Take it from Snee: Now I know what sex is like
Posted on October 22, 2008
Filed Under Take it from Snee | |
Alright, so I threw away my broken toys last week and got married. I have now played with man things, like post-season baseball, college football and even dabbled in tuning out my wife. Yes, like a butterfly emerging forth from my basement cocoon, I have unfurled my wings to let the light beer of my college years drip off and become … a married comedy writer.
But don’t worry, SeriouslyReaders. I’m not about to turn “Take it from Snee” into Tim Allen’s next sitcom. No, I have more to bring you this week than anecdotes about my wedding. (Take my wife, for instance … please!)
No, I’ve also turned into an international man. You see, for two whole days, I had the honor–nay, privilege–of holding a temporary Bermuda driver’s license. Bermuda, of course, is an overseas territory of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II; therefore, I was Her Sovereign’s humble subject for two glorious days in the oldest remaining British colony!
So, as a married man who’s now seen how the rest of the world lives, let me share a few insights with you ugly Americans.
Apologies sound more genuine in non-American accents.
You Americans are always so sarcastic, like nothing’s a big deal anymore. Navigating a crowded environment is a toe-stepping angry Opposite Day that only ends by kicking a dog that looked at you funny. Is it any wonder that the rest of the world doesn’t believe you’re “so sorry, ya freakin’ moron, why dontcha learn to walk?”
Side Note: I often walk through New York City movie lots.
However, put any kind of accent into your apology, and it becomes instantly acceptable at face value. Examples include:
“Oh, that’s your wife? Terribly sorry! Here’s her knickers back.”
“Sorry about killing your father, mate. He was kind of a whacker, though.”
“You caught me, monsieur! Here is your wallet back, but I’m afraid I already maxed out your credit cards. Please accept my ‘umble apologies.”
Food and beverages from other countries always taste better than American foods.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy American food, but other countries put so much tradition and effort into their meals.
For instance, I had some sausages in Bermuda. (Why does everyone snicker when I start telling this story?) Let me tell you something: they don’t make sausage like this in the US. I mean, the pork was wrapped and sealed in some type of skin, and this package was heated on a skillet until the meat inside was safe to eat. Delicious!
So then I had lunch, and it truly opened my eyes. You see, I’ve been led to believe that I’ve been eating “hot dogs” when I go to all-American venues like ballparks or the prison guards’ annual barbeque. Then I had a hot dog hand-delivered by a Filipino named Rolando. That is what hot dogs are supposed to taste like: hand-delivered by a Filipino.
Finally, I had a Guinness. Not one of those pansy-ass Guinnesses I drank in your American bars to prove to my American friends that I’m a refined beer snob. No, I’m talking about a Guinness bottle that was labeled in French. Can you pretend to read a French beer label of a beer you routinely drink at home, you hipster? Not in America. Eat my s–t, you f–king rube.
Americans are clueless about politics.
If you hadn’t noticed before my wedding trip, I didn’t know a whole lot about politics. I knew I liked Barack Obama, but couldn’t figure out why. It was something instinctual, which is no basis for voting. (I’d drink a beer with Obama, but does he like beer?)
Fortunately, I went to the oldest British colony and learned a thing or two about American democracy.
People in Bermuda like Barack Obama because he’s not John McCain, who they classify as “scary, but not as scary as that Sarah Palin woman.” Obama is also not John McCain, who “is just like Bush. How did your country elect him twice?”
The most important conversation I overheard concerned our political campaigning itself. “It lasts for years! Why not restrict the amount of time for campaigning? It’s all our [foreign] newspapers talk about: your election!”
I was angry, of course, but not at these fine people. No, I was angry at myself for being so stupid all this year. The answer was obvious: I like Barack Obama because non-voters in other countries like him.
Written by Rick SneeComments
4 Responses to “Take it from Snee: Now I know what sex is like”
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Good Job Rick - being married makes you a more informed writer - at least being married to my niece does
“You see, for two whole days, I had the honor–nay, privilege–of holding a temporary Bermuda driver’s license. ”
Ciao!
Where’ve you been? Everything tastes better when hand delivered by a Filipino. Everybody knows that. You’re not truly an international man until you’ve eaten lasagna from the cupped hands of the elite Italian chef who prepared it.
By the way, I can’t decide which is best: the original photo of you & Andrew, you and Andrew dancing at a stately ball, or the background audience of Sparky’s family being utterly shocked and getting ready leave.
Rick, I honestly wonder how long this marriage is going to last based on the fact that one of your main topics in your first feature back was the delicious sausages you had in Bermuda.