Day: January 6, 2009

Eat My Sports: You Missed It

Now that it’s over, 2008 was one of the most memorable years for sports. Given that all sports have memories, and until Armageddon we’ll continue to have years, I guess you could say that for any year really. But 2008 was special. It brought us Roger Clemens and Plaxico Burress shooting themselves in the ass and leg, respectively. It brought us the second full season of Michael Vick-free football while he was in the dog bighouse. It gave us Scott Boras coming out of his shell as Satan. So in case you were busy growing a beard and dodging US troops in Afghanistan, odds are you missed it.

One Giant catch, one Patriot meltdown
In easily the best Super Bowl of all-time, the heavily favored New England Patriots fell to the mighty underdog New York Giants. Down 14-10 in the fourth quarter, Elisha Manning led a touchdown drive that cemented David Tyree in Super Bowl lore, and resulted in Plaxico Burress thinking gun permits were just polite suggestions. The resulting touchdown led to a 17-14 upset, as well as year-long gripefest from Bryan McBournie and Bill Simmons about how the Patriots had only won three Lombardi Trophies this decade. Continue reading Eat My Sports: You Missed It

A used iPhone, you say? How gauche

Hello, sophisticated SeriouslyReaders, who are no doubt reading this ribald Web site on their iPhones (maybe even while — how do the poor people say — squeezing a turd through the ol’ sphincter?)

The Guys appreciate your refined taste in online written vaudeville, your exquisite selection of our site making that appreciation only more accessible, much like your iPhone, which can be accessorized to match any of your smartly tailored active and formal wear.

You see, we, too, use the iPhone. Well, except McBournie, that petty Irish bug. But every publication of note must contain a little color to offset the greater poesies of Masters Chugs, Schools and yours truly, Esq. It is this experience that allows us to discern the class between those who have, and those who haven’t.

In the year or so it has been the must-have accessory for any Fancy Lad about town, it has remained strictly costed outside of a pipe-stovers’ annual wages. Indeed as well, all iPhones have only been sold new, delivered in a ribboned box, hand-folded by the tenderest child laborers.

But no more, oh alas, no more.

Best Buy, a chicannerous carnival of licentious devices and cheap laboring tools, will sell discounted … USED … iPhones to any jack, knave or vagabond who has — no doubt stolen — $150.

Discounted! Used! It is a weary day to be superior.

Oo! A new app for easier pornography downloading …

Sexual frustration > gaming frustration

News bite: A high school student, frustrated, over a recent gaming session at an Internet café in South Korea set light to a warehouse Saturday evening.

The 15-year-old told police that he torched the warehouse, located at the top of a four-story building, because “his computer games did not go well.” The fire did an estimated four million won in damage.

Nice going, kid. It’s good that Korea isn’t letting a nasty stereotype stop them from being socially awkward.

Vikings punter: ‘It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do’

Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe is prepared to take the ultimate step to becoming the greatest World of Warcraft fan ever by possibly becoming “Chris Warcraft.”

Apparently a ginormous WoW fan, he revealed his gaming perspicacity in a chat with the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star-Tribune late last week.

“I think more people like to hear me talk about playing video games than football,” claims Kluwe. “I’ve played video-games since I was 4 years old. I play them a lot more than I kick a football. I kick the ball about 45 minutes a day. I play video games about five or six hours a day. But that’s OK. I don’t watch TV …

“Back when [Bengals receiver] Chad Johnson changed his name to Ocho Cinco, I told the guys at [radio station] 93X that I was going to change my name to Chris ‘World of Warcraft.’ They said that’s too long. So they started calling me Chris ‘Warcraft.’ I could make a lot of money if I changed my name to that.”

Let’s back that up for you all.

“I play them a lot more than I kick a football. I kick the ball about 45 minutes a day. I play video games about five or six hours a day. But that’s OK.”

Once again, WoW players, you make it almost too easy sometimes.

CNN’s Rick Sanchez is high on crack

We never miss a chance to bash CNN. (Why? Because it’s fun and they link to us.) Apparently Twitter user Rick Sanchez, a reporter for CNN, had his account hacked by a phishing site. We still are not sure whether or not it has to do with one of his tweets yesterday.

“i am high on crack right now might not make it into work today”

Clearly the man was on something, he found himself unable to capitalize or even punctuate his tweet. Sanchez, this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs on Twitter. Any questions?

(I am legally obligated here to plug not only SG’s Twitter, but my own as well.)

But Sanchez wasn’t the only victim to this crime. More people who matter fell prey, like President-elect Barack Obama, Vice President-elect Britney Spears, and Fox News. Did you know that O’Reilly is gay? Apparently so. We here at SG are open-minded and applaud the pundit for coming out, particularly in his line of work. In following with his stance on homosexuality, O’Reilly will now check himself in to rehab/electroshock therapy until he is straight.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)