Day: October 30, 2008

How To: Fake sports knowledge

“Hey, did you catch the game last night?”

“Oh, uh, yeah! Wow.”

“I know! I’m just glad Philly beat Tampa after that stupid call last time.”

“Yeah, who do the Bucs think they are? Good to see the Pirates get their due. So when’s the championship game?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go over there now. If the wrong person sees me talking to you, I’m socially-obligated to beat you up.”

Was this your day?

If so, then it’s obvious that you don’t watch sports at all, which is fine, you know, since you were so busy with that manga marathon. Read on to learn how to fake sports knowledge (before some coworker beats you up in front of your boss). Continue reading How To: Fake sports knowledge

Poodles on a runway

Of all animals, we too often over look the threats that poodles pose to the human race. Little did we know they posess the ability to hit us where it really hurts: airports.

Choochy the poodle was quickly added to the federal no-fly list after she escaped from her kennel at Boston’s Logan International Airport. The fluffy, unassuming mongrel kept airport personnel chasing it for 17 hours, which now stands as the world’s longest game of fetch. They even got police and firefighters in on it, which means the curly-haired beast was tying up our emergency services.

Worst of all, the chase delayed at least 8 flights. Luckily, SG was able to get a cockpit (teehee) recording of one of those flights:

8:17 pm
Pilot: “Uhhhhh, folks, this is yer captain speaking. I’m afraid I’ve got a bit of bad news up here. Uhhhhh, it seems we’re going to have to wait here for just a few minutes, it seems those folks on the runway are doin’ something and will get out of our way in a hurry. We’ll keep you posted.”

8:41 pm
Pilot: “Uhhhhh, folks, we just heard from the tower. Sounds like they’re chasing around some sort of animal out there–on the runway, I mean, not in the control tower. *chuckle* But we’ll be moving as soon as they catch it. I’m sure it’s just a lil’ ol’ goose or something that will fly off in a minute.”

9:12 pm
Pilot: “Uhhhhh, folks, we got word from the tower about what it is that they’re chasin’ ’round out there. It seems that it’s a poodle. Now, nobody panic, the poodle is a quarter mile away from here, and this plane is protected by steel on all sides. Jus’ t’ be on the safe side, we went ahead and double checked the lock on the cockpit door.”

That over-50 fringe voting group

We’ve heard about every small swing-voting group this election:

  • The youth vote
  • Real Americans
  • Women
  • Closeted white supremicists
  • Terrorists (Who knew suicide bombers want health care?)

There’s one tiny group, though, that has been swept under the carpet, ignored for all intents and purposes … until today.

Yes, now the pundits are focused on what’s good for retired Americans, that plucky little band of people over 50, now including some 76 million baby boomers, who decide every election.

If you thought it was the NASCAR dads or the plumbers that counted the most this election, then the news managed to jerk you off this whole time. It was your grandpa that keeps sending you emails about secret Muslims who mattered. Don’t you feel silly for spam blocking him now?

Fortunately, there’s something you can do: support Proposition 268 or, as we’ve nicknamed it, Logan’s Amendment. Logan’s Amendment will send all of the elderly to a fabulous Carousel for the rest of their natural lives, where they will live in bliss until God calls them home.

Sound harsh? OK, well it’s that our you start calling in some birthday favors.

So, a Polish man drives a bus into a lake …

No, that’s not the beginning of a joke, nor even the punchline of one. Sadly, that’s actually the headline of a story–though, you might be able to say that the jokes, sometimes, write themselves.

We live in a day and age where GPS and SAT/NAV units are getting to be nearly as commonplace as a cell phone or an iPod … all over the world. Why, if commercials trying to connect Americans with Napoleon using one don’t advise you of this fact, then I don’t know what will. Unfortunately, we, as a people and a civilization, are starting to become too attached to them. Take for example, a gentleman from Poland.

While driving around the area of Glubczyce (in the south west part of Poland), a man looked down to his GPS unit. Not uncommon for many people, especially like him, that are so used to roads that rarely ever change. He should’ve looked up. Since changes had been made to build a new reservoir lake, what was once a road was no longer.

And what was once a dry vehicle was no longer. The GPS hadn’t been updated in time. A man and his passengers were now all wet, thanks to his undying faith in the GPS (Following the warning signs? Balderdash!).

Where is the man now? Living in a man, down IN the river.

Winning without even trying

Some fronts take a lot of work to win. Take the Amazon rain forest for example. We know that it has the highest concentration of animal life, of both species known and unknown, in the world. To conquer such terrain is taking the coordinated effort of thousands of poor farmers looking for more land, and fast food companies who need to raise more cattle. We are making progress there slowly, but as long as we don’t give in, we will get there.

Then there are places like Yellowstone National Park, where we aren’t really trying and yet we’re winning anyway. Scientists have found that despite being protected by federal law (for reasons unknown to us) amphibians are dying off. Why? Global warming, which as any Republican leader will tell you, had nothing to do with us until this election cycle, now we believe there could be some slight human cause, but really it’s just the Earth’s natural cycle.

Scientists have found that newts, frogs and toads have been declining in population in the park. Little do they know, the amphibians are actually being used for a brew made by a witch living in the park.