Day: August 29, 2008

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The 40 Year-Old Virgin’

The 40 Year-Old Virgin is, first and foremost, a coming out party for Steve Carell. The one-time Daily Show correspondent has made a name for himself by stealing the show in such movies as Bruce Almighty and Anchorman. It was only a matter of time before he was asked to carry one on his own, and The 40 Year-Old Virgin proves he has the chops to pull it off. With the yeoman aid of director Judd Apatow, he develops his faux-newsman routine into a much different comic persona that may launch him into the big leagues.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The 40 Year-Old Virgin’

You Missed It: Really long speeches edition

Alright, this one’s going to be brief. It’s Labor Day weekend getaway time, and most of you probably aren’t even reading this today. If you’re busy stuck in traffic today, odds are you missed it.

When the phone rings at 3 a.m. …
As promised, Sen. Barack Obama let his supporters know his pick for vice president first. The news that he had picked Sen. Joe Biden was sent out via text message before he announced it publicly. The decision meant he passed over former Sen. John Edwards AND his mistress. Supporters woke up to the sound of their phones beeping, then grumbled when they saw it was something that could wait until morning.

You are the weakest candidate, good bye
Not be outdone, Sen. John McCain’s campaign took a reality show-style approach to its VP prick process. Every day one name seemed to be eliminated, adding to the suspense as to who would be voted off next. One by one, they got whittled down until the announcement this morning that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was given the final rose by McCain. Palin is a former Miss Alaska beauty pageant contestant, and her rise to fame has already created a new term: VPILF.

Bob’s slightly smaller smile needs pills

The founder of the company that makes the fake penis enlargement pill Enzyte has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for fraud. That’s what you get for making people feel bad about their small penises … and defrauding the public of about $400 million. You could easily call this a case of just desserts, if you feel that the appropriate yet ironic punishment of one who defrauds men about their penises is for him to be sent to a federal prison. Hope he doesn’t need to take Enzyte in the big house … or that he’s pretty.

Penis.

Save the world, eat a cheeseburger

Often, we think of our animal foes as stupid. When compared to us, they are pretty dumb. However, it seems that each of them has some sort of special gift to offer, aside from tastiness. And when that gift is shared with the rest of its animal allies their special gifts make for one formidable enemy.

Scientists who have been studying cows (where can we sign up for an exciting job like that?) have determined that the lowly beasts have some sort of inner compass, which helps them determine north and south. This, of course, is important for orienteering.

With a sense of north and south, reading and navigating by maps is made considerably easier. This means the hated animals will gain a significant tactical asset. We cannot allow this. That is why you must have McDonald’s for lunch today.

That’s what kids are for

OK, so it turns out that little Caylee Anthony may not have disappeared so much as been murdered by her mother, according to reports.

Cue the moral outrage from the masses.

Yes, folks on the Internet, we get it: killing kids is bad. But what if it’s your kid? Are you going to let an entire community of people who can’t use the correct version of “there, their or they’re” tell you to raise–or not raise–your kid?

What if you know your kid is evil? (For the sake of argument, you went to a fortune teller.) Because Caylee was taken from us so young, we’ll never know if she was going to cure cancer or become the President of the United States or the next Hitler.

This blog exists on one principle: our parents brought us into the world, and they can take us back out. Let’s not go to crazy with reforming these child “murder” laws.