How To: Avoid science
Posted on November 6, 2008
Filed Under How To, It Must Be Science!, War on Aliens | 2 Comments |
We lost one of the giants this week. Aside from President-elect Barack Obama’s grandmother, author Michael Crichton died this week. We all know who he is, so stop pretending. Crichton brought us books like “Jurassic Park,” “Sphere,” “The Andromeda Strain,” the television series ER and even movies like Twister, Congo, and That Forgettable One With Paul Walker in Medieval France–some of which were based on his books. (Check with Chugs for the movies he directed in the 1970s.)
Crichton was a modern day Mary Shelly, except a dude and nearly seven feet tall. He was like Shelly, in that he taught us that science is a really, really horrible thing. We should never trust it, we should always question it because one day it will get us all killed. Oh, and global warming is like eugenics. With that in mind, we bring you how to avoid science. Read more
Written by Bryan McBournieWhat happens when you let everyone onto Facebook?
Posted on November 6, 2008
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This. This is what happens when Facebook let everyone onto their social networking site.
Originally designed for college students, Facebook was the way to stalk that girl you sit behind in Lit class. You know, the one who’s always whale-tailin’ it up.
Back then, you could have a group dedicated to “dead baby” jokes or Elmo slash-fiction, and no one cared because they were busy getting into “it’s complicated with” relationships with their BFFs.
Not anymore.
Facebook opened her borders up to everyone. The high schoolers were first, trying to find new ways to display pictures of themselves looking in mirrors. Then, the parents joined.
Now every group has that one bored soccer mom trying to have a serious discussion about teen pregnancy on the “I Don’t Remember Last Night” group message board. (She followed her son, who is in college, there to keep tabs on him.)
So, good-bye “Dead Babies Make Me Laugh” group. Sorry all the moms with new babies didn’t find you as hilarious. It was fun while you lasted, but to be fair, you kids are not nearly as funny as our class was. We invented dead babies. Posers.
Written by Rick SneeExtinction sucks
Posted on November 6, 2008
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Michael Crichton has become like most of the characters in his books. Jurassic Park was a heckuva good read. We can only hope that, despite his attacks upon the scientific community, in a bit of irony, part of his DNA is encased in a piece of amber.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorMan up, ladies
Posted on November 6, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
Are you having trouble “getting it up” in the sack, ladies? (What? We’re not gynecologists.)
It must be really troubling because your old man keeps popping Viagra like it’s the Rapture, but where’s your little blue pill? Sure, he gets a medical boner, but you still have to get excited by his wrinkly liver spots?
Not anymore, thanks to Science! If you’re having trouble drinking-in that tall glass of prune juice you call a man, just slap on a testosterone patch. You won’t just want arbitrary, clinical sex. You’ll also:
- Get into more fistfights.
- Discover the allure of fishing.
- Believe you would have made an awesome pirate.
- Shave.