Day: December 11, 2008

How To: Become tabloid fodder

You’re famous. People recognize you most places you go. Yet, not everyone knows who you are (Jeremy Piven). You want to be the lead story of any place you go, get free drinks regardless of time of day, and you want to flex some serious muscle in L.A.

Your publicist can only do so much. It’s up to you to take it the rest of the way. If you try, really try, you too can be one of those celebrities that grace the tabloids week after week. How? Listen to The Guys, are going to show you how to become tabloid fodder. Continue reading How To: Become tabloid fodder

Look out, Bill O!

Yes, Campbell Brown on Fox News rival CNN wants President-elect Barack Obama to reveal everything he hasn’t said about disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. (If you bet your friends that we copied and pasted that last name, collect your complimentary back rub.)

She took the president-elect to task on her new No Bias, No Bull show, which is obviously not a poor man’s respinning of the “No Spin Zone,” alleging that he did not say enough about not knowing that G-Rod was allegedly asking for bribes.

Brown also noted that investigating U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald said on record that Obama was not involved in the crime in any way.

So, if Obama’s innocent of all wrongdoing, then what is he hiding? Good question, Ms. Brown.

Don’t forget to wage your completely original War on Easter, read today’s “Speaking Points Memo” and hock your holiday goods at the online Brown Element store.

Dirty headline of the day

We here at SG try to keep things clean. Things like farts, boobs and guys getting hit in the huevos are in NO WAY utterly hillarious to us. But for those of you with a sense of humor that goes down south, check out our early challenger for headline of the day.

And if the headline doesn’t do it for you, tell me that Tom Dashle doesn’t look like a sex offender in that photo.

Wii would like to program

The Wii–it’s that other console that you play every now and then eight months after finally buying one. Yeah, the hard drive is super tiny, the game selection of good to bad is a ratio that you don’t want to know, it’s not formatted for a high definition world and waggle is just plain bad.

But.

It does have its purposes, here and there. And who is it that has managed to find a way to use the Wii properly? Why, it’s our good friend science!

Yes, the newest foray of the Wii outside the world of games has to do with a research project being conducted at Rice University, which hopes to find a way to use the Wiimote to control robot teachers. Oh yes, you heard that right. Our robot teachers. You see, science has finally done something to truly further mankind–we’re using their own technology to educate ourselves, thus putting our eventual robot overlords to good use. Take that, turkey!

Led by Rice professors Marcia O’Malley and Michael Byrne, the project plans to analyze motion using the controller and then compare it to an advanced capture device from Vicon. Whatever that means. Viva la human-lucion!

When animals attack Christmas

As we all have been aware of for some months now, it’s the Christmas season. And with Christmas always come those who want to destroy Christmas and turn it into a secular holiday. Then there are our enemies the animals, who every year seem to launch an attack. This year is no exception.

This time, the attack happened in New Jersey, and our foes took it up a notch this year, going after Santa Claus himself. Yes, Father Christmas was at a Petsmart in New Jersey to take pictures with pets–because pet owners have way too much free time. Out of nowhere, a bobcat sprang upon Chris Kringle, going under the pseudonym Jonathan Bebbington.

For almost five minutes, the big cat attacked what is probably our greatest symbol of good will. But, Frère Noel was saved, probably by elves or Santa’s helpers. After some concern about having to get rabies shots, the bobcat’s owner came forward. Also, it wasn’t a bobcat, it was a pixie bob, the smaller, more magical breed of big cat.

This holiday season, remember: Your pet will do whatever it can to mess with your holiday joy.