Month: August 2008

Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!

The LPGA has just passed a rule that will require all lady golfers to pass an oral (heh) English exam next year. Any two-year members who can’t pass the test in 2009 will face an immediate suspension. This new rule will affect a possible 121 foreign golfers on the tour, especially 45 South Koreans with translators.

As an English-writing blogger and avid viewer of the LPGA, I say GOOD. It’s about time!

I mean, sure: I normally watch ladies’ golf like I watch Rachel Ray: on mute with soft lighting and an oven mitt. While I may not hear them speak dirty, indescribable things to me, I need to know that they could if I ever met them in real life. That means speaking English-lusty, filthy English.

And English is what? American. It’s as American as pizza and bratwurst. It’s been spoken by Americans like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee and Jean-Claude Van Damme since they were first born in small Midwestern towns. Go to any library, and you’ll find the great founding works of our country-the Bible, Montesquieu, the ancient Greeks-all written in one language: English, motherf–ker.

And that’s why I say, good for you, LPGA. I’ve been through what you’re going through … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Speak English or go home (LPGA edition)!

Town of Average, population: your kid

Speaking of gifted kids, did you know that there’s a good chance yours isn’t?

Well, not yours. Your kid is–of course–actually gifted. He or she just happens to be that 2 to 5 percent of actual gifted children destined to save the world from the Buggers. Don’t worry if you catch them picking their nose or flicking their little Yankee Doodle: that just means they’re eccentric.

Yep, your child’s obvious greatness is a testament to your fantastic parenting, unlike those parents with difficult children with Down’s Syndrome or cerebral palsy. Those parents have it so easy! Some of them don’t even have to chase their kids!

So congratulations to you (yes you), awesome parent of the century. Your child will make millions, and you’ll get into one of the nice homes, where you will be voted Second-Chance Prom Queen or King over and over again by the rest of us.

Nine year old banned from little league for being too awesome

Seriously.

Basically, the little guy was 9 and already had a 40 mph fastball. Essentially, the league banned him because he was too good for them. When the team refused to acknowledge the suspension and had him take the mound, the opposing team forfeited and went home. Sadly, though, it’s pretty obvious he was kicked out for refusing to join the right team. People only put up with those who are better than them if sucking up will benefit them. If sucking up to the alpha male will not offer any benefit then the betas would sooner kill him and take his harem for themselves. On the upside, he might be noticed by a major league team due to this. Nothing says “really good” like getting kicked out because everyone else looks like crud in comparison.

SG tried to interview the kid, but was told “No, you can’t go down there, if you do, his fastball will literally rip your face off.” Which works for me. Luckily though, he is certifiably Michael Bay approved.

Vote or dog

If it isn’t bad enough that bears are running rampant, whales are trying to nurse yachts or that we depict freeloading cats as cute comics (Garfield needs to go), the animals are slipping through our ironclad government, and registering to vote.

The worse part of this entire story, is that the dog is from Australia. Those blooming onion-eating, boomerang throwing, Foster’s drinking animals are trying to influence OUR election. Nice try, mate.

Masked burglar breaks into judge’s chambers

Animals are everywhere, why? Because that’s were they can find and harm us. However, these days we spend most of our time indoors. This is particularly true for public servants–just the people our beastly foes want to attack.

One such attack was foiled in Atlanta recently, when a federal judge found a half eaten apple on his desk, probably left there intentionally as a warning. From the footprints and other evidence, they concluded it was a raccoon that had left the message. A man, err, animalhunt began immediately.

A court clerk created a “wanted” poster, and Bonapfel’s staff posted a “raccoon crossing” sign on the judge’s door.

Days later, the culprit was caught and denied trial. Some media accounts say the critter was released, but others have noticed that the judge has been wearing a coonskin hat during hearings.

Eat My Sports: &%$@ it, I’m becoming a women’s basketball fan

Don’t read to much into the headline children, that was a direct quote, from a New York Yankees fan.

I love baseball so much more now. Sure, the Boston Red Sox are 4.5 games back of the Tampa Bay Rays and only one game up in the Wild Card. However, my main goal of the season, as a Sox fan, was no matter what the outcome, just to be ahead of NY when the final game of the season came to an end. Truth be told, I’m honestly really hoping for a post-Manny playoff push now, but the fact that the Yankees are almost down and out brings a smile to my face. Continue reading Eat My Sports: &%$@ it, I’m becoming a women’s basketball fan

For shame, Elizabeth Edwards

SeriouslyReaders, we’re gonna take a minute to talk to Elizabeth Edwards for a post. You can read along, but it won’t be pretty.

How dare you, Elizabeth? What gives you the right to keep your husband’s affair a secret? Huh?

Look, Betty: we’re the American people. Your husband is famous. That means he’s ours to rake over the coals.

Your choices in this were limited to a) looking like a victim or b) kicking him to the curb so we can date him send him to prison or something.

It’s almost like you cheated on us.

Shh, it’s OK. Don’t cry. We’re not mad at you … just disappointed.

Unity. Togetherness. Solidarity. No clothing.

Nude figure models of the world unite! These are the things that guilds stand for-and you should be able to get them too. Seriously, because someone has started a guild for naked models in Washington D.C.. There is no worst case scenario. After all, you have nothing to lose-you already took your clothes off, right?

Sorry strippers, you’re not allowed in. You take your clothes off and put them on again far too often in a two minute period.

It’s 10 items or FEWER!

In crime news this morning, some vigilantes who have been hitting across the country have been apprehended, according to police.

These vigilantes allegedly have quite the list of hits under their belts. And yes, they have been branded by the media as “self-styled.” This pair pled guilty to one of the crimes attributed to them–this one on federal land–just last week.

Yes, authorities say they have caught the dreaded Typo Vigilantes, who roam the country, correcting grammer grammar and spelling on signs. Bad English (which is probably already a band name) can peek its worried head out the door and stroll the streets freely once more.

Aw, hot dude! Did you catch that side rosary?

Given that three of the guys have had some amount of formal Catholic education (only two of us passing), we here at SeriouslyGuys consider ourselves seriously informed on all things Catholic, or anything religious  for that matter. That’s why we applaud you, Rev. Antonio Rungi.

Rungi, an Italian priest, is running the Miss Sister 2008 pageant. It is an online beauty pageant showcasing the true beauty of some of the Brides of Christ. We here at SG are personally excited about seeing a nun with a ruler, and it being hot for the first time in our lives.

It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your robes.