Day: October 29, 2008

Take it from Snee: Who’s Number Two?

Thank god this election is almost over. The two halves of this country get so collectively stupid that I’ve started to feel like I’m at a rock show: getting pushed around by moshers while security swings their Mag-Lights at them through me.

I’m ready for news cycles filled with the usual inanity of missing white girls and celebrity infidelity, as opposed to the latest political talking points, like “Joe the Plumber” and, of course, “America’s #1.”

What does it mean, really, when some moron says that America’s the greatest and bestest country, numero uno amongst the other entire 192 principalities people call home? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Who’s Number Two?

Keeping an eye on ghoulish figures

Zombies! They claim they only want brains, but we know the truth. The “brrraaaaaaaaaaaaains” bit is an act; they’d rather have what’s in our pants.

And by that, we mean money. (What were you thinking?)

Forbes Magazine just listed this year’s top dead earners, 13 of which earned a combined $194 million dollars this past year.

Elvis was number one, of course, earning $52 million, presumably in velvet painting sales.

Charles Schulz was number two with $33 million, thanks to a huge back catalog of Snoopy merchandise (and the occasional other Peanuts character product).

And our old buddy, Heath Ledger — a zombie finance newbie (a z00mbie) — had an impressive $20 million year, grabbing the undead celebrity bronze.

Honorable mentions include Albert Einstein, Aaron Spelling, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon (who didn’t care about possessions until zombification), Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman (another z00mbie), James Dean and Marvin Gaye.

Tupac Shakur failed to make this year’s issue because, as Dr. Snee explained, that’s how iron lungs work.

Illegal breastitution

Well ladies, it appears as if the age-old practice of having dollar bills shoved down your brazier can be illegal in some cases. Take Massachussets Sen. Dianne Wilkerson for example. Wilkerson has been charged with accepting $23,500 in bribes from undercover federal agents. There is even video of her taking some of the cash and shoving it down her bra in front of the officers.

Apparently she never got the memo at age 18 that you can still have a dirty profession outside of politics that allows you to stuff dollar bills down your bra … reality television.

Be glad it was only PvP and not ClanvP

Slowly but surely, news related to World of Warcraft has made its way onto our headlines. Thanks, crazy people. You’re the best. Even more so when you’re from Australia.

Oh my. What a coincidence. I just happen to know of a story that has both topics related to it. I better talk about it.

….and one clever segue later, an Australian student stabbed a friend in the head and nearly severed one his fingers during a fight about the volume of a World of Warcraft gaming session. No, really.

The university student was at a friend’s home last night with four friends playing World of Warcraft when the fight started. The student told the court that the fight was spurred by an argument about the volume of the other man’s computer. During the fight, Zhenghao Shen allegedly stabbed the victim in the head with a chef’s knife, gashing his head, and nearly left him with one less digit.

Sadly, the victim was not wearing a cloak of +8 protection. Though, I’m morbidly delighted in finding out what Shen was yelling out while stabbing. Perhaps something akin to “Leroy Jenkins?”

Well, we also need a face

Are you a woman and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t find a guy that will be attracted to you? (Seriously? You can’t pick up a dude to save your life? You know we’re a lot easier to get than you ladies, right?) Because we have such a huge following of female readers, we are here to help you out.

Wear red.

There. That’s it. A new study shows that men find women more attractive in that color over others. Apparently, guys are so simple to attract, all you have to do is wear red. We’re like bulls. You wave that red cloth in front of us, and all we can think is “CHARGE!”

Our question is: does this work the other way around?