Eat My Sports: The state of the Skins

I’m pretty sure that the bar I work at has every Redskins patron secretly cursing me under their breath. You see, seven weeks ago the Redskins were a healthy 6-2. Clinton Portis was in early talks for the MVP, Jason Campbell was looking every bit the first round pick he was four years ago, the defense was playing great, they were ahead of Dallas, a postseason bid was a lock! Then came the Campbell jersey.

I’m a man of the people. Everyone knows the Steelers are my team, but I work for the Redskins fans. To protect the names of the innocent, Couple X asked me if I would wear a Redskins jersey while I bar tend during Monday Night Football. Never to be one to turn down a nice offer, I accepted. Then the Monday night of the Steelers-Redskins match-up in Maryland came with a brand new Jason Campbell jersey for me to wear. That my friends was the beginning of the rise of the Steelers and the fall of the Skins. Since that fateful match-up, the Steelers have risen to the top of the AFC by going 5-1 while the Skins have fallen from the ranks of the mighty with a 1-5 record. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The state of the Skins

OK, who’s been slacking?

Listen, animal warriors. When you tell us you’re doing your part to keep all animal life at bay, we believe you. Why? Because we thought we could trust you.

So, do you want to explain why scientists found over 1,000 new and thought-to-be-extinct species stuffed in the Mekong Delta? Did you think we wouldn’t eventually look in there?

It’s not just the deception that hurts, but look what’s been sitting in there this whole time:

  • 11 million-year-old rats
  • Spiders with foot long(!) legspans
  • Hot pink cyanide-producing dragon millipedes
  • Bright green pit vipers
  • Horned bovines

It’s like you’re trying to hide the worst from us.

Fortunately, the people of the Mekong are trying to help clean up your mess.

“There are cultural obstacles to protecting rare species, too. Many restaurants serve them as food. Restaurants often have rickety bamboo floors that one can look through to see cages filled with exotic animals, [Dekila] Chungyalpa [, Director of the World Wildlife Fund’s Mekong Program,] says. The more exotic the animal, the more status it often bestows on the person who consumes it.”

Until you prove that you’re trustworthy, we’re afraid that we cannot give you nice things anymore. Now get back to work. We don’t want to see you until dinner. (It’s Ocelot Helper Night.)

Doing the bump may require waggle

Hammer, don’t hurt the gamers!

M.C. Hammer may just be back! According to his Twitter (only the latest social networking craze as of late — come visit SG’s now), he

“got one day to recover ,then it’s LA to Activision to get a glance of a top secrete project on Monday … Cannot wait !!!”

Which, you know, could be possibly and utterly horrifying if secrete is not a misspelling … which we are desperately hoping. Of course, the same could be said of a video game project involving M.C. Hammer. I mean, I love the absurd and nonsensical lyrics of Can’t Touch This just as much as the next human being, if I see something along the lines of “Bankrupt Rapper Hero” being greenlit, I may go on a murder spree.

IM IN UR BRAIN, REPRODUCING ALL UR IMAGEZ

DOODZ, REJOICE, UR STILL ALIVE!!!!11111

Ummm … errr … anyways. Straight to the story: Japanese scientists have figured out how to reconstruct images inside a person’s mind. The process that they used is actually fairly straightforward: They observed the visual cortex, and as they showed images to the person, they observed the change in brain activity in the cortex with an fMRI machine. Then, they compiled the data from 400 different images and the brain processes, and associated those changes with the images they were shown.

Then again, they showed them totally new cards, spelling out “neuron.” And, sure enough, they were able to generate those images from the brain. Wooooooo-OOOOOOOOOOOO-ooooooo.

They’re still working with a fairly simple size–10 pixels by 10 pixels, and only a base of 400 images. Eventually, they’ll have to up the pixel size and image pool in order to get a more complete idea of what people are actually thinking about. Possibilities include using it to look into the minds of artists and designers, as well as treating people with hallucinations and disorders.

Fairly standard stuff if you’re comfortable with people poking around in your brain, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought. This gets into a lot of possible bad concepts, such as the simple theory of thoughtcrime itself. I mean, finding out what image best represents your mind might be pretty cool, but do we really want to find out what image represents the mind of an average man from a country known for salacious vending machines? Ewww.

So which is the one giving us hope?

According to the Bible, some time after Jesus Christ was born, three kings came to offer stuff that was shiny and smelled nice. Because of this, Christians set up there own nativity scenes (even though Jesus always looks Eastern European) and one of the three wise men figures is always black.

No one is really sure why there is one black king, but that’s how it’s always been. This year in Naples, it’s U.S. President-elect Barack Obama who is bringing the frankincense to the baby Jesus, joined of course by his wife Michelle. This means that Obama not only one the presidency, but somehow he also unseated Anonymous Sub-Saharan King for the gift giving.

See, conspiracy theorists? Obama isn’t a secret Muslim, he’s one of the first Christians!