President-elect Obama: Bailing out thirsty reporters

We found out during the campaign that the man who now is going to be our next president (how’s THAT for some fun grammar?) is not a bad guy to have at a bar. However, we now know he’s way cooler than we ever expected. Better yet, he knows journalists.

While on vacation in Hawaii, President-elect Barack Obama ran into some journalists at a snack bar while he was golfing. In an effort to shoo them away, he suggested they go to the bar and drink. Then he said he’d buy them a round if they went up to the bar (called the 19th hole on golf courses) and drank.

This shows amazing perception on Obama’s part, because (ethics be damned!) if there’s one thing more tempting to a reporter than alcohol, it’s free alcohol. And if there’s one thing more tempting than free alcohol, it’s a challenge to drink that free alcohol.

Yet, some namby pamby CNN reporter named Ed Henry, had to go and sound like our current teetotaler president.

“And just for the record: your faithful correspondent, while enjoying the wonders of Waikiki beach, never drinks — at least not on the job.”

Henry, you are a disgrace to your profession.

That’s some pig

China is against everything we stand for (except their food). Those commie pinkos are known for being uncooperative diplomatically, they have even been known to hold an alleged Olympiad before. But now they’ve gone to far: they have a favorite animal.

Yes, the thought of any country celebrating an animal so much is simply unheard of, but a single pig was voted by the Chinese as their favorite animal–because that’s about all they’re allowed to vote on.

Zhu Jianqiang, or “Strong Pig” is now famous for surviving the earthquake that hit China in May. The beast survived trapped for 36 days in the rubble. This is a miracle, because, you know, it’s hard to believe a pig rolling around in mud and its own crap for days.

Not surprisingly, the pig, once acting like the lowly farm animal it is, is now behaving like a rock star, getting ill-tempered, fat and lazy.

“It’s gotten fatter and lazier by the day,” [the report] quoted staff as saying. “We used to take it out for a walk every morning and afternoon, but it’s too lazy — and too fat — to do it.”

Hmmmm, ill-tempered? Fat? Lazy? We know just the cure.

Ask Dr. Snee: Contagious cancer can kill you

(Bonus: +4 xp for alliteration)

Sorry about the long sabbatical since my last house call. I’ve been on the road since May, following the Mamma Mia! tour across America.

Before you judge me (lest ye be judged for judging), I only watch Mamma Mia! because of the hot chicks in it, like Christine Baranski.

Also, I’ve found that any movie with an exclamation point in its title is guaranteed to be awesome:

  • Airplane!
  • Top Secret!
  • Yentil!

So, to clarify: unconditional love for anything Abba-related does not make me gay. My man-crush on Pierce Brosnan, however, does.

Anyway, on to your important medical quer — uh, questions.

Dear Dr. Snee,

I’ve heard you claim that cancer is contagious. Who told you that? They should be shot.

Self-righteously,

MoSane (a.k.a. ClippershipPat)

I agree completely: Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Contagious cancer can kill you

We’re angry at Barack Obama

So, Mr. President-elect Barack FancyPants Obama: you announced there would be 20 positions in your cabinet. You’ve disappointed women because you only appointed five of those seats to women, the same number as Bush and Clinton had in their cabinets.

But, more egregiously, you appointed no (0) SeriouslyGuys to your cabinet, which is also the same number as Bush and Clinton had in their cabinets.

It’s not like we aren’t qualified or didn’t apply.

All we hoped (remember that word?) for was to take this country a step forward. Instead, you’ve taken shocking steps backwards. We guess our constituency does not matter to you.

IT’S SUING TIME!

Google Street View, the keen-o application that allows anyone around the world to check out a 360-degree-view of selected city streets, is under attack by a group of angry Japanese lawyers and professors. They’ve asked Google to shape up and ship out (though, mostly ship out) their street-level images, stating it violates privacy rights.

Real life Power Ranger and professor of law at Sophia University, Yasuhiko Tajima states that, “We strongly suspect that what Google has been doing deeply violates a basic right that humans have. It is necessary to warn society that an IT giant is openly violating privacy rights, which are important rights that the citizens have, through this service.”

Thank you Japan for telling me that walking down the street violates basic privacy rights.

Thank you Japan for being so crazy that you’ve got creepy vending machines, but having a random glance of a sunbather is not kosher.

