You Missed It: Do not adjust your television set edition
Posted on January 9, 2009
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Hi folks. Welcome to 2009, and brand new year for news you will miss. As you may have noticed if you are reading this on Friday, You Missed It is now being published late Friday afternoons, as opposed to early Friday afternoons. If you hadn’t heard about that change until now, um, well, odds are you missed it.
Digital get-down
Did you know that television is changing over to a digital format next month? You probably did, and you are probably still really confused about it. Don’t worry, Congress and President-elect Barack Obama are trying to get the switch over date pushed back. Why? Because, among other things, the federal coupon program ran out of money a couple months ago. By the way, gang, you only need a digital converter if you get your television by bunny ear antenna–that’s it. If you have cable or satellite, you don’t need to worry. You’re welcome.
Charges of corruption and excessively-voweled last name
Today, the Illinois House of Representatives voted to impeach Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich. Some going to far as to say he had stolen the trust of the people. After the the 114-1 vote with three lawmakers not voting, the measure now heads to the state senate. Why was there one vote against impeachment and three non-votes? Blagojevich promised them all “something really f@$*ing nice. No f%&$ing kidding around.”
The Whopper Virgins will decide
Is the recession getting you down? Did you blow way too much on bar tabs and presents during the holidays? There is a meal in sight for you, for the low, low price of 10 friends. Yes, in this economy, even the value of a friendship can be worth less than something on the dollar menu. For what I assume is a limited time, Burger King will give you a Whopper if you de-friend 10 friends using their new app available on their website whoppersacrifice.com. Just to make things tougher, there’s no way delete the friends and not have it show up in the News Feed, so everyone will know you would rather 1/10 of a Whopper than their friendship. Ouch.
Spider-Man: Does whatever a libruhl can
Posted on January 9, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), What a Reach! | 1 Comment |
Following Sarah Palin’s attack on the media … to the media, other unfortunate GOP mouthpieces are tripping over their shoelaces to cry about unfair tactics.
The latest big nasty libruhl elitist? The Amazing Spider-Man.
Debbie Schlussel attacked the decidedly campy inauguration issue, where Spidey foils a plot by the Chameleon to ruin Obama’s big day, as “[embodying] their far-left ideology.” He almost got away with saving the President, if it wasn’t for “the fist bump!”
Look, folks, let’s get something straight here: they’re absolutely right. (Not just rightist.)
The news media is all written by one person, Al Peterson. (Notice the eerie similarity to Al Qaeda?) Al writes for all news media publications out there. If it doesn’t attack conservatives, then it’s not a news piece … because Al didn’t write it.
The same goes for comic books. All those writing credits and different publications are just a front for one actual comic book writer, and boy oh boy, does he hate Republicans. Sure, every president since FDR has been saved by every comic book superhero, but it’s all in how they do it.
For instance, it’s pretty cool to be saved by Spider-Man and be called a hero. It’s not so cool to be saved by Aquaman, who then asks you for cab fare back to the coast. (You know, because your economic policies failed.)
So, if you’ve been personally insulted today by news you didn’t want to read, chances are you’re a conservative, and yes, we will feel your pain. (Pussy.)
Written by Rick SneeThe Oval Office gets a square console
Posted on January 9, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | 1 Comment |
STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE PRESSES! ZOMG, WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!
In an article in the New York Times in which our soon-to-be President predicts a Florida win over Oklahoma in tonight’s BCS championship game, it is revealed that Barack Obama’s daughters received a shiny new Nintendo console when Santa Claus visited this year. And by Santa Claus, I mean the taxpayers.
“Mr. Obama said he’d have his hands full attempting to rescue the American economy. But he has gotten in a little practice in bowling lately on the Nintendo Wii his daughters received for Christmas. Mr. Obama, who famously struggled in bowling during last year’s Democratic primaries, said he performs better in the video game.”
That’s right people: the soon-to-be-President of the free world is a Nintendo fanboy. Prepare for Reggie Fils-Aime to become Secretary of Meat.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSex is the new pop/punk (so 2005)
Posted on January 9, 2009
Filed Under Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
If the kinky sex you were trying to have is feeling a little dated, or if dressing up like a clown sounds about as good as going out and buying N*SYNC’s greatest hits, it’s because pop-culture sex is so passe. At least that’s what our pals at MSNBC are saying.
Sex, the new Teletubbie hangover.
Written by Bryan SchoolsMars Attacks! our green technology
Posted on January 9, 2009
Filed Under War on Aliens | Leave a Comment |
Citizens of the Earth, we are facing an ever-present danger. We face a two-fold crisis. First, we are running out of oil, one of our main sources of fuel for things like transportation and otter-killing, and second, we face the threat of environmental destruction through (stop reading here if you are a neo-con) global warming.
Scientists are working around the world to find new sources of energy that could solve both problems for us, but it may not be fast enough. And now, we have threats from outer space. Not just from Keanu Reeves, but coming in the form of interstellar vandalism.
In England, hundred of UFOs are being reported, and a wind turbine was unexpectedly damaged in the area where most of the reports originate. Clearly, intelligent beings are coming to this planet to mess with our pinwheels.
Set phasers to kill!
Written by Bryan McBournie