Take it from Snee: Your bumper stickers and you
Posted on September 17, 2008
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 2 Comments |
Bumper stickers: they may be the only clues we have about our fellow drivers. It dawned on me that people put these on their vehicles explicitly to tell us about themselves and their wonderful children and whatnot.
I mean, sure, you think you’re just proud to have a kid in Cub Scouts. But how would, say, a pedophile scout leader read that? (Braggadocio, most likely.)
What they don’t realize, though, is that their bumper stickers may say things they never intended. As a service to you, I have decoded popular ones so that you may avoid embarrassment or even roadside homicide. Read more
Written by Rick SneeBiggest party foul ever
Posted on September 17, 2008
Filed Under Booze News | 3 Comments |
Folks, drop down to your knees and thank your chosen deity that you live in these United States of America (at least we assume you do). You live in a country where freedom is more than just a battle cry, it’s a political jingoistic cliché. Here, we don’t have silly laws against filling up stadiums with beer.
That’s just not the case in Germany. There, a teen is on trial for causing €100,000 (roughly $8.5 billion) worth of damage to an area in Dusseldorf when he and his friend allegedly flooded the place with beer, which is a violation of the Oktoberfest Law.
Three taps were opened in the VIP area in 2006, causing a lot of German gold to spill out into the stadium and a conference room. The beer eventually found its way to the parking lot, where it sat in post-game traffic for over an hour.
(via Deadspin)
Written by Bryan McBournieMassively multiplayer terrorism equals real time idiocy
Posted on September 17, 2008
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
Sometimes, the powers that be can be hilarious. And sometimes, the powers that be can be downright hilarious. For example: last week, a Pentagon researcher presented members of the United States Intelligence Committee with a hypothetical scenario in which terrorists use the amazing popular MMORPG World of Warcraft to plan a terrorist attack.
No, really. Seriously. For example:
… Two World of Warcraft players discuss a raid on the “White Keep” inside the “Stonetalon Mountains.” The major objective is to set off a “Dragon Fire spell” inside, and make off with “110 Gold and 234 Silver” in treasure. “No one will dance there for a hundred years after this spell is cast,” one player, “war_monger,” crows.
Except, in this case, the White Keep is at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. “Dragon Fire” is an unconventional weapon. And “110 Gold and 234 Silver” tells the plotters how to align the game’s map with one of Washington, D.C.
You see, terrorists might use code words in place of what they actually mean. Those diabolical monsters! Before WoW, Al Qaeda members were just standing in the street, yelling across the road to each other about their next targets and the dates of planned attacks, openly and all while paying no heed to our skillful code breakers. Only through the repeated and careful use of WoW have they finally learned that you can use secret words instead of publicly announcing what you’re plotting to do. And not via common sense. Nope. Never learned it via common sense. Beware the Anthrax laced Leroy Jenkins, everyone.
This reaches a whole new level of idiocy. And he gets paid to do this stuff! HE GETS PAID! Hey Pentagon! I could’ve told you all of that malarky that he just came up with for a lot cheaper than that dork!
I can only hope that he gets raided in a PVP server while hit with a magic missile of +45.
Of note: having never played WoW before, I have no idea what I just said.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAlmost had ‘em
Posted on September 17, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | 8 Comments |
The war has taken many sharp turns. A few wins here for us, and a few here and there for the animals. But we let our key victory slip right through our hands. The grizzly bear was on the verge of extinction. That’s right kids, our little war nearly wiped out an entire species. But recent findings have shown the bears to be rebounding in an astonishing fashion.
Fact: there are 765 grizzlies in the northwest part of Montana. Now how safe do you feel?
Fact: they will steal your pic-a-nic basket.
Fact: they have been migrating to golf courses.
Fact: they have hacked our airline system and are learning to fly. Unconfirmed reports have the bears going under the guise of “Bear-Qaeda.”
The changing seasons of war
Posted on September 17, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
With the seasons changing and the cooling of temperatures news from the front is bound to wear down because our enemies move their priorities from fighting us to gathering enough food to last them through the winter. But our enemy’s holiday gives us the perfect chance to launch our own Tet offensive.
Our target: roadways. According to those peace loving hippies at the Discovery Channel, bees are making their homes along our nation’s roads because there are so many wild flowers and relatively few people treading through the area. There is, of course, the ever-present threat of a windshield moving at 45 mph.
It was clear this summer that bees were after us more than any other division of the animals’ military might. That’s why it’s payback time. Grab a weedwhacker and chop down the wildflowers, open up some bug bombs (be careful not to fog up the roads for traffic) or just shout insults at them as you drive by. We can hit them and hit them hard before they dig in underground for the winter!
Written by Bryan McBournie