Month: September 2008

You Missed It: Publicity stunt edition

Is it just us, or did September pass by far too quickly? By the time You Missed It comes around next Friday, it will be October, which more or less makes it officially Dead Leaf Season, better known as fall. Sure it may already be fall, but September never really feels like fall. October, on the other hand, can be associated with nothing but autumn. If you were busy watching the leaves turn this week, odds are you missed it.

Debating at the debate? Well that’s debatable
This week, Sen. John McCain announced he was suspending his campaign so that he could hunker down and fix the economy with the rest of Congress. He also said the debate scheduled for tonight should be moved, but when Sen. Barack Obama disagreed, McCain threatened not to show up unless real progress was made on the issue. The result remains yet to be seen, however, as of last night, if you had Washington Mutual in your office bank death pool, you win!

If he was invisible, he’d sneak into your closet
In shocking celebrity news, former American Idol contestant/elf-looking thing Clay Aiken came out of the closet and revealed that he is in fact gay. This came as a shock virtually no one, but that did not stop the article from making the cover of Obvious Statements Magazine.

You invented fireworks and you’re just getting to space now?
On Thursday (or maybe it was Friday there, who knows?) The Chinese launched their third manned space mission into, well, space. The Long March rocket (named that because the Chinese see the commute to space is seen as a walk of a great distance) lifted the three Chinastronauts into space, where they will attempt the program’s first space walk, which will again, be a long march.

Here’s the damn rum, now go away
It was revealed earlier today that Disney has signed Johnny Depp for a fourth installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. The working title of the new movie is Pirates of the Caribbean: Plunderin’ Yer Wallet.

About dang time, Bono

SeriouslyGuys doesn’t normally approve of rock musicians, especially foreign dogooder* ones.

*Fun Fact:
You can’t spell “dogooder” without “dog doo.” It’s true. Look it up.

But Bono does approve of us, finally.

Yep, after a few decades of being an inexplicable American radio star, Bono thanked America for our efforts in not giving malaria to Africans. Mom, baseball and apple pie were not explicitly mentioned, but we’re presumed thanked via proxy.

So, in the spirit of this moment, we guess we have something to say to Bono, too:

Why is he called The Edge?

Rich virgin boys to run from Switzerland to Apple’s open arms

The Swiss government is working hard to protect children from the evils of pornography … by banning pornography on all mobile devices. Why is a general ban necessary? Why, because if anyone’s allowed to get mobile porn, those crafty teenagers will find a way to get their hands on it! Totally sound logic all around–until, of course, you get the urge to watch highlights from the Swiss women’s Olympic volleyball team. Won’t someone stop thinking of the children and begin to think of the parents?

But wait–we’re not done with perverted cellphone news quite yet.

As if you couldn’t see enough actual boobs on your iPhone, some genius nerd geek virgin scary Japanese programmer Machead has created an application that actually allows you to touch and fondle them!

Or, maybe, just the outline of a boob, that is.

OK, so maybe it’s just a line.

But still: it’s a boob! And even if a bouncy little blob that responds to fingertip touch but lacks any definable features of a real breast gets less interesting the more you play with it, it’s wonderful to know that boob physics are alive and well—as are the stunning lengths that Apple fanboys will go to in order to grope a hot rack. No matter how digital it may be. And, since, in theory, it’s an application, that means that it’s free. Will the Swiss government put the kibosh on one of the hottest selling phones in the world (and by world, I mean the United States)?

Raising an arrrrmy

Exactly one week ago it was Talk Like A Pirate Day, but there are people in the Africa who don’t know that. In fact, they think they are real pirates. While this blog stays away from modern day piratey stuff (something about taking and killing hostages), this be–er, is a little different.

Pirates off the coast of Somalia have taken control of a Ukrainian ship carrying T-72 tanks. This means that not only do these pirates have another ship on which to hide their plunder, now they can go ashore and lay siege to the rich towns that line the eastern coast of Africa.

This is most confusing news. We know that pirates operate at sea, but can come ashore to raid towns. However, pirates don’t ride in tanks, armor divisions do. Should they make landfall, what do we call this band of swashbucklers? An army? Mauraders? Pirates in tanks?

To have six toes and not have a license

Florida just got a little bit creepier.

In the long lingering battle for Ernest Hemingway’s estate to be able to keep their famous six-toed cats, the war seemed like it was leaning towards our side. We were wrong. Turns out the government is letting these six-toed freaks continue to roam around his island home and musuem. There are roughly 50 cats that stem from the original oddity, Snowball.

Now, why would the cats need the extra toes? This blog will tell you why: in order to operate heavy artillery. You heard it here first.

How To: Deal with an ‘economic crisis’

Yesterday, Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced he was suspending his campaign until the economic problems the U.S. now faces are dealt with. This includes his cancellation of an appearance on “The Late Show with David Letterman” and possibly even not showing up to tomorrow night’s presidential debate. As much as the thought of watching Sen. Barack Obama argue with an empty podium sounds like great television, this blog is disappointed.

We are not alone, either. Letterman last night ranted about McCain’s sudden cancellation. Republicans are hailing the suspension as brave, while Democrats see it as desperate. The Guys think this could be approached in other ways, that’s why we bring you how to deal with an “economic crisis.” Continue reading How To: Deal with an ‘economic crisis’

Smells like … bacon

The animals are in a full blown crisis state and are lashing out in desperation. Bruce, an Australian pig, held his owner captive for 10 days inside her room while the pig went crazy with rampant demands to be fed. Look, there is a reason we make bacon, pork chops, pigs feet and scrapple out of these snot-nosed hooligans: to keep our cities safe. Sure, some companies and books may try and glamorize the pig, but make no mistake, they are dangerous and not to be taken lightly.

Great moments in law enforcement

Criminals take note: farting on a police officer can add some serious charges to your list.

In West Virginia, a man was stopped because his car had no headlights on at night. The cop reported the driver, Jose Cruz, 34, was slurring his speech and smell of alcohol. After failing sobriety tests, Cruz was arrested and and taken to the police station for a breathalyzer test.

Just before he took the test, police say Cruz leaned in close to his arresting officer and farted on him, then fanned the air toward him. In addition to being charged with driving under the influence, Cruz was charged with battery of a police officer.

“The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons,” the complaint alleged.

After a night of drinking, we know how that can be.