Day: August 27, 2008

Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!

The LPGA has just passed a rule that will require all lady golfers to pass an oral (heh) English exam next year. Any two-year members who can’t pass the test in 2009 will face an immediate suspension. This new rule will affect a possible 121 foreign golfers on the tour, especially 45 South Koreans with translators.

As an English-writing blogger and avid viewer of the LPGA, I say GOOD. It’s about time!

I mean, sure: I normally watch ladies’ golf like I watch Rachel Ray: on mute with soft lighting and an oven mitt. While I may not hear them speak dirty, indescribable things to me, I need to know that they could if I ever met them in real life. That means speaking English-lusty, filthy English.

And English is what? American. It’s as American as pizza and bratwurst. It’s been spoken by Americans like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee and Jean-Claude Van Damme since they were first born in small Midwestern towns. Go to any library, and you’ll find the great founding works of our country-the Bible, Montesquieu, the ancient Greeks-all written in one language: English, motherf–ker.

And that’s why I say, good for you, LPGA. I’ve been through what you’re going through … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!

Town of Average, population: your kid

Speaking of gifted kids, did you know that there’s a good chance yours isn’t?

Well, not yours. Your kid is–of course–actually gifted. He or she just happens to be that 2 to 5 percent of actual gifted children destined to save the world from the Buggers. Don’t worry if you catch them picking their nose or flicking their little Yankee Doodle: that just means they’re eccentric.

Yep, your child’s obvious greatness is a testament to your fantastic parenting, unlike those parents with difficult children with Down’s Syndrome or cerebral palsy. Those parents have it so easy! Some of them don’t even have to chase their kids!

So congratulations to you (yes you), awesome parent of the century. Your child will make millions, and you’ll get into one of the nice homes, where you will be voted Second-Chance Prom Queen or King over and over again by the rest of us.

Nine year old banned from little league for being too awesome

Seriously.

Basically, the little guy was 9 and already had a 40 mph fastball. Essentially, the league banned him because he was too good for them. When the team refused to acknowledge the suspension and had him take the mound, the opposing team forfeited and went home. Sadly, though, it’s pretty obvious he was kicked out for refusing to join the right team. People only put up with those who are better than them if sucking up will benefit them. If sucking up to the alpha male will not offer any benefit then the betas would sooner kill him and take his harem for themselves. On the upside, he might be noticed by a major league team due to this. Nothing says “really good” like getting kicked out because everyone else looks like crud in comparison.

SG tried to interview the kid, but was told “No, you can’t go down there, if you do, his fastball will literally rip your face off.” Which works for me. Luckily though, he is certifiably Michael Bay approved.

Vote or dog

If it isn’t bad enough that bears are running rampant, whales are trying to nurse yachts or that we depict freeloading cats as cute comics (Garfield needs to go), the animals are slipping through our ironclad government, and registering to vote.

The worse part of this entire story, is that the dog is from Australia. Those blooming onion-eating, boomerang throwing, Foster’s drinking animals are trying to influence OUR election. Nice try, mate.

Masked burglar breaks into judge’s chambers

Animals are everywhere, why? Because that’s were they can find and harm us. However, these days we spend most of our time indoors. This is particularly true for public servants–just the people our beastly foes want to attack.

One such attack was foiled in Atlanta recently, when a federal judge found a half eaten apple on his desk, probably left there intentionally as a warning. From the footprints and other evidence, they concluded it was a raccoon that had left the message. A man, err, animalhunt began immediately.

A court clerk created a “wanted” poster, and Bonapfel’s staff posted a “raccoon crossing” sign on the judge’s door.

Days later, the culprit was caught and denied trial. Some media accounts say the critter was released, but others have noticed that the judge has been wearing a coonskin hat during hearings.