Thank you Japan for deciding that those that walk out of strip clubs have rights too. I mean, they do, but if you’re OK with walking into a strip club, shouldn’t you be just as OK with walking out of one?

Who knows how long Google might exist in the future, or what the outcome of these pictures might be, but this is human history here. They are cataloging the streets of what life was like in 2000; just imagine what it would be like seeing these images 100 years from now, or even a 1000 years from now.

Next stop-the phone book! That horror of evil is next!

The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

Christmas is in the air. Well, that and a strong dose of car exhaust from cars idling in mall parking lots waiting for a space to open up. Yet, for some reason to me it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Sure, I can listen to “Blue Christmas” or watch the timeless holiday classic Bad Santa, but where’s the Christmas cheer? Where are the people smiling to each other and wishing a merry Christmas? More importantly, why am I not rushing around to get my holiday shopping done? It just isn’t Christmas because I’m done with my shopping.

I’ve had my own private little Christmas tradition since I have been a productive member of society. I figure out what everyone on my list wants shortly after Thanksgiving, and then I wait until Dec. 23 to buy anything. For some reason this year I didn’t. I’m sorry, America. I went shopping and last week I got everything done. How can you ever trust me after I ruined Christmas? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Have yourself a merpy little Christmas

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Scrooged’

Ebenezer Scrooge saw no profit in Christmas. How quaint. Scrooge would have a field day today, taking advantage of the many ways to make a buck off the holiday and taking sentimental suckers for everything they’ve got. If Dickens were alive today, he’d probably write an even more potent Christmas Carol in which Scrooge doesn’t ignore Christmas but actively works to subvert it.

Would he have written Scrooge? No. Would he have written The Muppet Christmas Carol? Good lord no, and stab your eyes for even suggesting as such. Truth told, he probably would have written something like Scrooged, an 80s, greed-isn’t-good update of the Dickens classic. The wittiest satire of television since Network, Scrooged gives us Frank Cross, the “youngest president in the history of television,” a man who also happens to be the completely maniacal — and megalomaniacal — head of the IBC TV network. IBC’s holiday programming runs toward action flicks like The Night the Reindeer Died and cheesy variety shows like Bob Goulet’s Old-Fashioned Cajun Christmas. But Frank’s pièce de résistance is Scrooge, a live-from-around-the-world Christmas Eve special, featuring Buddy Hackett as the old skinflint, Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim, and a bevy of scantily clad, oh-so 80s Solid Gold Dancers.

“We’ll own Christmas,” Frank announces gleefully.

But will it own your heart? Hit the cut, true believers, to find out the answer to that question. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Scrooged’

WE DID IT: WE SAVED THE US AUTO INDUSTRY!

Still-president George Bush has granted $17.4 billion to GM and Chrysler. Ford was apparently told to suck it. (The Bushman is a huge fan of Degeneration X.)

To thank us, the taxpayers who funded their bailout, GM and Chrysler executives have announced that we will all receive a brand new 2009 Corvette.

That’s one for all 301,139,247* of us. To be fair, though, only 242,677,887 of us — at most — are eligible to drive it.

*Source: The CIA World Factbook, December 18, 2008.

You Missed It: Break out the champagne edition

Welcome to the final You Missed it of 2008. (Normally abbreviated as YMI, but also known as TMI to iPhone users.) If you are expecting a grand review of 2008: The Year That Was–Numerically Inevitable After 2007, then you will get your wish. Technically, it’s only covering April on, since that is when this feature started, but nevertheless, let’s take a look back on the stories that would have changed your world if you had read this the first time around.

If you were busy getting engaged while still a suspect in your current wife’s disappearance, odds are you missed it.

FLAME ON! And off … and on again
The 2008 Beijing Olympics was one of the most overarching themes of the year. Things got off to a great start when human rights protesters in cities around the world caused the Olympic torch run to be done in secret in some places and extinguished temporarily several dozen times. Then it was the concern over pollution in the city, so China shut down all of its factories in the area for a few months, driving up the prices in just about everything for the summer.

As the games went on, we learned that the Olympic Village is basically a huge orgy, due to the fact that everyone is really fit and exercise raises hormone levels. Michael Phelps swam his way to eight gold medals and other athletes–uh oh, I said the M-P words. I can’t resist, must chant! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Continue reading You Missed It: Break out the champagne edition