MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Howling’

Posted on October 31, 2008
Filed Under MasterChugs Theater | 2 Comments |

Based on the book by Gary Brandner with a script by Terence Winkless and John Sayles, The Howling was drowned out upon its initial theatrical release by the more popular American Werewolf in London which came out the same year (both films came out about two months apart). Today, The Howling has become a cult classic and deservedly so. There’s a good reason why. Step right in and see. Read more

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

You Missed It: Insert Vincent Price laugh here edition

Posted on October 31, 2008
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It’s really hard to type in costume, my nails keep getting in the way. (Does that mean I’m one of the Girls Next Door or Dracula? You decide.) Welcome to a special Halloween edition of You Missed it. No, there’s nothing really Halloweeny about this week’s edition, but it falls on the second biggest commercial holiday in the U.S. Stay tuned tomorrow for special Dia de los Muertos posts on our sister site, HombresSeriamentes.com. If you were busy being convicted in your corruption trial this week, odds are you missed it.

That bleedin’ wanker oughtn’t be buggerin’ her!
British comedian Russell Brand resigned from his weekend show on BBC Radio this week after a battle or as they say in England, “row,” over one of his latest bits. Brand called actor Andrew Sachs’ home but failed to reach him. Instead, Brand left a series of messages detailing his (fictional) carnal knowledge of Sachs’ 23-year old granddaughter. The bit was deemed “gross” and “offensive.” For those of you keeping score of British humor at home: prank calls = offensive, silly walks and old men chasing after young women in fast motion to music = hilarious.

And now for something completely similar
Can’t get enough of Sen. Barack Obama? Neither can his campaign. This week Obama aired a 30-minute infomercial about his stance on things and showing people who are helping or can be helped. In it, Obama stood talking to the camera in a room that looked like the Oval Office, but with natural looking stain on the wooden window frames, instead of painted white. The title of the special: I Know You Really Want to Watch the Rest of Game 5 of the World Series, But I Need to Burn This Campaign Money. Speaking of which …

You know what’s clever? Spelling ‘F’ words with ‘Ph’
In the longest game in World Series history, Game 5 was concluded more than 48 hours after it began. The Philadelphia Phillies finished off the Tampa Bay Rays. Philadelphia’s football fans are known for their rude and overbearing behavior, luckily, Phillies fans showed restraint in their celebration, setting fires, flipping cars, firing guns into the air and accidentally injuring and/or killing themselves. WOOOOOOOOOO!

Written by Bryan McBournie

Whoever will they marry yet?

Posted on October 31, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post, Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |

Oh those crazy Japanese–if it weren’t for you, where would SG be?

In news that’s sure to make fans of Ah-ha think it’s life imitating art, a Japanese man has created a petitioning campaign to make it legal for human beings to marry fictional characters.

Seriously.

Stating that he is “no longer interested in three dimensions” and that he “would even like to become a resident of the two-dimensional world,” he is a sign that the world has completely gone bonkers. This could create an entire quandary of concerns:

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Better late than, oh wait, they are already dead

Posted on October 31, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post | 1 Comment |

If you’ve got nothing better to do with your time, why not rally for the dead. Trendy Wiccan (not to be confused with WIC for those of you stateside) enthusiasts are rallying around London. For what you ask? That’s why we’re here. Apparently the campaigning is to pardon witches burned to death between the 16th and 18th century. Side note: the next time you are at work and your boss accuses you of being lazy, just reference this and then do the comparison of who is actually being more productive. At the very least, it’ll buy you time.

We here at SG though fully believe that these tortured souls weighed more than a duck, which was just cause for any punishment under Monty Python law.

Written by Bryan Schools

The older are still wiser

Posted on October 31, 2008
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Because you turn to SG for High School Musical-related news (and everyone keeps ragging on me for it), we bring you a somewhat surprising story this morning: the High School Musical 3: Senior Year soundtrack was trounced in sales by AC/DC’s latest album, “Black Ice.”

The aging Aussies in short shorts debuted at #1 this week, selling their U.S. albums at only Wal-Mart and online. “Black Ice” sold over 780,000 copies, while High School Musical sold only 297,000. Clearly, the aging biker hard rock fan still has not been hit by the imminent recession, while the soccer mom has.

When reached for comment, Musical star Zac Efron said, “AC/DC? I know them from ‘Guitar Hero!’”

Written by Bryan McBournie

How To: Fake sports knowledge

Posted on October 30, 2008
Filed Under How To | 2 Comments |

“Hey, did you catch the game last night?”

“Oh, uh, yeah! Wow.”

“I know! I’m just glad Philly beat Tampa after that stupid call last time.”

“Yeah, who do the Bucs think they are? Good to see the Pirates get their due. So when’s the championship game?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go over there now. If the wrong person sees me talking to you, I’m socially-obligated to beat you up.”

