The end of the baseball regular season is here, and all most of us can think is, “Finally!” I love baseball season, but this year’s gauntlet dragged me from late March to late September, so this year felt particularly long. It felt much longer because the Red Sox never really hit a stretch where they played exceptionally well for an extended period of time, they were just consistent. Next thing I know, I look at the standings and we were a 95-win Wild Card team. To put that in perspective, 95 wins equals winning your division, all your playoff games and going undefeated the following Spring Training for the NL West. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Some serious predictions
Month: September 2008
Sarah Palin?
Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin! Sarah Palin!
Sarah Palin!
Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.
By the way, guess who has a nude portrait currently hanging in a North Side Chicago bar. Who says the (potential) vice president can’t inspire people?
Men pay two-thirds more than women at bars
Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum (a lady) ruled that Ladies’ Night is not discriminatory against men. She threw out a lawsuit in Manhattan’s federal court on the grounds “that nightclubs are not representatives of the state.”
Oh, really, your honor? Where do bars get their liquor licenses? And where are the state-owned liquor establishments?
Attorney Roy Den Hollander, whose case was thrown out, did not fail to notice the judge’s gender, either.
“He called the judge a feminist and said her dismissal of his lawsuit was consistent with the discrimination embedded in many of America’s institutions.”
When? When will men be free from discrimination? Probably never, because women are pigs.
Bikini bottom at your own risk
Forget football. Screw soccer. New Zealand is at it again, as they’ve found a new sexy sport to obsess over: bikini snowboarding! And bikini skiing! And bikini-well, everything else that people do on the slopes. The temperature might have to drop somewhat before the fun begins, but these girls are somehow managing to keep the lads at lodgers’ cabin warm already. Or maybe that’s the alcohol.
Let’s just go with a little bit of column A, and a little bit of column B.
Devil wolves are back on the brink
Not to sound like PBS or anything, but we are making progress, thanks to readers like you. We reported in January that the gray wolf would be departing from the endangered species list, not because it was extinct, but sadly because there were so many of them.
We encouraged you to head out to the gray wolf’s territory, the American west and most of Canada, and it seems you listened. Ladies and gentlemen, we are please to announce that the gray wolf is going back on the endangered species list!
While this can be interpreted as bad news, because now conducting our work (killing wolves) technically means we are breaking a federal law, it is also a sign of progress. This blog feels certain that with determination, we can wipe the howlers out once and for all. Scared about federal regulations? There’s plenty of targets in Canada!
(How’s THAT for a follow-up?)
Summer camps get more and more nerdy
Think computer camp is geeky? How about debate camp?
According to the McCain campaign, that’s where Sarah Palin is headed.
Debate Camp is nestled in one of presumably several rustic McCain homes in Arizona by a creek on what was once a Cocopa American Indian village. In fact, Debate Camp was called Cocopa Arguing Camp until they were sued by surviving tribes people in 1989.
Once she unpacks and meets her cabin mates, Gov. Palin will practice the arts of:
- McCain’s talking points
- Basket weaving
- Republican ticket CPR
- Baby naming
- Ballroom dancing
As she left the bus station, Palin’s parents were somewhat weepy, but hoped the experience would be as character-building as their own sleepaway camping trips in their youth.
“She’ll probably be having so much fun that she’ll forget to write us,” Ma Heath said, wiping at her bloodshot eyes.
Pa Heath placed his large bear-like arm around her shoulder and led her away to the family sedan parked nearby.
The numbers game
In an astounding discovery that has made everyone at this blog make us wonder what exactly we have been doing with our lives, a group of mathmeticians at UCLA are going to be awarded $100,000 for discovering a number. That’s right, a number. We all know numbers right? Everyone remembers those things that Ernie told us today’s Sesame Street was brought to us by.
Well now UCLA has discovered a new 13 million-digit prime number. That’s right folks, simply by running a prime number program on your latest edition of Windows, you too can be the next one eligible for $100,000 simply by finding a number … God bless America.
Shagging a sheep does not make someone a sex offender
But, man oh man, is it still ever just wrong. And outside of West Virginia no less? Unheard of.
A court ruled this week that a man who sodomized a sheep will not have to register as a sex offender because the sheep cannot be considered a victim of sexual assault under Michigan law. We hope that after the injured livestock gets back on her feet she organizes a protest—or at least buys the dude a box of inflatable sheep sex dolls, or maybe just becomes an anti-bestiality activist.
The guys can only hope that the man was using some truly brutal interrogation techniques on such an obvious war-time opponent. After all, love cannot bloom on the battlefield.
The McBournie Minute: Equality and equal treatment are not the same
The other day I heard a commercial on the radio during my morning commute for voteforahange.com, an Obama campaign voter registration and information site. It was basically just a bunch people naming why they were registering to vote (aside from the fact that like Livestrong bracelets in 2004, it’s the in thing now). One of them toward the end of the commercial was a young woman saying “Because I can’t stand living in a world where I make less than a man.”
That statement, and the driver cutting me off, caused me to yell at my dashboard. You see, men make more for a reason, actually, several reasons, and while this statement attacked the unjust practices of the world, let’s focus on just the U.S. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Equality and equal treatment are not the same
MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cemetery Man’
A rollicking good time that doesn’t care one what about visual excess or maximum gore, Cemetery Man will entertain far more people than I presume would expect to enjoy it. Rupert Everett’s star qualities, finally made known to a broad audience since his killer turn in My Best Friend’s Wedding, are the perfect blend of smirkiness and swarthiness to hold together this tale of a graveyard attendant who is constantly, wearily assaulted by the corpses of people who just don’t feel like being dead. The buzz of Rupert’s doorbell usually signals the arrival of one such zombie, whom he promptly and even politely kills, then buries with the help of his mishmouthed, hunchback assistant Gnaghi. All in a day’s work for Rupert, whose name in this baroquely perverse film is Francesco Dellamore Dellamorte, which literally translates to “Francesco of Love, of Death.”