Day: October 23, 2008

How To: Clean your domicile

Summer’s finally over and the holidays draw near, which means you’re about to fill your house with a bunch of crap: hidden Halloween candy, those yams you only pretended to eat, other people’s presents and decorations galore.

It’s time to clean up while you can still keep the windows open, lest you choke on last year’s dust.

It’s also a time to set priorities, like do you need a copy of every newspaper that mentions your town’s name? How did those Beanie Baby investments pan out, especially in this period of economic woe?

If you can’t afford to let this year’s crap pile on top of last year’s worthless junk, then you’ve hit the right URL. SeriouslyGuys presents how to clean your domicile. Continue reading How To: Clean your domicile

What are you thinking, India?

India had a gorilla. Only one gorilla. They know exactly where it is at all times and they have even been trying to fix her up for the past eight years. Nothing’s happened on that front.

Obviously, we say good job, matchmakers. We don’t need any more gorillas in this world, and certainly India is included in that. Gorillas are like nuclear (or “nukular,” for our Republican leadership readers) weapons. The more of them there are, the worse off everyone is. Yet India insists on proliferating apes of mass destruction.

India, don’t you have enough problems as it is? Your country is over populated, you’re in an arms race with Pakistan (aka Next On Our Invasion List), and your cities are already overrun with monkeys. Sounds to us like you have enough primate problems as it is.

Say, we know a nice date for your girl.

Your next paycheck will include a complimentary piece of coal

Do you feel it?

There’s a snap in the air. The temperature’s getting crisper. Wal-Mart has put up the candy and instead rolled out stockings. People are starting to put on their coats and get a cup of hot chocolate when they go out to pick up the latest cd. Classic cartoon specials are airing on tv, and you know them by heart. Everywhere around you, you can see the colors of a blaze red and a highly verdant green.

These are all traditions that we associate with Christmas. We’ve known them by heart and we shall continue to do so for most of our mortal lives. Well, it’s time to add another tradition to that group-the “mall Santa is fired in October” should definitely fit right in.

Yes, to quote Queen, “another one bites the dust.” Michael Graham, longtime Santa of Tysons Corner Center in McLean, Virginia (even I remember visiting the guy when I was 7, and I’m the youngest member of the SG crew), has been fired with no notification. Possibly unjustly, as he has had a contract with the mall until 2012. In fact, the mall states that he has done nothing wrong. This brings to mind that there may be a possible breach of contract, given these facts. Will Graham be able to put his now useless Santa suits to use? Only time and sufficient drinking will be able to tell.

A bit of warning: those that read the linked article will be put through Christmas-pun Hell. It was rough for me, and I love puns.

Voodoo politics

In America, if we don’t like our politicians, we write songs about or call our favorite national talk radio personalities. It goes without saying that everything in France is just a little different. There, a publishing company has been releasing dolls that look like President Nicolas Sarkozy and includes a voodoo manual.

This has Sarkozy a bit upset. He has threatened to sue the company because apparently over there, famous people still own their likeness, unlike politicians here in the U.S.

The Guys applaud France’s attempts at expression of its disappointment with its leaders. We are glad to see something in between sad films about the pointlessness of life and more than a week’s worth of riots. However, this blog is keeping a wary eye on you, France. We defeated witchdoctors once and we can do it again.