Day: December 10, 2008

Take it from Snee: The State of Cool Address

Good evening, my fellow Internet users.

It my duty as the coolest person on the Internet to report every so often on the state of cool: that is, what is cool, what is no longer cool, threats to coolness and cool programs I am spearheading to keep our collective pimp hand strong.

As we approach 2009, we have reached a crucial focal point for what is cool. Environmentalism, economics and the downfall of Hot Topic raise many questions in the cool person’s mind. In these uncertain times, we shall work together to lift a few select individuals above the crowd. Continue reading Take it from Snee: The State of Cool Address

Getting your back will cost extra tokens

False idols are everywhere. You can look for them high, you can look for them low, and no matter what, you’ll probably find them. Whether they’re Plaxico Burress, Elvis Presley, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger, Kermit D. Frog or Stewie from Family Guy, if you’re following one, you’re probably a sheep that may or may not need to be culled. Still, hard feelings or resentment aside, we should all be able to agree on one thing–large anthropomorphic animals should never be made idols.

Unfortunately, there’s a chain of temples devoted to one such false idol. Double unfortunate is that these locations are often nothing more than a hotbed of violence. This false idol’s name? Chuck E. Cheese.

Mock me now, but it’s true. A string of wanton violence has begun appearing at Chuck E. Cheese’s all over the nation. Laugh all you want (Lord knows I did when I first saw the headline, thus knowing it must be our Headline of the Day), but you cannot deny the truth-scary things happen at a place where “a kid can be a kid.” For example, a six-year-old was approached by a woman in her thirties while he was playing a game. As he attempted to insert more tokens into the machine and continue playing, the woman confiscated his tokens and told him to let other people play. The boy naturally informed his mother, who was then screamed at by the token-thief before a thirty-something male grabbed the 26-year-old mother by the throat and slammed her into the video-game machine.

This is just why we cannot harbor such clear species traitorism. How can we live in peace when followers of a giant animal obviously cannot? Oh yeah, another good idea-probably not serving booze at a place for children. I’m just saying, is all.

Schadenfreude the Pick-Me-Up

Wednesday. Hump Day.

It’s the middle of the week, which means you’re halfway through work, but you still have a whole half week of work in front of you.

Mornings like this need a steamy cup of Schadenfreude to send you screaming like a Viking berserker into the office for three more days, charging through expense reports or pouring mounds of sawdust on that kid’s puke.

(Schadenfreude is perfect for any economic class.)

Or perhaps you’re an almost-forgotten living campaign slogan that annoyed America for a whole month, contributing to the loss of your candidate. Now that the election’s over, you might try anything to get the country’s attention again, like trying to distance yourself from that loser.

Of course that’s not you. Nobody wants to be Joe the Plumber. (He should probably get back to work, you know, in plumbing, like a good taxpaying American.)

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Taking the war to the real estate front

Our economic letdown over the past few months has affected many of us in many aspects of our lives. It is even hitting the real estate market hard, but when economics hit us, we hit the animals. Because, after all, they are responsible for the current downfall of society. Some people are even going as far as to leave their once beloved pets (such as birds) in homes they were forced to foreclose. Our response: maybe if those birds weren’t so freaking needy, maybe those people would’ve had money to pay for their homes.

‘Kissing is normally very safe’

If you read this blog, there is no doubt you are suave and sophisticated. You have no problem getting ladies to hang out with you and perhaps wish you to touch your lips to them. You are the man or woman.

So, here’s a tip for you: when passionately kissing your lover(s), try not to suck out their eardrums in the process. This happened recently in China. A man kissed his girlfriend’s ear, somehow reducing the pressure enough to pull out–alright, well you get the point. It’s gross.

“While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution,” the paper said.