Day: November 25, 2008

Eat My Sports: Turkey Day revisions

As we approach Thanksgiving 2008 we’re all prepping with last minute runs to the grocery store, saving up for the big meal, and of course the annual Detroit Lions’ Thanksgiving Day football game. Right, that doesn’t sound correct to me either. How does the crappiest team in football get a Thanksgiving game every year? I watch it out of sheer boredom sympathy.

I get watching the Cowboys game. Even in their worst years, at least it is entertaining football. But what in the hell is going to attract an audience to watch an 0-11 team with Daunte Culpepper at the helm? We need some changes folks.

First off, we need to change the team. It’s like watching the official final nail starting to be driven in to the Lions’ season come Thanksgiving. So, we need to put in a team that at the very least is in contention yearly. Which is why I think we should seriously consider putting in the New York Giants, New England Patriots or the Washington Redskins. After all, with the Redskins, we at least have representatives of the first Thanksgiving … I mean, before we took away all of their land and unjustly forced them to live on reservations. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Turkey Day revisions

Don’t let Alzheimer’s dampen the holidays!

As the holidays that don’t involve bobbing for little bottles of liquor approach, those of you with elderly relatives may encounter some memory loss (that, once again, doesn’t involve little bottles of liquor).

While Alzheimer’s means that your mom or dad might not recognize you, that doesn’t mean they want to be bored with the same old reintroductions to their bastard grandchildren. Give them the life they’ve always wanted — you know, before you were born.

1) Total Recall: “What do you mean you want to go to Mars,Grandpa? Mars is terrible. How about a nice tour of the rings of Saturn?” Then have your mom try to kill him with a cooking knife. The fun starts when Grandpa’s WWII training kicks in.

2) The Bobby Darin Story: Convince your grandmother that she is your mother and that your mother is actually your sister. Bonus points if you don’t tell your mom whats going on.

3) Clue: It’s murder! And your Aunt doesn’t remember killing the butler in the library with the rope … until you arrange the clues so they point to her.

4) The Alzheimer’s Game: Convince a suggestible older relative that they’ve entered the early stages of dementia by having the entire family reminisce about things that never happened. Will they catch on by Christmas? That’s the Alzheimer’s Game!

Forethought is the mother of accidental porn

Good idea: Keeping a hold on your phone, especially if you’re grabbing fast food and it has a camera on it. An Arkansas couple ended up as accidental porn-stars after losing a phone at McDonald’s. Now they want to end up as accidental millionaires.

Better idea: Just opt to not eat at McDonald’s.Ever.

The biggest case of the year

It’s a slow news week, we get that much. Here at SG, we thrive on the stories that don’t always make it to the front page, but when the major news corporations start doing that, you know it’s almost time for a holiday.

Just yesterday, still only a matter of hours ago, CNN broke a shocking story in Massachusetts: there’s a piano in the woods! Luckily the Harwich, Massachusetts police are on the case, and they always get their piano man.

As if this were not enough, the details that have come out so far from the case have been nothing short of shocking.

“Discovered by a woman who was walking a trail, the Baldwin Acrosonic piano, model number 987, is intact–and, apparently, in tune.”

Mother of god, no! Why did it have to be a Baldwin Acrosonic piano, much less model number 987, which is the deadliest model number of all Baldwin Acrosonic pianos out there? And intact? Sweet C minor, we’re all doomed! What kind of diabolic mind would set up such a music instrument?

Stay in your homes, people of Harwich! You never know what other dangerous musical instruments you might stumble across trespassing in the woods.