Day: January 20, 2009

Eat My Sports: The world is ending, might as well drink

Yes, I am still gloating about one of my early season predictions coming true. My Steelers are back in the Super Bowl despite the officials’ best efforts to hand over the AFC Championship to Baltimore. I’m excited beyond reason at the chance to witness another championship, but I’m not going to get ahead of myself, not just yet.

True, the Arizona Cardinals are going to play the “disrespect” card to absolutely no end. And Anquan Boldin will scream at you if you don’t. But with Tampa Bay’s entrance to the World Series this year, coupled with the unlikely Arizona Cardinals playing for the Lombardi Trophy means only one thing: the world is going to end.

Now, I know my plan for the end of the world. I would find my friends and family and tell them I love them, then swiftly introduce them to their new best friend, Jack Daniel’s. So, the world is ending, you at least need to have some fun, right? And not the type of fun that would land you in trouble with the pearly gates and animal activist groups alike. No, you need a Super Bowl drinking game! So follow along kids, and I assure you that by the end of the Super Bowl you’ll acknowledge the apocalypse coming, but you won’t care. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The world is ending, might as well drink

An end to torture?

Well, here we are in the first 24 hours of Barack Obama’s presidency, and what story do we have to present to you? More torture, but this time of American citizens.

In a study to learn how the brain reacts to dieting and food cravings, scientists ordered 23 male and female volunteers, who weren’t even obese, to fast for 17 hours! If you think the food deprivation is the worst part, then put on your outrage galoshes:

“During that period, he and his team interviewed them about their favorite foods and asked them to rank each on a 1-to-10 scale. The researchers then selected one food for each subject, the only requirement being that it scored 7 or above in desirability. When the 17 hours were up, the volunteers were injected with a nuclear tracer, placed in a brain-imaging PET scanner and presented with a food they craved.”

Oh, they’re not done yet:

“‘If you said you liked barbecued ribs, we’d put a big portion of them in front of you,’ says [Dr. Gene-Jack] Wang. ‘We’d warm them in a microwave first so you couldn’t get away from the smell, and we’d give you a cotton ball with a bit of the food on it so you could taste it. Then we’d have one of the nurses describe how the food was made.'”

And did the patients then receive the food? No, they were told to think of something else and were required to keep their eyes open.

So, what did they learn in the name of science? That people have a hard time sticking to diets when tortured with juicy, succulent ribs. Way to let us down, President Obama.

Woman getting hit in the face with taco not nearly as sexy as you might think

There are days when the news is good and there are days when the news is good. I’m hoping that this might fall into the latter for you all.

A young man from Deltona is currently sitting in jail after police say he assaulted his mother with a taco. According to reports, 54-year-old Dena Moir turned her 19-year-old son’s Xbox 360 off, and he threw the Mexican snack in her face, making sure to also call her, and I quote,

“a retard.”

But wait-there’s more.

According to police, the trouble started when young Zachery refused to come downstairs for dinner, despite being called a number of times. In an act of brave discipline, Dena marched upstairs and turned the Xbox off, only for Zachery to shove her angrily and order her out of the room.

A little later, Dena was cleaning the kitchen when her son came down to eat. Deciding she was in the way, Zach pushed his mother again, before smacking her on the arm and throwing the Mexi-missile with vengeance. This is also when he called her, and I quote again,

“a retard.”

Zachery Moir is now being held without bail at Volusia County Branch Jail, on charges of domestic violence battery. As he should be. Not only that, but Mom won’t take jailhouse phone calls from her alleged Xbox taco assailant son.

The moral of the story: if you act like a douchebag, you’ll get what you deserve. Hopefully.

Our strategy is working!

Today is a day of hope, a day of change. Why is that? Because today we would out we’re killing our enemies!

Teams of dedicated warriors have been picking up acorns across the U.S. in an effort to rid our country (eventually, the world) of the squirrel manace. And all over the country, acorn “crops” are down, which means the squirrel population is going to be culled this year, and if we keep up our hard work, they just might end up extinct one day.

But until then, we can certainly look forward to squirrel cannibalism.