Day: December 29, 2008

Stupid parents have stupid kids

Some alarmists out there are pointing at a new study to say that purity pledges don’t work for teenagers.

Despite promising — in exchange for cheap, mass-produced silver* rings — to remain virgins until marriage, teens are still having premarital sex.

However, teens that break their pledges are more likely to make up for it by keeping another lesson from their parents close to heart: not to use contraception.

So, if you’re a moron and you have teenage kids, don’t give up. Keep preaching stupid ideas to your kids and some of them will leak through that acne medication of theirs.

*Silver purity rings from Wal-Mart may contain percentages of lead exceeding actual silver content.

Great Wall once again useful

It’s visible from space and it kept the Mongols out for centuries, but now, it’s helping the Chinese face another foe.

A wolf has been found traipsing around a section of the wall that has been frequented by tourists. The Badabing Badaling section is a restored part of the wall and is a magnet for tourists. However, it seems the animals are wise to this.

China has been among the most successful of nations in the War on Animals, eliminating pretty much everything non-human in all of its urbanized areas. But it seems there are still pockets of the enemy that need to be flushed out.

Sun Tzu must have said something about this.

Sorry, GOP

The Guys would like to apologize to the GOP for our recent vacation for Christmas. (Except Schools, who is a practicing Zoroastrian.) We didn’t know that our five days away from the Internet (two of which were our normal weekend) would leave you so desperate for comedy.

Indeed, Chip Saltzman thought he would bring the Republican party some yucks — and boost his own bid for party president —  with a CD collection of lame political song parodies called We Hate the USA.

Good News: The party didn’t wedgie him for the lamest form of political comedy since your mom discovered spam email.

Bad News: The party was forced to issue apologies en masse for the type of joke they normally let Rush Limbaugh tell for them while remaining an “independent.”

The offending song that made Republicans choke on their brandy and cigars? “Barack the Magic Negro,” a sendup of President-elect Obama’s electable qualities to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

So, once again, we apologize, GOP for leaving you high and dry. We can’t promise to not go away on vacation again, but you could just browse our archives.

The McBournie Minute: We need more guns in movie theaters

Welcome back from the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa break. I would like to tell you how much I missed you, but I’m afraid it might bring me to tears.

Speaking of things that make the entire world sad, the New England Patriots were bounced from the playoffs yesterday because the stupid New York Brett Favres couldn’t get points on the board. The Pats are the first NFL 11-5 team to miss the playoffs since 1985. Nevertheless, QB Matt Cassel did an amazing job of stepping in for the martyred Tom Brady. New England will miss him when he signs with Detroit Minnesota Tampa Bay next season.

Moving on, yet another thing that happened during the break, a guy allegedly shot another guy for talking during a movie. Oddly enough, it happened in Philadelphia.

You’re probably expecting me to go on some tirade about how Philly sucks and people shouldn’t have guns. Wrong. I say give people more guns. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We need more guns in movie theaters