Eat My Sports: It’s a whole new ballgame

Posted on September 9, 2008
Filed Under Eat My Sports | 2 Comments |

SeriouslyGuys would like to congratulate Rhiannon and Richard Justis who welcomed their first child, Ace Gerard, into this gigantic marble around 10 am this morning. Please raise the child to continue The War on Animals.

Well, this week was supposed to be my big NFL preview. I was going to give you my picks, picks so insanely researched that you can bet on them and run Vegas for everything they’ve got like Kevin Spacey in 21, except sans the horribly anorexic kids having the ever-loving crap beat out of them by by Lawrence “Valley of the Real” Fishburne. But then in one instant on a seemingly normal day in New England, everything in the NFL changed. Tom Brady … gulp (swallows pride) … probably the single most indispensable player on any team, was lost for the season not even a quarter into the first game. Read more

Written by Bryan Schools

Hobos score with Scores

Posted on September 9, 2008
Filed Under Stripper News | Leave a Comment |

Scores is a landmark institution in the New York strip club universe, but both locations are in danger of being shut down permanently because of all the, you know … crime and stuff. Apparently prostitution is frowned on by the law in Manhattan. Who knew? Well, other than the owners of Scores not.

Sadly, what was once a trademark stop for single, heterosexual men has now reluctantly become a lot for hobos to rest their eyes, if for just a bit, as it looks like their liquor license will not be renewed. That’s as good a sign as any for me to avoid the place. How will city hedge fund managers blow their expense accounts on overpriced champagne now?

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Another immortal leader down?

Posted on September 9, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post | 1 Comment |

Kim Jong Il may be, well, ill.

Fans of giant communist musical extravanganzas were left bewildered by his conspicuous absence at the 60th anniversary of North Korea Jubilee.* If there’s anything this guy loves, it’s a parade, yet where was he?

Was he:

All we know is that it was tough enough replacing one immortal leader, but where are we gonna find a third immortal that won’t die?

*Jubilant enthusiam is mandatory.

Written by Rick Snee

But just think of his ideas in marketing

Posted on September 9, 2008
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Barely legal smut master Joe Francis has been ixnayed from the next version of Celebrity Apprentice because the sponsors don’t want him associating with classy and respectable citizens like Donald Trump. Which is totally and perfectly understandle. I mean, reality television is nothing if not classy, you know.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Next up: getting Snuffy off the snuff

Posted on September 9, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

Thank god that the U.S. is not a socialist, commie pinko welfare state. Otherwise, our taxes might be going toward sponsoring terrorism and helping to get people healthy. Damn it, get your own self healthy, we don’t need to pay for all of your bills!

In China, an elephant, with the help of the government, has kicked its heroin habit. The rehab took three years, because of course, the moment the Chinese would leave the elephant alone, the trunk junkie would head back to the slums for a ride on the H train. However, the elephant kicked the smack habit thanks to methadone doses.

It’s no secret that heroin addiction is ravaging the elephant population in Asia. The elephants just want to forget.

Written by Bryan McBournie