Was this your day?

If so, then it’s obvious that you don’t watch sports at all, which is fine, you know, since you were so busy with that manga marathon. Read on to learn how to fake sports knowledge (before some coworker beats you up in front of your boss). Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Poodles on a runway

Posted on October 30, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

Of all animals, we too often over look the threats that poodles pose to the human race. Little did we know they posess the ability to hit us where it really hurts: airports.

Choochy the poodle was quickly added to the federal no-fly list after she escaped from her kennel at Boston’s Logan International Airport. The fluffy, unassuming mongrel kept airport personnel chasing it for 17 hours, which now stands as the world’s longest game of fetch. They even got police and firefighters in on it, which means the curly-haired beast was tying up our emergency services.

Worst of all, the chase delayed at least 8 flights. Luckily, SG was able to get a cockpit (teehee) recording of one of those flights:

8:17 pm
Pilot: “Uhhhhh, folks, this is yer captain speaking. I’m afraid I’ve got a bit of bad news up here. Uhhhhh, it seems we’re going to have to wait here for just a few minutes, it seems those folks on the runway are doin’ something and will get out of our way in a hurry. We’ll keep you posted.”

8:41 pm
Pilot: “Uhhhhh, folks, we just heard from the tower. Sounds like they’re chasing around some sort of animal out there–on the runway, I mean, not in the control tower. *chuckle* But we’ll be moving as soon as they catch it. I’m sure it’s just a lil’ ol’ goose or something that will fly off in a minute.”

9:12 pm
Pilot: “Uhhhhh, folks, we got word from the tower about what it is that they’re chasin’ ’round out there. It seems that it’s a poodle. Now, nobody panic, the poodle is a quarter mile away from here, and this plane is protected by steel on all sides. Jus’ t’ be on the safe side, we went ahead and double checked the lock on the cockpit door.”

Written by Bryan McBournie

That over-50 fringe voting group

Posted on October 30, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08 | 1 Comment |

We’ve heard about every small swing-voting group this election:

There’s one tiny group, though, that has been swept under the carpet, ignored for all intents and purposes … until today.

Yes, now the pundits are focused on what’s good for retired Americans, that plucky little band of people over 50, now including some 76 million baby boomers, who decide every election.

If you thought it was the NASCAR dads or the plumbers that counted the most this election, then the news managed to jerk you off this whole time. It was your grandpa that keeps sending you emails about secret Muslims who mattered. Don’t you feel silly for spam blocking him now?

Fortunately, there’s something you can do: support Proposition 268 or, as we’ve nicknamed it, Logan’s Amendment. Logan’s Amendment will send all of the elderly to a fabulous Carousel for the rest of their natural lives, where they will live in bliss until God calls them home.

Sound harsh? OK, well it’s that our you start calling in some birthday favors.

Written by Rick Snee

So, a Polish man drives a bus into a lake …

Posted on October 30, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post | 1 Comment |

No, that’s not the beginning of a joke, nor even the punchline of one. Sadly, that’s actually the headline of a story–though, you might be able to say that the jokes, sometimes, write themselves.

We live in a day and age where GPS and SAT/NAV units are getting to be nearly as commonplace as a cell phone or an iPod … all over the world. Why, if commercials trying to connect Americans with Napoleon using one don’t advise you of this fact, then I don’t know what will. Unfortunately, we, as a people and a civilization, are starting to become too attached to them. Take for example, a gentleman from Poland.

While driving around the area of Glubczyce (in the south west part of Poland), a man looked down to his GPS unit. Not uncommon for many people, especially like him, that are so used to roads that rarely ever change. He should’ve looked up. Since changes had been made to build a new reservoir lake, what was once a road was no longer.

And what was once a dry vehicle was no longer. The GPS hadn’t been updated in time. A man and his passengers were now all wet, thanks to his undying faith in the GPS (Following the warning signs? Balderdash!).

Where is the man now? Living in a man, down IN the river.

Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

Winning without even trying

Posted on October 30, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

Some fronts take a lot of work to win. Take the Amazon rain forest for example. We know that it has the highest concentration of animal life, of both species known and unknown, in the world. To conquer such terrain is taking the coordinated effort of thousands of poor farmers looking for more land, and fast food companies who need to raise more cattle. We are making progress there slowly, but as long as we don’t give in, we will get there.

Then there are places like Yellowstone National Park, where we aren’t really trying and yet we’re winning anyway. Scientists have found that despite being protected by federal law (for reasons unknown to us) amphibians are dying off. Why? Global warming, which as any Republican leader will tell you, had nothing to do with us until this election cycle, now we believe there could be some slight human cause, but really it’s just the Earth’s natural cycle.

Scientists have found that newts, frogs and toads have been declining in population in the park. Little do they know, the amphibians are actually being used for a brew made by a witch living in the park.

Written by Bryan McBournie
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