MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Descent’
Posted on October 10, 2008
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In 2002, Neil Marshall directed a low-budget film called Dog Soldiers. The plot was simple; take a close-knit group of six men, strand them in the wilderness and expose them to hostile monsters, i.e. werewolves. The film received a healthy reception both critically and financially and gradually wound its way towards its final cult destination. It’s a great film–make sure to rent it though, as opposed to watching it on The Sci-Fi Channel. Cut to 2005, and you could be forgiven for thinking that Marshall’s third film, The Descent, in which a close group of six women are stranded in a cave and exposed to hostile under-dwellers, is an exact blueprint rip-off of his earlier film. Not so much Dog Soldiers as Lassie Spelunkers. You could be forgiven for thinking that then, but you’d also be wrong, because this film is an extremely different beast altogether. The Descent is much more streamlined. This film’s lean. It’s mean. And by god, it’s as scary as hell.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou Missed It: They spent how much on what? edition
Posted on October 10, 2008
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The weekend is upon us. Rejoice, for a great and miraculous time of drinking and a life away from the office is upon most of America. Or maybe that’s just us. No, wait, that’s probably just us.
Oh, what’s that? We said last week that there wouldn’t be an edition of You Missed It this week? Well, we lied. About YMI not showing up this week. Rick Snee is indeed getting married tomorrow (as of this post) and Bryan McBournie will indeed be in attendance. As such, you’re stuck with me. This is your first and only warning. Nonethless, if you were busy cleaning out your retirement fund before Wall Street does it for you, odds are you missed it.
The world is on AIG’s tab
AIG, the insurance giant that was recently bailed out financially by a Congressional bill, came under fire when it was revealed that executives were sent on $440,000 retreat just days after receiving money from said bill. It was expected that along with basket-weaving, wallet-making and bug-juice drinking, they’d also learn how to make a s’more with ingredients that cost less than 45 dollar.
It’s just a case of he said, she he said
The hopes and desires of armchair politicians were sated as yet another debate between presidential candidates Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain took place on Tuesday night. Adopting a townhall style format and moderated by Tom Brokaw, Obama was noted as looking “very statesmanlike”, while McCain drew comparisons to “your crazy Uncle Fred that’s looking for his meds”.
It’s a golden age for Unremovable Windows Inc.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average took numerous dives this week, ultimately landing at 679, the lowest level that it’s been to in 5 years (as of writing). The effect of this was so bad that even the Nikkei 225 Stock Average followed similar suit, dropping rapidly with an expected low opening. Noted French industry analyst was Doctor S. Urkelle was heard asking “Est-ce que j’ai fait cela?“
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorThis is a bust!
Posted on October 10, 2008
Filed Under Sex Sells | 1 Comment |
Angelina Jolie, your public breastfeeding days are over … anytime you want to put those away?
Look, we get it: you love showing off that you’re a mom and people will do anything to see your breasts, like place a baby strategically over a nipple.
But aren’t you sending a dangerous message to the young women of America? They can’t afford safe dependable implants, but there you are on the cover of W, breastfeeding with bigger boobies that are courtesy of getting pregnant.
Teen girls are smart. They know that the condom doesn’t work if you poke holes in it. Before you know it, the whole countryside will be teen pregnant, all for bigger milk jugs.
We hope you’re happy, Ms. Jolie. And by that statement, we totally hope you’re not happy. (It’s Opposite Day. Or is it not Opposite Day???)
Written by Rick SneeIs that an insider trading tip in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Posted on October 10, 2008
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Economy, why must you suck?
Dow, why have you foresaken me?
Frozen concentrated orange juice, where are you in my time of need?
These and other similar cries of agony can be heard wailing throughout the halls of strip clubs all over New York.
Really? Yep. The Wall Street banking industry may have collapsed in a heap of soiled Armani clothing (I hear a little baking soda will take that right out), but that won’t stop folks from indulging in the little things that make life bearable—like $1,000 lap dances. While others may have tightened their belt a bit, that’s not stopped some. Like, they really haven’t tightened their belt at all. Yes, despite some of the problems you may have heard regarding the strip clubs of New York City, they’re still doing what they can to bolster the economy-which, from what we hear, Wall Street will attempt to as well.
Gotta keep those economic “fundamentals” strong, you know.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorGet your stinking paws off my food, you damn dirty ape!
Posted on October 10, 2008
Filed Under Tokyoh-no!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
It’s no secret that the world is in economic turmoil. We humans know it, and so does our enemy. Because they see our weakness, they are now beginning to exploit it.
They are taking our jobs.
A Japanese restaurant (not a Benihana, a restaurant in Japan) has just hired two monkeys as waiters. Yes, we mean it. There are monkeys waiting tables in Japan. Now that your mind is blown, we’ll continue.
While some may find animals serving us as a good thing, if you dig deeper into the issue, you’ll find it is not a good thing at all. You see, these monkeys are taking our jobs, handling our food (possibly spitting in it) and they are getting paid for it. That means if you want to eat, your are funding terrorism, or at least animalism.
But the trouble doesn’t stop there, no. It goes right to the top. Who are these restaurant owners who think hiring the enemy is a good idea? Who are these species traitors? We have a solution for both the owners and the beasts.
Written by Bryan McBournieThey make better sandwiches than pets anyways
Posted on October 10, 2008
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After receiving word from their penguin bretheren, it appears that all manner of sea-creatures are mobilizing an attack. A dolphin in Florida lept onto a boat and started violently thrashing, obviously trying to injure/kill anyone aboard. It appears as if the animals are strategically engineering their attacks along the coasts, our solution: nuke the seven seas and show these bastards how we really make fried fish.
Written by Bryan Schools