Eat My Sports: OSU, BCS, EMS (Eat My Sports)

Posted on September 16, 2008
Filed Under Eat My Sports | Leave a Comment |

I’ll lay this one out for you from the get go. I don’t like college football. It’s boring. I’m sorry, but watching spoiled D- students get full rides to prestigious universities while displaying three and a half hours of shotgun offense just doesn’t do it for me. And for the talking heads that say the kids play for the love of the game, no, they are playing for the under the table $$$ and their first NFL contract. These kids are playing for money just as much as the pros, the pros just look better doing it. Read more

Written by Bryan Schools

Bet they’re not allergic to cookies

Posted on September 16, 2008
Filed Under Headline of the Day | Leave a Comment |

You know what happens when there’s no more natural selection? “Worry Free Dinners” nights for allergy kids that are only going to eat chicken tenders anyway.

That’s right: nature is trying to find ways to kill our children now that we have helmets and polio cures, yet we still insist on patronizing allergies to life essentials like:

Basically, anything that has gone in any food ever since we stopped eating the lions’ leftovers.

We’re not saying that these kids shouldn’t be able to live like the rest of us, but they sure wouldn’t have 100 years ago.

Bonus:
This article also wins our coveted Headline of the Day!

Written by Rick Snee

Warrior of the Week: Megan Fox and her passion

Posted on September 16, 2008
Filed Under Stripper News, War on Animals | 1 Comment |

It looks like we have finally made our cause against animals one that is sexy enough for Hollywood. It’s only a matter of time before Tom Cruise joins our ranks.

The hot chick from Transformers (and pretty much nothing else) likes boys, but like boys, she once had a thing for female stripper. Sure, that may sound like fodder for a good post, but we’re not done yet.

Fox has risen above the fact that she is in movies almost solely based on her looks to not only get engaged to Brian Austin Green, but also to use her raw, sexual passion for women and transcend it to become a leader in the War on Animals.

“Look, I’m not a lesbian,” said Fox. “I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but … oh boy.”

That’s right. Fox wants to strangle a mountain ox (indiginous to the Himalayas) with her bare hands, all because she is so darn attracted to Oliva Wilde. We only wish she had continued her train of thought in the GQ interview so we’d know what else she would kill and what method she would employ for the attention of Jenna Jameson.

Written by Bryan McBournie

Doing the full-frontal funky chicken

Posted on September 16, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells, Stripper News | Leave a Comment |

It’s booty shaking gone wild!

Nude dancing has become the rage in of all places, Kathmandu. However, it’s not without it’s problems, such as the fact that it’s against the law–sort of. Despite what you might think in their society, and even though nude dancing is not allowed by law in the Hindu society, there’s very little regulation regarding night clubs. Still, not to be deterred, police have been raiding a number of the hedonistic buildings that contain such frivolities as nude dancing, frolicking and anything by Soulja Boy.

Not to be deterred, fans of the fad have begun a protest to combat this terrorism. Their hope? Improve the “deteriorating law and order.” The biggest flaw in their plan? They attempt to do so without the illuminating power of music. Well, that and they’re wearing their clothes while doing so. Treat it like crack, kids! It’s the only way to win!

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Uncle Sam wants you (to booze)

Posted on September 16, 2008
Filed Under Booze News | Leave a Comment |

Say what you will about Congress doing nothing but arguing over who gets to make the “microphone looks like a phallus” joke in the next session sitting around discussing laws all day, at least they’ve got some sense of proper celebration. That’s right folks, even Congress wants to celebrate the diamond anniversary of the re-legalization of alcohol. The best part of the story: knowingly or not, CBS gave SG a shout out in the headline!

Written by Bryan Schools

Polly wants a distraction

Posted on September 16, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

One of the most powerful advantages one can control in war is the ability to misdirect the enemy. When you control what your enemy thinks is going on, you can control his actions and then move in. It seems we are not the only species on the planet that has refined war to an art form.

In Trenton, New Jersey, police responded to a complaint from neighbors who said they heard cries for help coming from a house. Now, this is nothing unusual for Jersey, but for some reason, the police felt they should look into this distress call.

“Help me! Help me!” was all they could hear when they knocked on the door, so the broke it down to help whoever was inside. The problem was, no one was home but a bird of some sort (the story is vague on that).

The alleged bird was clearly trying to distract law enforcement from the real danger. For all we know there was a prison break at the zoo or something.

Written by Bryan McBournie


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