Day: September 18, 2008

How To: Celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Avast, me hearties: tomorrow be International Talk Like A Pirate Day! Ye savvy?

If you didn’t understand the previous sentence, then you’re woefully unprepared for The Guys’ favorite day of the year. Every September 19th, the world takes a breather from the Queen’s English and says, “You know what? I’m tired of this whack modern inflection, yo. Let’s kick it old school, son–Elizabeth I-style!”

The last thing we’d want is for a SeriouslyGuys reader to look like a chump at work or school tomorrow, so we’ve put together this guide on how to celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Continue reading How To: Celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Profiles in Courage: A Warrior on Trial

Joseph Petcka is in court after allegedly killing a cat with his own bare hands.

Sure, a housecat is no mountain ox, but Petcka gets credit for possibly putting his words into action. (You’re all talk, Megan Fox!)

But this isn’t Mr. Petcka’s only brush with danger. He also appeared in a few episodes of Sex in the City, yet managed to escape with his life.

While the trial goes on, Jason Petcka, rest assured that this blog finds you guilty … of living a life truly courageous.

Science is beautiful, you are not

A new highly scientific study proves that men routinely try to sleep with women who are more attractive than they are and won’t let the fact that they are pathetic overweight schlubs stand in their way.

The best part?

All the “data”, all of the information, all of the conclusive evidence for this study was taken from Hot Or Not. No, really. This sounds like that time when I wrote a term paper on the conclusive evidence linking nuns and buckets of chum with the anthropic principle.

Because the difference between 17 and 18 is enormous

In a gigantic sigh of relief from the Miley Ray Cyrus camp, R. “Chocolate Factory” Kelly disclosed to BET reporters that he is not, in fact, interested in anyone illegal. Kelly led in that he has “some 19-year-old friends,” and was once married to a 15-year-old, but he’s not interested in anyone illegal.

Well thank god that one is cleared up, and we no longer have to worry about it. Because after a career of sex-fueled albums, an hour and a half long opus dubbed “Trapped In The Closet,” and speculations of him having sex with AND relieving himself on an underage girl, this statement makes it all A-OK.

Other interesting celebrity quotes from their personal trials:
Ray Lewis: “I didn’t kill no mother-^%$#ing lion”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Yes they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!!!”
Howard Dean: “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

War Journal: Washington

If there are two things that piss this blog off, it’s animals and homeless people. Just this week, our nation’s capital was under siege. Yours truly happens to live in the DC area, I supply for you now a war journal about one of the most frightening days this city has seen in seven years.

Arlington, Virginia
9/16/08
8:47 a.m.

We thought this was over. We thought we were safe from threats like this once and for all. We were wrong. I got into work this morning to hear the news that a creature of some sort was spotted putting something in a trash can in downtown D.C.

The bomb squad has been called in and a nearby Metro [subway] station has been closed down right at one of the busiest times. Let’s hope nothing happens to our boys in blue. Continue reading War Journal: Washington