulation for Reddy-Whip.
  • Slipping on the wet bathroom floor face-first into the toilet when they can’t swim.

5) Fake your own death.
If anyone asks now, you’re an orphan.

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