Month: November 2008

The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts

For the past several weeks, Congress has been handing out money like candy on Halloween. (Technically, it’s been doing this since 1787, but let’s stick to today.) Banks, car manufacturers and the banks again have put on their best costumes and knocked on Congress’ door. Lawmakers have been only too happy to give what the executives want, mostly because they look so cute in their little outfits.

Since the Congressional lottery continues, I have come up with a few other things that are worth of billion-dollar bailouts. Should I ever be called to testify, I would be happy to make my case. Until then, this new device, this series of tubes will have to do. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more bailouts

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Samurai Cop’

We’re running a slightly remastered classic MCT because it follows all the basic tenets of this month’s theme: sub-par acting at best, wacky kung-fu fighting and an absolutely ridiculous premise. It’s not dubbed, as it’s a 100% American product, but sometimes it’s best to dub it yourself, especially if you’re watching it with some friends. Hope you enjoy.

Let’s get this out early–Samurai Cop is not what one might call a good movie. By no means is it a good movie. It’s a funny movie to watch but only because it is so horrible. The dialog, the production values, the acting, the music, the editing, you name it and it will make you laugh. What does that yield? A movie that’s surprisingly not from C’thulu’s womb itself. Well, OK, maybe.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Samurai Cop’

You Missed It: Feeling drowsy edition

Welcome to the last edition of You Missed It before the holiday. We say “holiday” so as not to offend those who are not of the faith, but still choose to celebrate Thanksgiving. In some retail circuits, it is also known as Black Thursday or Christmas Part II. (Part I being Halloween, of course.)

It’s that time of year again where everyone is hoping to see the first flakes of snow, meanwhile, parts of upstate New York have three feet of it already. So here’s hoping you get some of their share. If you were busy naming your son Bronx Mowgli, odds are you missed it.

Justice never sleeps, but it does faint now and then
Scary one here for the U.S. Justice Department, during a speech in Washington on Thursday, Attorney General Michael Mukasey began slurring his words before slowing falling forward into the podium. He was caught and taken to a Washington, D.C. hospital. Worries of a stroke were quelled when Mukasey was released Friday afternoon, apparently it was a fainting spell. Mukasey was estimated to be the fourth person to lose consciousness during his speech that night.

‘We promise not to go on any luxury retreats after this, honest’
Executive of the Big Three car manufacturers went to Congress this week to beg for some of the free money that they have been handing out so generously to banks and mistresses. When they testified, they were not met with the customary “Of course you can! Here’s a check, just write in the amount. We know you’re good for it.” No, they were instead met with angry sound bite after angry sound bite, as lawmakers railed the executives. NSACAR fans, on the other hand, have been nothing but sympathetic.

The death of Lively
Google announced this week that it will be shutting down next month its Second Life-esque Lively. This of course saddened the dozens of people who had actually heard about Lively in the first place. The company said it was directing its resources elsewhere, because apparently the Internet is already saturated places for lonely men to troll for random hook-ips.

Inspiration by Mark Roberts

In an absolutely diabolical marketing move, a German brothel has come up with an interesting advertising plan: men who get the brothel’s name tattooed on their arm will get free entry into the establishment for the rest of their life (as well as discounts on certain services, like lap dances).

So yes, loyal readers of SG, send us your ideas for comparable services–we’re waiting.

Keeping it too real

Rico Todriquez Wright was so impressed with his shooting prowess that he mentioned a victim by name in one of his rap songs. What the braggart forgot to mention is that, while he can shoot a person, he apparently can’t kill one.

The victim, Chad Blue, heard the song and played it for the police. Fortunately, he did not receive a noise citation, but only because he was presenting evidence.

Rico “Not So Suave” Wright’s phat confession landed him in prison for the next 20 years on an aggravated assault beat.

Sony has crazy mind powers in their gaming boxes

Life is sometimes funnier than you can ever believe.

An Italian boy was rushed to hospital after it was believed he’d been suffering from a “severe brain disorder.” Disoriented and unable to speak, it turns out that young Lorenzo Amato had not, in fact, gone mental or suffered a stroke, but was feeling the effects of “PlayStation addiction.”

Hospital doctors assessed that he was mute and seemingly unable to understand his surroundings due he’d just finished a “marathon PlayStation session” that had caused him to become detached from the real world.

Seriously. Amato has apparently made a complete recovery and has since demanded the console be thrown out, since the very thought of it makes him want to vomit. Which, y’know, is a totally reasonable and healthy response.

They prefer the term ‘garden whore,’ thank you very much

Romanian businessman Cristi Birgu has attracted attention by trying to drum up sales for his garden gnome business with the strategic use of prostitutes.

No, not that type of prostitute, just plastic prostitutes.

No, not that kind of plastic. Unreal plastic!

Birgu has the miniature ladies of the evening–also manufactured by his company–placed outside his home, in the hopes that they’ll attract potential buyers. Somehow, I just can’t see much overlap between the people who buy garden gnomes and the people who solicit sex workers–but hey, what do I know? Maybe there’s some kind of statistical survey that’ll prove me otherwise.

However, it is legal in Florida

If this blog has said it once, it has said it a million times: no matter how much your dog may beg and beg, DO NOT let him drive the car. This lesson had to be learned the hard way in Long Island, New York.

A man left his car running (Seriously? Who does that anymore, least of all in New York?) while he went in somewhere (apologies, the story sucks), meanwhile Bentley the dog took the opportunity to shift the car into drive and hit a coffee house.

This is where you would normally find a rant about animals, but in this case, we find we cannot come down hard on the owner or the alleged dog, because the car did hit a coffee shop, which was probably laden with hippies and pseudo-intellectuals who go there to feed their coffee addiction and have anyone look at how important they and their MacBooks are. We’re willing to call this one a wash.

Lest we forget, look back on this fabled video allegory from the early 1990s.

How To: Celebrate a birthday

Vice President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday is today. We are sure you are already aware of this, because it is a national holiday and all. Biden is turning a spry 66 today. That means he was born in 1942. So, the man is older than two states in out Union, and he is also a fun person to drink with.

One would think the man who would be vice president would get some sort of soiree, but sadly, it appears that has not happened. Not only did the Philadelphia Eagles not win one for him on Sunday (but then again, a tie in football is pretty special), but his future boss was kind of lame. What did President-elect Barack Obama get Captain Coattail? Some cupcakes.

Clearly, someone was not paying attention to us. That’s why The Guys bring you how to celebrate a birthday. Continue reading How To: Celebrate a birthday

Spitzer hooker comes clean

(What? Why are you snickering?)

Just when no one could give a damn about Ashley Alexandre Dupre, the call girl who was linked to former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s downfall, she’s decided to try the next oldest profession: media attention whoring.

Just when Silda Wall Spitzer might have moved on, Dupre’s centerstage again, apologizing through newspapers, Diane Sawyer and anyone else who wants to hear about her music, fashion and — this just in — upcoming books.

She stressed in the Diane Sawyer interview that she will never delve into prositution again, and then followed that up with more details about her “strictly business” sex with Spitzer, including that he didn’t want to talk and that he used a condom when having sex with a whore.

Silda is apparently unavailable for comment as she hasn’t publicly expressed her relief at the release of these details and Dupre’s new fall fashion line.