How To: Be a leader

Posted on December 4, 2008
Filed Under How To | 1 Comment |

Times are tough.

Sure, times have been tough in the past, but that was character-building tough, bear-wrestling tough. Things right now, well, they’re more like bear-raping tough.

What we need right now are leaders. Leaders with plans and assertive dominance who can guide us through what needs to be done.

You.

Yes, you (not your mom, who’s reading over your shoulder) could be that leader. That is why The Guys are gonna share with you how to be a leader.

Tools:

A pocketful of glass
A cheatsheet of your employee’s names, pictures, strengths and weaknesses
Public speaking skills
Distinguishing facial characteristics
Trust in your coworkers

1) Be seen doing tough things.
Thanks to countless Internet tough guys, nobody believes you if you tell them how strong or awesome you are. You have to show them.

It is essential to always have a pocket full of broken glass. A pocketful of broken glass is useful in several ways:

You can chew it. (Bonus point: After chewing it, blow it like bubble gum into a Christmas ornament.)
You can roll around in it.
You can snort it before tequila shots.
You can grind it into your eyes, laughing maniacally.

Hell, just carrying around a pocketful of glass will inspire awe among your new subordinates.

Other tough things to do in front of people include fist-fighting, wheelies and drum solos. If you’re under 21, then chug an entire beer without puking.

2) Assess the strengths and weaknesses of your team members.
Now that you’re the big boss, you have to tell your underlings what to do. They’ll do it at first because you look tough, but you know what ruins plans? Poor planning.

That’s why you don’t assign all the heavy lifting to the 110-pound guy with asthma or all the public relations to the schizophrenic Satan-worshipper. Effective personnel management makes all the difference. Also, it shows that you’re genuinely pretend interested in each member of your team.

3) Give an inspiring speech.
You could gather your minions around you and speak in deep voice about how we’re all a little afraid, but the difference between a hero and a coward is the bravery to act in spite of it. Or how your cause is just while the other side is pretty much the new Nazis. Or that this will be the greatest giant tea cozy in history, and that those who knit with you today shall forever be your brother.

Or you could braid lit gunpowder fuses in your hair, fire your pistols in the air and promise that all deserters and cowards will be eaten for tomorrow’s post-victory celebratory brunch/hangover recovery.

Only one method works every time. Lackeys will only believe that you know what you’re doing once.

4) Have one of those chin-butt things.
Seriously. If you don’t, why are you even bothering?

Chin-butt things FTW.

5) Delegate, delegate, delegate.
Nothing discourages the grunts like a leader who’s afraid to share responsibilities. Delegating some of your tasks challenges an achieving employee with more difficult work and gives them a glimpse at the bigger picture.

Just don’t spare the lash if they start to piss and moan. (And they will.)

Written by Rick Snee

Comments

One Response to “How To: Be a leader”

groonk on December 5th, 2008 6:25 am

“Or you could braid lit gunpowder fuses in your hair, fire your pistols in the air and promise that all deserters and cowards will be eaten for tomorrow’s post-victory celebratory brunch/hangover recovery.”

Blackbeard’s tactics work! i’ve..err…seen them demonstrated….yeah. that’s right.

i wasn’t involved at all.