Month: October 2008

Take it from Snee: Who’s Number Two?

Thank god this election is almost over. The two halves of this country get so collectively stupid that I’ve started to feel like I’m at a rock show: getting pushed around by moshers while security swings their Mag-Lights at them through me.

I’m ready for news cycles filled with the usual inanity of missing white girls and celebrity infidelity, as opposed to the latest political talking points, like “Joe the Plumber” and, of course, “America’s #1.”

What does it mean, really, when some moron says that America’s the greatest and bestest country, numero uno amongst the other entire 192 principalities people call home? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Who’s Number Two?

Keeping an eye on ghoulish figures

Zombies! They claim they only want brains, but we know the truth. The “brrraaaaaaaaaaaaains” bit is an act; they’d rather have what’s in our pants.

And by that, we mean money. (What were you thinking?)

Forbes Magazine just listed this year’s top dead earners, 13 of which earned a combined $194 million dollars this past year.

Elvis was number one, of course, earning $52 million, presumably in velvet painting sales.

Charles Schulz was number two with $33 million, thanks to a huge back catalog of Snoopy merchandise (and the occasional other Peanuts character product).

And our old buddy, Heath Ledger — a zombie finance newbie (a z00mbie) — had an impressive $20 million year, grabbing the undead celebrity bronze.

Honorable mentions include Albert Einstein, Aaron Spelling, Dr. Seuss, John Lennon (who didn’t care about possessions until zombification), Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman (another z00mbie), James Dean and Marvin Gaye.

Tupac Shakur failed to make this year’s issue because, as Dr. Snee explained, that’s how iron lungs work.

Illegal breastitution

Well ladies, it appears as if the age-old practice of having dollar bills shoved down your brazier can be illegal in some cases. Take Massachussets Sen. Dianne Wilkerson for example. Wilkerson has been charged with accepting $23,500 in bribes from undercover federal agents. There is even video of her taking some of the cash and shoving it down her bra in front of the officers.

Apparently she never got the memo at age 18 that you can still have a dirty profession outside of politics that allows you to stuff dollar bills down your bra … reality television.

Be glad it was only PvP and not ClanvP

Slowly but surely, news related to World of Warcraft has made its way onto our headlines. Thanks, crazy people. You’re the best. Even more so when you’re from Australia.

Oh my. What a coincidence. I just happen to know of a story that has both topics related to it. I better talk about it.

….and one clever segue later, an Australian student stabbed a friend in the head and nearly severed one his fingers during a fight about the volume of a World of Warcraft gaming session. No, really.

The university student was at a friend’s home last night with four friends playing World of Warcraft when the fight started. The student told the court that the fight was spurred by an argument about the volume of the other man’s computer. During the fight, Zhenghao Shen allegedly stabbed the victim in the head with a chef’s knife, gashing his head, and nearly left him with one less digit.

Sadly, the victim was not wearing a cloak of +8 protection. Though, I’m morbidly delighted in finding out what Shen was yelling out while stabbing. Perhaps something akin to “Leroy Jenkins?”

Well, we also need a face

Are you a woman and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t find a guy that will be attracted to you? (Seriously? You can’t pick up a dude to save your life? You know we’re a lot easier to get than you ladies, right?) Because we have such a huge following of female readers, we are here to help you out.

Wear red.

There. That’s it. A new study shows that men find women more attractive in that color over others. Apparently, guys are so simple to attract, all you have to do is wear red. We’re like bulls. You wave that red cloth in front of us, and all we can think is “CHARGE!”

Our question is: does this work the other way around?

Eat My Sports: The 2008 Hurl Series

As a baseball fan, I am ashamed. I’ve squared with the fact that the season for the Red Sox just continues in March (otherwise known for some as “Spring Training”). However, this World Series has just become a joke. The umpires in this year’s edition obviously belong in the minors, Bud Selig is better served as a special PR consultant to Jose Canseco, and the whole state of Florida can eat my sports for this load of crap bandwagon for the Rays.

Last night’s game should NEVER have happened. MLB knew the forecast for Philadelphia waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before the game even started. But networks run sports these days, and FOX, which is probably ready to shoot themselves over the ratings, needed a potential championship game. Which, being a media guy, I get to some degree. But on my end of things, it’s easy to be a purest/righteous when it has nothing at stake for me. But that’s exactly why I get to complain about it, so deal with it, commies. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The 2008 Hurl Series

Don’t call it a remake

The biggest headline in all news important to Bryan McBournie is this huuuge Hollywood announcement:

Zac Efron will be in the new Footloose!!!1!

The plan is to modernize the 80s classic to include (presumably) abstinence pledges, new songs by the Jonas Brothers and the Baptists — led by Kevin Bacon — successfully upholding their ban on all forms of dancing except choreographed numbers.

To those of you who bought tickets to High School Musical 3, effectively unleashing this miracle of film on us:

You suck.

The best protests come from the liver … I mean, heart

How to effectively protest against drunk driving charges:

1. Stay sober. Remember, when you’re on the road, you can’t protest drunk driving charges if you’re over the legal limit. Plus, there’s that whole safety thing.

2. Idle hands create idle … stuff. If you are drinking, swallow throw away those keys. All of them. Yes, even the spares that you may have. Instead, get busy, by putting together a puzzle, calling your friends or walking around on the tops of the cars around you. Enjoy a delicious castor oil-toothpaste-Vick’s Vap O Rub cocktail. Put together your “Anti-Drunk Driving Charge” protest rally sign. Anything but fiddling with those car keys of yours.

3. Don’t bug the po-lice. If you have gotten a DUI (or its equivalent in your country), lay off the sauce. Don’t drink anymore. Don’t drive anymore. Don’t go to the police headquarters in order to discuss “their mistake”. Just get out your checkbook, pay your fine, mail it off and twiddle your thumbs for the next 5 weeks.

Unfortunately, it would seem that people in Vienna just don’t know how to take our advice.

Breaking news:

Vienna has just now gotten access to SeriouslyGuys.com.

Oh. My, well, this is slightly awkward.

Make-up sets

For those of you who did not watch last night’s World Series’ Game 5 (and judging by the atrocious ratings for this year’s classic, most of you didn’t), the game was rained out with a 2-2 tie in the sixth inning. The game was called due to a rain-soaked Philadelphia ballpark, but not before the baseball gods (Bud Selig, FOX, the man on the grassy knoll) allowed the game to be tied-up by the Rays on a few weather induced balls.

The final innings will be played tonight, with coverage starting at 8 PM (EST, fool). Watch as our beloved Sox try once again to have their ALCS Game 7 loss avenged … by the Phillies.

UPDATE: Just kidding! They aren’t playing tonight, either!

Hey, his blood is wine, right?

If there is one potential marketing ploy that is never used, it’s God. No one ever tries to court the Christians in America, despite the fact that they are a huge demographic. Perhaps one day Christmas will be a larger holiday like it deserves to be, until then we must stick to beer.

We turn now to the 27th Great American Beer Festival (held three weeks after the So-So American Beer Festival), in our search for God. There, one entrepreneur is asking, What Would Jesus Brew? At the festival, one could find beers from an old Abbey, He’Brew, a Jewish beer, Genesis Ale, Messiah Bold and even Damnation.

So does this mean drinking on Sunday is OK with God?