Grief counselor kills 14 in school shooting spree
Over 40 wounded or dying as her colleagues rush to the scene
By RICK SNEE | The Boozociated Press
3:56 PM EDT, September 10, 2028
KANSAS CITY – What had once been a (relatively) tranquil Thursday morning turned into a riot as over 3,000 grief counselors swarmed the survivors of a shooting spree at Robert S. Fulton Middle School. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Grief counselor kills 14 students
The latest health crisis to hit our elementary schools? Flavored cigarettes.
With menthol no longer moving cartons, tobacco companies are luring in new smokers with flavors like cocoa, honey, vanilla and licorice. Doesn’t sound too bad, right?
Think again.
When you burn cocoa, it turns into bromine gas, which will kill you!*
The moral of this story is simple, parents: when you put your kids on cigarettes, for diet and/or self-esteem reasons, make sure it’s a good clean American smoke.
Stay away from the fruity flavors; they’re counterproductive, anyway, if your kid’s trying to look cool.
*Very slowly because it “dilates and anesthetizes the lungs, maximizing their absorption of smoke and nicotine.”
Capitalism strikes again! A 22-year old San Diegoan (loosely translated into “a 22-year old whale’s vaginan”) wants to auction her virginity to pay for her college eduction. (She’s going for a doctorate in marriage and family therapy.) Well, if it’s one night in Reno vs. 10 years of student loan payments, that’s a pretty tough call to make. Of course, potential buyers are encouraged to supply their own ’89 Corolla.
There is no use in crying over spilled beer. But apparently you can try and use that as your excuse for weaving in between lanes when you’ve been charged five previous times with drinking and driving. That’s exactly what a New Mexico man did when he was pulled over by police. He blamed his inability to drive on his friend spilling beer in the vehicle. Hey, can’t hurt to try, right?
Folks, you don’t have to be in the water to be in danger when you’re out on a lake. Sure, it may seem like the only danger is beneath the surface, but a teen in Arkansas found out otherwise.
Seth Russell is 15, he apparently enjoys the outdoors. For that, our enemies saw fit to attack young Seth. He was on an inner tube being towed by a boat, when out of nowhere, a big fish, suspected of being a silver Asian carp, jumped out of the water and hit him in the face, knocking him unconscious and breaking his jaw.
“He doesn’t remember anything at all,” the boy’s mother, Linda Russell, said last week. “He was laughing, and the next thing he remembers, he is waking in a hospital.”
Just plain horrible.
And apparently, this species of carp is hitting people left and right. This means that we need to go after these (Arkans)Asian fish and have us some sushi. Revenge, after all, is a dish best served cold, raw and wrapped in seaweed.
