Day: September 9, 2008

Eat My Sports: It’s a whole new ballgame

SeriouslyGuys would like to congratulate Rhiannon and Richard Justis who welcomed their first child, Ace Gerard, into this gigantic marble around 10 am this morning. Please raise the child to continue The War on Animals.

Well, this week was supposed to be my big NFL preview. I was going to give you my picks, picks so insanely researched that you can bet on them and run Vegas for everything they’ve got like Kevin Spacey in 21, except sans the horribly anorexic kids having the ever-loving crap beat out of them by by Lawrence “Valley of the Real” Fishburne. But then in one instant on a seemingly normal day in New England, everything in the NFL changed. Tom Brady … gulp (swallows pride) … probably the single most indispensable player on any team, was lost for the season not even a quarter into the first game. Continue reading Eat My Sports: It’s a whole new ballgame

Hobos score with Scores

Scores is a landmark institution in the New York strip club universe, but both locations are in danger of being shut down permanently because of all the, you know … crime and stuff. Apparently prostitution is frowned on by the law in Manhattan. Who knew? Well, other than the owners of Scores not.

Sadly, what was once a trademark stop for single, heterosexual men has now reluctantly become a lot for hobos to rest their eyes, if for just a bit, as it looks like their liquor license will not be renewed. That’s as good a sign as any for me to avoid the place. How will city hedge fund managers blow their expense accounts on overpriced champagne now?

Another immortal leader down?

Kim Jong Il may be, well, ill.

Fans of giant communist musical extravanganzas were left bewildered by his conspicuous absence at the 60th anniversary of North Korea Jubilee.* If there’s anything this guy loves, it’s a parade, yet where was he?

Was he:

  • Trying on new pairs of ladies’ glasses?
  • Adding an inch to his platform shoes?
  • Getting upset at his “stupid hair that won’t do anything right!?”
  • Writing yet another unseen play about this ordinary guy that everyone kisses up to, but never gets to know, because he’s the immortal leader of the People’s Democratic Republic of Rokea?
  • Dying of heart disease and/or diabetes?
  • Watching Lost on the Scifi Channel because they’re actually starting with Season 1? (He didn’t want to start watching so late into the series.)
  • Trying to get rid of a jumbo zit without leaving a scar?

All we know is that it was tough enough replacing one immortal leader, but where are we gonna find a third immortal that won’t die?

*Jubilant enthusiam is mandatory.

But just think of his ideas in marketing

Barely legal smut master Joe Francis has been ixnayed from the next version of Celebrity Apprentice because the sponsors don’t want him associating with classy and respectable citizens like Donald Trump. Which is totally and perfectly understandle. I mean, reality television is nothing if not classy, you know.

Next up: getting Snuffy off the snuff

Thank god that the U.S. is not a socialist, commie pinko welfare state. Otherwise, our taxes might be going toward sponsoring terrorism and helping to get people healthy. Damn it, get your own self healthy, we don’t need to pay for all of your bills!

In China, an elephant, with the help of the government, has kicked its heroin habit. The rehab took three years, because of course, the moment the Chinese would leave the elephant alone, the trunk junkie would head back to the slums for a ride on the H train. However, the elephant kicked the smack habit thanks to methadone doses.

It’s no secret that heroin addiction is ravaging the elephant population in Asia. The elephants just want to forget.