Day: September 3, 2008

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Way back in June, I looked at a number of misconceptions out there and explained why they were wrong. These were brief, yet concise pockets of correctness that should have solved all of the stupid around me.

Alas, I’ve just found more conventional “wisdoms” that boggle the mind. (Go figure, it’s an election year.)

So, sit down, shut off that damn music and pay attention. You should only have to read this article once, because I’m not kicking your brain any more than I have to. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Hold this aspirin between your knees

People, we’ve got a situation here. The Republican vice presidential nomination has a pregnant teenage daughter.

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney’s sister, is due to pop out the latest infant sensation any day now.

Oh, and Juno was a very popular movie.

The experts are rightly questioning abstinence-only education with the rising numbers of real and fake teen pregnancies. We, as The Guys, agree and have only one question for today’s educators:

Who forgot to teach teens how to pull out?!

Two becomes none

In a story that resembles something out of a John Carpenter film, a man has committed suicide and left a woman dead. Surprisingly enough, the heart of the man that lays dead has been through this experience twice-with almost the same exact players, no less.

Yes, Sonny Graham took a shotgun to the throat, akin to Terry Cottle, who had done so 13 years previous. Oh, Graham had Cottle’s heart inside of him, due to a virus that had attacked his heart. Did I forget to mention that? Oh, then I should probably also mention that Graham had married Cheryl Cottle approximately 9 years after the transplant. That’s important too, right?

The internet is now abuzz over the concept of “cellular memory” and whether it actually caused Graham to repeat the actions of his heart’s former owner. Of course, Cheryl apparently has a rather questionable grieving process, so that should possibly be taken into account.

Will it happen a third time? Only time will tell. Well, that and if my cellular memory forces a person allergic to peanuts to commit suicide via peanut butter ingestion if they ever get my liver.

Economy got you down? Drink up, Johnny

With gas prices on the rise, and the economy on the way down, why not tip your glass up and drown the sorrows out? Everyone else is doing it, even people in the Financial District are choosing to fill up the local bar as opposed to putting in the extra hours.

Seems they’re taking some SeriousAdvice: can’t drink on the job? Book it to the nearest pub and make up for lost time. In completely unrelated news, American alcoholism is on the rise …

Sudden Inmate Death Syndrome

For some reason, people who are brought in are dying shortly after they are arrested. We know, it sounds like a total mystery to us as well.

However, scientists are now looking into similarities between the sudden death of young, healthy men around the world, who suddenly die for no reason when they are in custody, and that of animals who suddenly die when they are captured. Some believe it is a syndrome.

This blog is totally stumped as to what could cause this syndrome. However, it does exonerate police throughout the ages. Yes, no longer will cops have to bear the burden of guilt every time some kid of another race dies in one of their jail cells. Also, just because a suspect swallows an eight-ball right before his arrest doesn’t mean he died of an overdose.