Eat My Sports: Eli does Dallas
Posted on November 4, 2008
Filed Under Eat My Sports | Leave a Comment |
“Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the most talented team of all-time. A quarterback who can’t distinguish a locked-in safety from Jessica Simpson’s boobs, a receiver who drops more balls and complains like Kendra when she can’t fit into a “booty-outfit” in an episode of The Girls Next Door, a coach who looks like an old version of Michael Moore … on a bender, and an owner who frightens little children like Skeletor. They didn’t even have to make it to the playoffs, much less win a game, no, they were Super Bowl Champs before Hard Knocks even airred back in the summer. They didn’t even need to be Wild Cards. Cause folks, they’re just that damn good. Your 2008 World Champion, Dallas Cowboys!!!”
-Roger Goodell 2/1/2009
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Posted on November 4, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Tokyoh-no!, War on Animals | 2 Comments |
Scientists, what do you think you’re doing? Don’t you realize what you’ve done?
Let’s backpeddle a second for all the readers catching us mid-scolding:
Scientists in Japan have successfully cloned mice after freezing the donor to death. To repeat: they’ve brought mice back from the dead. Kind of. Pretty much.
Without death, there’s no way to stop animals from eating the Earth that God fitfully gave to us, humans. In fact, now there’s plans to bring back species we wiped out, like wooly mammoths.
Look, science, you wanna see a hairy elephant? Talk to Lucasfilm. They’ll show you a furry pachyderm with adorable bandage-swathed subhumans riding them. How about that?
Just — for the love of all that is holy — stop bringing non-people back from the dead. It’s not cool.
(Heh, “not cool.” Frozen mice. Still not worth it, science.)
Written by Rick SneeVideo games will kill you
Posted on November 4, 2008
Filed Under Scurry '08, Scurry (Politics), Tokyoh-no!, What a Reach! | 1 Comment |
Iowa State University would have you believe that video games aren’t safe.
Iowa State University would like to it known that video games are causing aggressive behavior in children regardless of their cultural surroundings, which is totally not a case of kids being kids.
Iowa State University would like you to think that a new study from their merry halls shows several parallels to a recent Japanese study.
Iowa State University isn’t telling you the whole truth.
Video games will kill you. Video games are nothing but a tool of Al Qaeda. You want proof?
One detainee is said to have been schooled in making detonators out of Sega game cartridges.
That’s some old school destruction, and I’m not talking about the kind found in Gunstar Heroes. Whoever gets the job tonight won’t have to deal with just the fallout of the War in Iraq, Guantanamo Bay and the crash of Wall Street, but also the destructive capabilities of old copies of Mutant League Football.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAnd this little piggy …
Posted on November 4, 2008
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Robbery is a horrible crime, as is the breaking and entering that usually accompanies it. It leaves the victims with a sense of violation, it leaves the criminals, however, richer, if not somewhat loaded down.
In Minnesota, police say they caught a man who stole eight piggy banks from a home, getting a total of $2,700 in change. Most change jars aren’t exactly light, and they certainly don’t have a grand or two in them, so eight piggy banks with $2,700 in them must have weighed a ton. The man took the piggy banks to a local bank and got his money changed over. Police say he was caught when a neighbor noticed the him leaving the house after the robbery.
Sadly, the piggy banks were broken beyong repair.
Written by Bryan McBournieThat’s some good S**T!
Posted on November 4, 2008
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Think those pompous Frenchies will be rude to you? Francois, you’ve just been one-upped. A tourist attraction in Sydney is being investigated after a family found poop in their gelato, the flavor: chocolate. The pub like to think their s**t don’t stink, but once they leaned a little bit closer, those roses really smelled like poo-poo.
The best part of this story: the pub offered $3,240 in “hush money.”
Written by Bryan Schools