You Missed It: Has it been eight years already? edition
Posted on January 16, 2009
Filed Under Scurry (Politics), You Missed It | Leave a Comment |
Much of the U.S. is in a cold snap right now, with wind chills dipping across the continent to less than 0 degrees Fahrenheit. This has taken the country completely off guard because it’s winter time, which means temperatures in the 30s followed by days in the 60s. Remember though, global warming is a myth those hippies are selling. Don’t buy it. If you were taking an unexpected dip in the Hudson River this week, odds are you missed it.
No more Bush
President George Bush (who somehow dropped the W. in news references in late 2001) gave his last press briefing this week, one in which he outlined his presidency, and for the first time in the White House (though he has admitted to it many times in press interviews the past few months) that he regrets the “Mission Accomplished” sign. That was one of the big ones. OK, we get that one, but there were a few other biguns in there. If only I could remember two dozen or so.
The application Steve Jobs has unexpectedly quit
Citing health reasons, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said he would temporarily step down from his position. Jobs is credited with growing the company to roughly four or five times the size it was in the first part of the decade. He credits the success to hard work, innovation and an unending ad campaign conditioning the masses to pay exorbitant amounts of cash for something cool. Jobs claims health problems as his reason to step down, but really it’s just that he wants to use a computer that actually closes a program when you “X out” of it.
Did it just get warmer in here?
In FOX’s long, long battle on our eardrums, the latest season of American Idol debuted this week. The opening episodes are usually fun because you can watch the people who really, really suck act like they don’t know it already and are just trying to get themselves on television so they can promote their Web site. But one surprise contestant sang and stripped. Casey Carlson apparently can not only sing a few bars, she can also model bikinis with the best of them. She showed off both talents during his audition. Randy was the only one who cared.
Coke products will not save your life
Posted on January 16, 2009
Filed Under Booze News, It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |
The Coca-Cola Company is facing an FDA warning about Diet Coke Plus and a lawsuit from the Center for Science in the Public Interest (a consumer group) about VitaminWater, both alledging that the company makes false claims about their health benefits.
Diet Coke Plus recieved its warning because it “[violates] U.S. against marketing soda and other snack foods as more nutritious.” In Coke’s defense, it is more nutritious than, say, vitamin-enriched cocaine, which has not been an additive in their taste-test-losing formula since 1903.
VitaminWater, which is not a Web site (contrary to its edgy .com spelling), is under fire because Coke prints little nutritional tidbits on their bottles like, “defense,” “rescue,” “energy,” and “endurance.” CSPI is also upset because the bottles neglect to mention that the sugar-content does not defend or rescue drinkers from obesity and diabetes.
It is this blog’s duty to remind you that only one beverage can actually improve your health, unlike water, which just makes you thirsty for beverages with taste: booze.
Written by Rick SneeOh yeah, there’s other games too
Posted on January 16, 2009
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It’s OK to admit it. You’ve probably had it with the mainstream press. All the time it’s “Waggle bowling this” and “Wiggle bowling strike WOW!” that. And it’s not just regular people-more of ten than not, it’s scenes of octogenarians Wii Bowling every time they want to talk about the successes of the Wii. Apparently so have they.
So the press has moved on to Wii Boxing.
Change is coming, and not just soon in the White House. Bloomberg would like you to know this by first giving you a touching scene of sweaty old men virtually pummeling one another, then moving onto some of the hard numbers:
In San Bernardino County, 350 people aged 58 to 85 have participated in six-week fitness classes at senior centers since July, underscoring how the Wii has expanded the market for Kyoto, Japan-based Nintendo.
U.S. retailers have sold 15.4 million Wii players since the console was introduced in 2006, according to research firm NPD Group Inc.
The 8 million purchased through 11 months of 2008 exceeded the combined total for Microsoft Corp.’s Xbox 360 and Sony Corp.’s PlayStation 3.
That’s a whole lotta Depends. Nonetheless, be careful out there youngsters. Aggressive seniors are on the prowl!
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYikes
Posted on January 16, 2009
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It’s a sports world gone mad! Super Bowl prices on the average have been dropping for this year’s game. However, a Steelers-Eagles Super Bowl would lead to the highest ticket price of all-time.
But for those of you die hards that really want a Cardinals-Ravens game, you could see the lowest prices since the clash of Kurt Warner and Tom Brady back in 2002.
“Warner, Flacco, Whisenhunt and Harbaugh, it’s Super Bowl 43 next!!!”
Written by Bryan SchoolsThe human spirit endures even in tragic conditions
Posted on January 16, 2009
Filed Under War on Animals | 2 Comments |
By now, we’ve all heard about the US Airways plane that crashed in the Hudson River yesterday. Know what caused it? Our enemies the birds. Luckily, everyone aboard survived the incident, which was obviously a coordinated attack aimed at taking innocent American lives.
Bird strikes have been happening with alarming frequency in recent years. In 2007, a Virgin America flight, Air Colbert, named after American hero Stephen Colbert, was forced to make an emergency landing in San Fransisco after a kamikaze bird attack. Think that’s just a coincidence that it happened to hit a symbol of one of our nation’s greatest sources of pride?
Let’s go back to July 26, 2005–the day we returned to space. All systems were go for Space Shuttle Discovery for the first launch since the Columbia disaster. Discovery was only seconds into its launch when a vulture tried to sabotage the mission, hurtling itself at the spacecraft. In both incidents, everyone survived just fine. (Animals attacked another shuttle two years later, but this time it was a spider.)
In times of such brutal attacks, we find hope. We find solace in that the attacks carried out did not take human lives. As a bonus, it means we killed birds.
Written by Bryan McBournie