Take it from Snee: Why does Hollywood have a closet?
Posted on September 24, 2008
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As a junkie for hard-hitting, earth-shattering news, I was floored yesterday.
There are drama queens who think they are floored, and then there was me: F-L-O-O-R-E-D. “Floo” and “red.” Julie came home to find me a quivering ball of twisted manflesh, unable to lift a hand from the office carpet. For lack of a better modifier, I was f–king floored.
What had me in such a gravity-conscience predicament? Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan came out of the closet. On the same day.
No, not with each other. Straight people don’t live in closets. Aside from the occasional pantry-dweller, us breeders live in rooms.
Fortunately, yesterday’s news was enough to raise one nagging question, which in turn got me off the floor and back to the keyboard: why is there still a closet in Hollywood? Read more
Written by Rick Snee‘Retirement’ redefined?
Posted on September 24, 2008
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Continuing the news trend of celebrity atheletes who don’t know what “retired” means, Lance Armstrong has announced that he and his remaining testicle are racing again.
His goal is to win the Tour De France again raise awareness for cancer. You probably haven’t heard of cancer. It’s the disease that killed your grandmother. No, not the one who was crushed by her horse. The other one. You were six.
As a service to these egomaniac atheletes who can’t stop unretiring, this blog would like to offer them a new word: vacation.
You know, when you go away for a little bit and relax, then come back after a certain period of time? Yeah, you’re not retiring, you’re on vacation.
Stop trying to bait the press with retirement rumors. Soon they won’t believe you and you’ll have to fake your death just to interest them again.
Written by Rick SneeAll your phones are belong to Google
Posted on September 24, 2008
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Not content to simply rule the entire Internet, Google, the beneficent giant (think one part Microsoft, one part hippies, three parts Ed Grimley and four parts Steven Hawking) wants your phone. Well, that is, if you’re a T-Mobile customer.
Google announced on Monday that they would pair up with T-Mobile to use their Android operating system on the HTC Dream, also known as T-Mobile G1. Yes, the Googlephone is alive. And no, it can’t let you do that Hal. The first honest to God competitor to the iPhone, complete with open source OS, is not pretty. It’s almost akin to a Nintendo DS/Sony PSP hybrid, along with a hint of Treo, Blackberry, Sidekick and iPhone-at best. But Lord have mercy, it’ll sell craploads, as it’s expected to by year’s end.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorShocker
Posted on September 24, 2008
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Clay Aiken, showing the true measure of a man (sorry, I couldn’t resist), opened up to People Magazine by revealing that he is in fact, gay. People, long known for giving in the closet stars their way out of living in secrecy (see: Degeneres, Ellen and Bass, Lance) decided to shoot the cover while having AIken hold his newborn son. No word yet as to whether this will help boost sales of his latest effort “A Thousand Different Ways” but we’ll be the first to let you know if there are any future hook-ups with Ruben Studdard in the near future.
Written by Bryan SchoolsMore polar bears agree: polar bears taste good
Posted on September 24, 2008
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Though they may have tried to invade our nation’s capital, our enemy the polar bear is getting very desperate. They are so desperate that they are turning to cannibalism in order to stay alive. This is good news for us, because it means our foes are smiting each other for us, which saves us a lot of valuable resources.
Why are the polar bears eating each other? Hippie scientists say it is being caused by the lack of ice in the Arctic. Apparently these bears are too ignorant to understand that there is nothing to eat in an area covered by snow and surrounded by water. Stubbornly, they refuse to move south, but that just means we have less to deal with.
A side note should go out to a man in California, who took the battle to the enemy this week when he put dead cats and dogs in the lockers of animal sympathizers at a local high school. That oughta shut ‘em up!
Written by Bryan McBournie