Month: December 2008

Eat My Sports: Now, more than ever

If any of you out there had grown soft over the New York Yankees because they didn’t make the playoffs this past year, or because Darth Vader Al Davis George Steinbrenner had finally stepped down from the day-to-day operations of the team, then the past few weeks should have been a swift reminder as to why you should hate the New York Yankees.

Most people think I’m just a bitter Red Sox fan moaning over the fact that my boys weren’t able to land prized free agent Mark Teixeira. They could not be further from the truth. I never understood why Theo Epstein wanted Tex to begin with. We were already loaded with an All-Star infield, and were in no need of a first baseman, especially with Kevin Youkilis emerging as one of the game’s premier players. There was no room or need for Teixeira, or another $180 million on the books. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Now, more than ever

We prefer our breasts prenatal

OK, ladies: what’s the deal?

We’re not allowed to see your breasts in changing rooms or beaches or on carefully hidden bathroom cameras, but we’re supposed to look when you’re breastfeeding?

Let us backtrack a minute.

Heather Farley has, in the spirit of lazy Internet people, started a Facebook group to protest Facebook. It appears the social networking Web site took down photos of her breastfeeding her baby. In response, her group is cleverly tittied titled, “Hey, Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene!” [exclamation point hers, because that shows she’s serious].

Facebook, the fascist company that hosts her protest group, said the image showed her areola, which — in this Web site’s estimation — violates their image rules.

So, according to Farley, we’re not supposed to look at her breasts when she’s young and hot and fancy free, but she can show them to us when she’s somebody’s mother? With a baby gumming all over the nipples?

This is what’s wrong with America. We don’t want to see them now; we wanted to see them before they reminded us of the dangers of sex.

Steroids = Game Genie

Kansas Jayhawks wide receiver Dezmon Briscoe has had an absolutely wonderful season, racking up 78 receptions for 1,206 yards and 12 touchdowns (including three straight 100-yard games). How did he do it? No, he didn’t study game film, like most football players do, nor did he juice up like some of his contemporaries — he merely played hours of Madden NFL 09.

When the Kansas City Star asked what helped him improve his game the most this year, the sophomore specifically cited the 20th iteration of EA’s football franchise: “I’d have to say the updated Madden 2009,” since, in last year’s game, “they didn’t really roll their coverages as much.” Briscoe seems to be quite impressed with EA Tiburon’s new defensive AI, and he truly seems to believe that his own on-the-field improvements are, in part, due to the large amount of time he spent with the game:

I mean, I play Madden a whole lot … They roll their defenses now. The game systems these days are just crazy. Me playing Madden, it helps me read the defense on the field.

So instead of heading to the film room, he hangs out in the dorm room of his best friend and teammate, running back Rell Lewis, where Briscoe uses the Oakland Raiders to win games of Madden 09. It’s not like the real life counterparts are actually doing that job.

Why so sensitive?

Because we never miss an opportunity to make a reference to Heath Ledger, Warner Bros. announced that it is canceling the release of The Dark Knight in China, citing “cultural sensitivities.”

Well, we know that Chinese culture is totally cool with someone spying on their communications at all times, so that can’t be it. What about a Chinese national being one of the bad guys? Nah, they can’t be that sensitive. Maybe it’s because part of the movie takes place in Hong Kong, which just so happens to be within their borders, and the forcible kidnapping of said Chinese national from within China to the U.S.? Well, maybe, but the movie did well in Hong Kong.

Then maybe it’s because the movie features a woman in a powerful position. Yep, that’s the one.

Stupid parents have stupid kids

Some alarmists out there are pointing at a new study to say that purity pledges don’t work for teenagers.

Despite promising — in exchange for cheap, mass-produced silver* rings — to remain virgins until marriage, teens are still having premarital sex.

However, teens that break their pledges are more likely to make up for it by keeping another lesson from their parents close to heart: not to use contraception.

So, if you’re a moron and you have teenage kids, don’t give up. Keep preaching stupid ideas to your kids and some of them will leak through that acne medication of theirs.

