WARNING: THE ANIMALS ARE GOING MECHANICAL
In a war that has seemingly no end in sight, the animals are turning toward technology to get the edge. The talking/singing fish sold at Walmart: spies. The worms we use for bait: suicide correspondence. Now sure, the story of a stolen metal ape is a puff piece at best, but read between the lines and tell us how freaking scary an army of metal apes would be.
For fans of the Washington Redskins, Chris Cooley is one of the only white people on the team a household name. He’s a tight end, and no, we are not going to make a joke about that.
Those who watched the ‘Skins game yesterday met Cooley in the profile during NBC’s coverage. We learned that while yes, Cooley did go to Utah State, he did not really like academics, unlike so many student athletes, who are on track for their doctorates.
However, Cooley is also known for his blog, cleverly titled The Official Blog of Chris Cooley. Recently, he published a post about how the team playbook has a doodle section. He even took a picture of the section, which is tragically devoid of crayons. But, in the picture he published, Cooley failed to realize he had accidentally included his manly member in the shot.
Let this be a cautionary tale to all you nude bloggers out there. Speaking of which, I need to go find some pants.
… And by that, we mean they’re people who shouldn’t drive. At all.
It’s been proven (by being written in this article) that ADHD teens “are impulsive, highly distractible and clumsy, can’t pay attention to the roadway and they get bored easily.” Not only that, but they’re on medication–just like old people!
Look, we understand they have AIDS or something, and that it’s not their fault that they got their disorder by smoking and living under power lines, but do the rest of us seriously need to suffer?
It’s not like ADHD teens need to drive anyway. Sure, they’ll get in the car to drive you to dance class, but halfway there, they’ll just get distracted and you’re stranded at the pet shop–out of gas, of course.
So if you’re the parent of an ADHD teen, please, don’t let them drive. Or ride a bike. Or leave the house. Thank you.
Sex!
Drugs!
Rock and roll! Okay, maybe not that, but how about …
Corruption!
Big Oil!
No, it’s not a “Dallas” marathon … it’s the U.S. Interior Department! DUM, DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMM! Who knew that our nation’s most boring cabinet department was also the freakiest … or that working for the government could be so much fun? Well, other than the people working in all those other cabinet departments.
When I was a kid, hurricanes sounded pretty cool. They had names like “Bob” or “Felix” or “Andrew.” They made you want to be around them so you could see the weather turn bad and watch as trees fell down. For me, it was kind of like a tornado, they seemed pretty cool from what I had heard and I hoped one day I could see one.
Late one summer I was spending a weekend at my grandmother’s summer home in the coastal town of Scituate, Massachusetts. A hurricane whose name I cannot remember was going to hit on Tuesday and I wanted to hang around, but for some reason, my parents, probably bend on ruining my childhood, would not let me stay to see the storm.
The hurricane knocked down a huge sea wall made of a pile of large rocks, causing the sea to spill into the pond behind it and eventually flooding the house. The neighbor’s wooden, double bench swing was blown away and never seen again. As a kid, all I could think was “Awesome!” Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Hurricanes really blow
