Take it from Snee: Grief counselor kills 14 students

Grief counselor kills 14 in school shooting spree
Over 40 wounded or dying as her colleagues rush to the scene
By RICK SNEE | The Boozociated Press
3:56 PM EDT, September 10, 2028

KANSAS CITY – What had once been a (relatively) tranquil Thursday morning turned into a riot as over 3,000 grief counselors swarmed the survivors of a shooting spree at Robert S. Fulton Middle School.

At 8:17 AM, just as students finished the recently amended 800-word Pledge of Allegiance in home room, Stephanie Madison Wyatt walked into the middle school, brandishing several handguns, an assault rifle and four homemade explosives.

Wyatt shot and killed both teachers on security detail when they determined she did not, in fact, have a hall pass. She then proceeded from classroom to classroom, shooting anyone in her path.

The Seriously Times received a tape before Wyatt’s attack in which she poses with several of her guns in a wood-paneled home office. Her master’s degree in Psychology hangs behind her. In it, she complains about her unemployment as a grief counselor.

Referring to 2027’s Super Bowl Halftime Show, Wyatt said she hadn’t “had a crisis to counsel anyone through since that baby dropped out of Ashlee Simpson on national television.”

Eyewitnesses reported that, as Wyatt shot up the school, wounding 43 students and faculty, she tried to grief counsel them during reloads.

“I was drawing unicorns with swastika-markings on their coats when the door opened and this crazy lady with a bunch of guns started shooting at us,” said Jessica Fischer, an eighth grader. “Every time the gun went off, she yelled, ‘It might help to talk about this!'”

Jessica’s best friend forever, Meghan, added: “She left before I could adequately work through my survivor’s guilt. Bitch.”

Kansas City Police arrived at 8:45 once 911 operators received the tenth cell phone call from students huddled under desks. According to Rodney Fairchild, the Emergency Dispatch Shift Manager, this is standard operating procedure.

“Well, we knew Mrs. [Patricia] Hutchinson had a bear of a pre-algebra test scheduled today, so we had to make sure it wasn’t a prank,” Fairchild said. “It’s been a common occurrence since 2009 … Come to think of it, that’s when Mrs. Hutchinson started teaching there. Wow, tough broad.”

Police officers found Wyatt in the school’s guidance counselor’s office, dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. She had fled there to seek out counseling after witnessing her own actions.

“She kept asking us to talk her down, saying she was at stage two of grief over the children she shot,” said Finneas Schupple, Fulton’s head guidance counselor. “So, I showed her some literature about how taking Latin could really improve her verbal SAT scores. Then she shot herself.”

Schupple’s staff said they are not equipped or trained for crisis counseling, but they “can handle the s–t out of a teen pregnancy.”

As students and faculty were escorted out of the school by police, a horde of grief counselors descended on them. There were so many counselors and only 600 actual survivors. In some cases, up to five counselors mobbed one student.

At first, the counselors were cooperative with one another, each one managing one stage of grief, but as the minutes wore on and students showed little to no recovery, the situations grew tense.

“I was so scared,” said Devon McKimson, a sixth grader who didn’t see or hear anything. “The other four started accusing my denial counselor of hogging up my time. What’s a ‘cockstain’?”

The mob of unemployed psychologists finally abated at word of another school shooting spree at just down the road Griffin College. Jeffrey Spindle, an NRA member, killed 28 students to advocate their right to carry guns on campus.

Griffin College–named for its founder, comedian and Kansas City native Eddie Griffin–opened a massive network of tents to house an estimated 1,400 reporters, 17,000 gun rights demonstrators and 125,000 grief counselors. The school is home to 2,000 students.

At this point, there are over 3 million licensed grief counselors in the United States, but the national annual average of catastrophe victims only numbers around 4,000. However, more and more Americans continue on to college to pursue degrees in psychology.

The head of Princeton University’s Department of Psychology, Dr. Trevor Pinkerton, can barely handle the enrollment numbers which have quintupled since September 12, 2001.

“I actually try to talk new freshmen out of psychology,” Dr. Pinkerton said. “I always tell them, ‘You know that psychiatrists are real doctors, right?’ I know I shouldn’t turn away students, but there are just so many of them, taking up class time by trying to diagnose their own daddy issues.”

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Rick Snee

Through his writing for SeriouslyGuys, Rick Snee has alternately been accused of being: a liberal, a conservative, three different spellings of "moron," some old grump, a millennial know-nothing and -- on one occasion -- a grave insult to a minor deity in some obscure pantheon (you probably haven't heard of it). Really, he's just one of The Guys, y'know?

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