*Silver purity rings from Wal-Mart may contain percentages of lead exceeding actual silver content.

Great Wall once again useful

It’s visible from space and it kept the Mongols out for centuries, but now, it’s helping the Chinese face another foe.

A wolf has been found traipsing around a section of the wall that has been frequented by tourists. The Badabing Badaling section is a restored part of the wall and is a magnet for tourists. However, it seems the animals are wise to this.

China has been among the most successful of nations in the War on Animals, eliminating pretty much everything non-human in all of its urbanized areas. But it seems there are still pockets of the enemy that need to be flushed out.

Sun Tzu must have said something about this.

Sorry, GOP

The Guys would like to apologize to the GOP for our recent vacation for Christmas. (Except Schools, who is a practicing Zoroastrian.) We didn’t know that our five days away from the Internet (two of which were our normal weekend) would leave you so desperate for comedy.

Indeed, Chip Saltzman thought he would bring the Republican party some yucks — and boost his own bid for party president —  with a CD collection of lame political song parodies called We Hate the USA.

Good News: The party didn’t wedgie him for the lamest form of political comedy since your mom discovered spam email.

Bad News: The party was forced to issue apologies en masse for the type of joke they normally let Rush Limbaugh tell for them while remaining an “independent.”

The offending song that made Republicans choke on their brandy and cigars? “Barack the Magic Negro,” a sendup of President-elect Obama’s electable qualities to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

So, once again, we apologize, GOP for leaving you high and dry. We can’t promise to not go away on vacation again, but you could just browse our archives.

The McBournie Minute: We need more guns in movie theaters

Welcome back from the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa break. I would like to tell you how much I missed you, but I’m afraid it might bring me to tears.

Speaking of things that make the entire world sad, the New England Patriots were bounced from the playoffs yesterday because the stupid New York Brett Favres couldn’t get points on the board. The Pats are the first NFL 11-5 team to miss the playoffs since 1985. Nevertheless, QB Matt Cassel did an amazing job of stepping in for the martyred Tom Brady. New England will miss him when he signs with Detroit Minnesota Tampa Bay next season.

Moving on, yet another thing that happened during the break, a guy allegedly shot another guy for talking during a movie. Oddly enough, it happened in Philadelphia.

You’re probably expecting me to go on some tirade about how Philly sucks and people shouldn’t have guns. Wrong. I say give people more guns. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more guns in movie theaters

Eat My Sports: Christmas edition, Scrooge style

Looking for some last minute Christmas/Festivus items for the holiday season? Well, I’m not doing that for you, you know why? Cause I don’t have time to go over your needs. However, if I were rich, here is what I would get each of TheGuys for Christmas, because it’s really only the thought that counts, and that is exactly why I’m only thinking about these things. And if I were thinking about sending a backhanded gift, well, here we go!

Bryan McBournie: Matt Cassel official Detroit Lions jersey
What better way to say “#### you” than the jersey that Cassel will be wearing getting beat up in Detroit next year? Why is this so cruel? Because while Cassel is busy becoming part of the 50-yard line in Ford Field, a post-injury, 32-year old Tom Brady will be leading a very pedestrian Patriots’ attack in 2009.

Accompanying this will be one of the 19-0 Patriots’ t-shirts available on eBay. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Christmas edition, Scrooge style

Run for your life!

OK, so you finally lost some weight, bringing you below the obese line. Perhaps you’re even barely above to overweight line. Time to relax and maintain, right?

WRONG, say doctors who wrote a new article in Circulation (clever, no?). If you’re a couple of pounds overweight, you still have a 180 percent increased risk of a heart attack over lean people. And, as Dr. Satish Kenchaiah, lead writer of the report, says, “The more you exercise, the more reduction [of the risk of heart disease] you have.”

So, what are you sitting around reading this for? Run! Run, you maggot! And don’t you dare stop running until you have a 0 percent chance of heart attack!