You Missed It: So long and thanks for all the kickbacks edition

We have arrived at the end of another week, and also the end of another month. It seems like only yesterday I was recovering from a hangover courtesy of cheap champagne. This weekend promises to be just as entertaining for all of America (or at the very least, the dudes) with the Super Bowl on Sunday. If you were busy contemplating not working on Tuesdays from now on, odds are you missed it.

Blagojevich, hair unhappy with obvious ouster
Never mind that he’s facing federal corruption charges, Illinois Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich was kicked out of office yesterday. Blagojevich became the former governor after making a heart-wrenching speech about how he has not been allowed to tell his side of the story and bring in witnesses who will defend him. State senators responded by unanimously voting him out and banning him from ever holding public office in the state again. Upon replacing Blagojevich, Gov. Pat Quinn pledged to clean up the office of the governor, and make sure the tape recorders were off when solicits or accepts bribes.

Being a Patriots fan, I have no recollection of there ever being a game
Police say they have recovered 27 Super Bowl rings that were made for the New York Giants last year. The rings were reported stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry store in June, the robbery netted an estimated $2 million. The rings have been sent to the Giants since being recovered, and a Boston area couple has been arrested in connection with the robbery. In other news, Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment.

And the dad is heading back to Iraq soon to get some peace and quiet
A mother of six gave birth to octuplets this week. Bringing her total count to 14 children. The mother has not been identified, but it is said she had feritility treatments and they did a little better than she had expected them to do. Here’s a question: if you already have four kids, why are you concerned about fertility?

BREAKING NEWS: Is Jessica Simpson fat?

It’s been a scary new year so far. Between lost jobs, foreign wars, displaced maybe-P.O.W.s, equal pay for women and Presidential action figures with kung fu grip*, we’re fairly positive that we should have aborted the 2009 baby.

But, now it’s worse: Jessica Simpson may have gotten fat. Or she might be dressing like a mother of four. Verdict’s still out.

Either way, things were merely bad before the photo on the left. Now we’re seconds away from killing ourselves to save ourselves from what will most assuredly be the worst year in American history.

We’d like to thank to media for doing their part to tell us this awful, pants-wettingly terrifying news. They’ve demonstrated the brutal honesty you could only expect out of a close friend: a close friend that wants you to drown your children as they will inherit a stinky, mom-jeans-wearing morass we once called the United States.

*Special thanks to Groonk for this link.

Keep breathing easy

A while back, we let you know that it’s OK to eat your Peanut Butter Patties, as they’re safe despite this most recent outbreak of salmonella.

We’d just like to let you know that you can continue breathing easy. Not only are Girl Scout cookies safe, but so are all products of Hershey’s. As a man that likes his Reese’s products, that makes me happy.

And I’m a man that enjoys his Reese’s products.

An alliance in the War on Animals Fish

We may be the superstar bloggers that all six of our readers think we are, but even The Guys get lonely sometimes. And for the most part, it’s lonely out here being the sole source of updates in the War on Animals.

That’s why we’re glad to see Deadspin join us in our quest. Though they profess to be a sports blog, they know an important cause when they see one. That’s why when they connected the dots on a recent rash of fish attacks, they called it out in a single post, declaring, “It’s War, And The Fish Are Winning.”

Yes, it’s a new year, and in some climates it will soon be getting warm enough for our beastly foes to come out of hibernation and go on the attack once more. In recent years, needlefish (guess what they look like) have been impaling humans going to sea in the Caribbean–even stabbing one in the eye socket. While we don’t agree that the fish are winning, it’s never too soon to take the fight to them.

(Courtesy of Deadspin)

MasterChugs Theater: My kung-fu is crazier than yours

Have you been to the movies lately? It’s not too bad out there. I mean, I do despise a world where Paul Blart: Mall Cop out grosses Gran Torino. But then again, that could be because Gran Torino is an absolutely wonderful movie. Paul Blart? Not so much. Nonetheless, a lot of movies these days, while dramatic, lack one fairly crucial bit of storytelling.

Crazy kung-fu-ness.

No, really. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: My kung-fu is crazier than yours

Women singled out for equal pay

President Obama signed his first bill today, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, which will grant equal pay, but only to women. Men, we’re sorry to say, will continue to not receive equal pay despite our gender, proving that

  1. George Orwell was right: some people are created more equally than others.
  2. Obama hates men.

So, with a stroke of at least 12 pens — Wait, what?

“[…] Mr. Obama signed his name to the bill, using one pen for each letter. ‘I’ve been practicing signing my name very slowly,’ Mr. Obama said wryly, looking at a bank of pens before him. He handed the first pen to the bill’s chief sponsor, Senator Barbara Mikulski, Democrat of Maryland, and the last to Ms. Ledbetter”

Presidents sign their names one letter at a time to hand out souvenirs, slowing down the passage of bills? What happens when there’s an emergency anti-asteroid or -zombie bill where every second counts?

That’s why The Guys are marking the first African-American President signing the first equal pay for women bill with this limited edition President Barack H. Obama Presidential Bill-Signin’ Pen:


Coming soon to the SG Store for the low, low, historic price of $20.09.

Brain-eaters have officially hit Austin

You see it in movies, you hear about it here at SG, but it looks like the zombie infestation has hit the U.S., not surprisingly, the scourge has hit Austin, Texas first.

The good news in this madness is that the city government had a plan and launched into action to warn commuters. Construction signs, the ones that usually have construction or traffic information scrolling on them, warned drivers of zombies ahead and advised leaving the area.

In a cover-up most likely perpetrated by the federal government, officials are playing it off as a hoax. They claim the signs were hacked and there was never any zombie threat. Yeah right, we’ll see who’s right right when we’re reloading our shotguns in defense against the zombie mobs.

Nintendo DS: the latest secret terrorist

Rampant PSP fanboyism can totally be seen in households.

A mother in Indiana is currently kicking up a stink after discovering an alleged religious vaguely Islamic secret terrorist gibberish gobbledygook message in the Nintendo DS game Baby Pals. Purchased for her 8-year-old daughter, the game speaks a phrase of gibberish that sounds kind of like “Islam is the light.” CONTROVERSY ENSUES.

This would be hilarious if the woman’s history wasn’t so pathetic patriotic. Rachel Jones discovered the offending utterance first in the Fisher-Price’s Little Mommy Cuddle ‘n Coo doll, then later coincidentally in a copy of Baby Pals she had purchased for her daughter. Meaning that Crave and Nintendo are nothing but secret terrorists. Clearly.

Fun Fact: Baby Pals came out in October 2007, a year before the row about the doll.

“Not just my daughters’ toys, but we have a son too,” Jones told Terre Haute’s WTHI News 10. “Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they’re not saying it.”

Fun Fact: The ability of fake babies to exert absolute influence on real children through nonsensical endorsements of religion is well-known. And it’s science. American science.

No word was given on whether the word “light” used in the phrase was meant as “light” or “Lite”.

Whoop-dee-doo CNN

In an effort not to brag about about their journalism, CNN has posted an article about how a surgeon used a method he read about on their website to remove a brain tumor. Your chest getting any bigger over there big brother? Need us to pound it a litle more for you?

We help office workers make it seem like they’re putting in their 40 hours, and help college kids pass the time from empty beer can to bong rip, but you don’t see us bragging.