Day: October 2, 2008

How To: Tune out the election

In case you haven’t noticed, the United States is engaged in an economic crisis two wars a gas crunch a bake-off a presidential election. In fact, we’ve been engaged in this election, and nothing else, for over a year now–and we’re tired of it.

If it weren’t for the schadenfreude that is Sarah Palin blooper tapes, the American public would have moved on to something else by now. (Did the new American Idol season start, yet? We’ll watch that at this point.)

Everyone knows who they’re voting for already, and those that rely on the debates to form their opinion could fit in the college rec halls where they hold those things. Even Ohio has moved up their election, just get the damn thing over with, and that’s Ohio! There’s nothing else to talk about in Ohio and they want this crap done.

Unfortunately, we’re stuck in this rut until November 5, when we start the new news cycle: “What did the President-Elect say today?” How will you survive until the inauguration in January? Read on to learn how to tune out the election. Continue reading How To: Tune out the election

SG Explains: The economic crisis

You may have heard recently about some hubbub with the economy and stocks and stuff. Recently, Warren “Jimmy” Buffett called the current crisis an “economic Pearl Harbor.” While this may not make sense to some of our readers, we are here to explain.

Let’s use Buffett’s analogy.

It’s the morning of December 7, 1941. The U.S., still reeling from the Great Depression, has not entered World War II, thanks mostly to isolationist policies. In come Japanese fighter and torpedo planes. Suddenly the U.S. is caught off guard and war begins a new era of the 20th century.

But first we need to back up. Let’s say the U.S. credit and loan debt is the Japanese Empire. For years prior to the war, the U.S. debt was building up its forces, offering really good deals and raping Nanking. We knew about it but chose to turn a blind eye to it, hoping the problem would resolve itself.

Hit the jump for the sneak attack. Continue reading SG Explains: The economic crisis

An alliance forged in Hell

What’s scarier than animals or satanic worship? Animals and satanic worship.

Zoos around the country are encouraging children to dress as witches and Neil Cavuto and “trick or treat” on their grounds. Moronic parents are all for it because they “see the parties as a safer alternative to knocking on the doors of strangers.”

Some zoos even brought in child psychologists to make sure the displays aren’t too damning scary.

OK, so your kid walks up to a door at the zoo, it opens and just as they say “trick or treat” —

Well, isn’t that safe and not scary? The worst part is that the animals have struck another blow against our population and the kid goes to Hell because their last moments were spent in devilish mischievory.

Way to go parents. And shame on you, zoos.

Something to get your Dow rising

Just when you thought Playboy was running out of readers ideas, they have come up with something again, and this time it’s really, really topical.

A search is going out for the “Women of Wall Street,” a feature it also did about 20 years ago. (Ha! And they said Reaganomics didn’t work!) We are not really sure what “Wall Street” means. Are they looking for really hot female investors? Wouldn’t that make the next board meeting a little awkward?

Perhaps it’s the traders they are looking for. If that’s the case, who is going to be doing the trading and thus saving our economy? Ug, we’ll get back to you when we figure it out.