Day: January 15, 2009

MasterChugs Theater: Brett Ratner serves a purpose

I just got the bad news. Blood pressure’s up. Stress is on its way to end it all. Granted, it’s genetic and runs in the family, but still–why now? Is there anything that can be done to help the situation?

Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my. What am I to do?

Well, the doctor recommends a form of catharsis. Think of it as therapy, he says. Maybe you should excise some of that gratuitous stress that’s all built up within, is his advice.

OK. Sure, that can be done.

Dear Brett Ratner,

Just who do you think you are? Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Brett Ratner serves a purpose

Why We Fight: Ant feudalism

Or, ants are godless, sexless aristocratic dirt-mongers

It is a bleak world underground, slaving away for some feminazi despot, when you are an ant. Unless you’re one of the privileged one, born with a silver spoon between your mandibles, your entire life and income has been predetermined by an autocrat.

What we didn’t realize is that this also includes regulating your sex life.

Time reports that no ants are allowed to procreate unless they are the queen under penalty of death. Any ants caught procreating are executed for treason without title or little swap of antiseptic. The remains of God’s creatures, just trying to perform his will, are left in the open as a warning to all other ants.

This is why we fight, animal warriors. We must make the world save for democracy and picnics.

When he comes out of the closet, it’s to put on his outfit

Stan Lee was great during the 60’s and 70’s, as when he was partnered with Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko, he helped co-create Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, Hulk, the X-Men and tons more. Well, follow fast, true believer, as he’s back. That’s right, Stan is creating another super-hero.

And this time, the super-hero is FABULOUS!

Yes, the octogenarian will soon unveil “the world’s first gay superhero”. On television, mind you. Because that’s only where actual stuff happens. The link is worth clicking simply for the awful Photoshop picture.

Unavailable for comment were Midnighter, Apollo, modern Batwoman, current The Question, Northstar, Wiccan, Hulkling, Anole, Karma and Freedom Ring, among others.

The World War II on families

A few weeks ago, the Internet was buzzing about 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell couldn’t get a birthday cake at a grocery store because they refused to write “Happy Birthday Adolf” on it. Adolph was sad.

But here comes sadder news: Like some army invading Poland, the state of New Jersey has taken Adolf and his sisters, Joycelynn Aryan Nation Campbell, 1, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, 8 months, from their parents. Oddly enough, the family is white.

This blog feels for the family torn apart in what we must assume is an otherwise safe and open-minded family atmosphere. Luckily, the two girls are young enough that they will not remember this ordeal. However, Adolf will probably not be so luckly. Not only did he not get his birthday cake, not only has Tom Cruise been trying to kill him, but he gets taken away from his parents for reasons undisclosed to the media.