Day: January 23, 2009

You Missed It: Hussein is my middle name, too edition

For some of us, it was a shortened week, brought to you by a four day bender a federal holiday, followed by some sort of ceremony a day later. Federal employees only had to work three days this week, so does that mean “your tax dollars not at work?” In any case, if you were busy getting defeated by the underdog Arizona Cardinals this week, odds are you missed it.

Barack n’ roll
On Tuesday, the U.S. inaugurated its 44th president, Barack Obama, who as we are just coming to understand won some sort of election in November. Did anyone hear anything about that? Oh well. Just under 2 million people showed up in our nation’s capital to totally shut down the metropolitan area and celebrate the historic inauguration. One of the most memorable moments for the ceremony was the administering of the oath, where first Obama jumped the gun on repeating after Chief Justice John Roberts, but then Roberts misplaced the “faithfully” in “… that I will faithfully execute the Office of the President of the United States.” Instead, Roberts said “Oh girl, you stand by me. I’m forever yours, faithfully.” (The oath was re-done two days later just to be on the safe side.)

No one uses joysticks anymore
In an indicator of just what this recession means, Microsoft laid off 5,000 workers and announced it had a drop in sales last quarter. Despite its huge operating system, dominating Internet browser and creepy, Big Brother-esque presence, the software giant took a hit. Among the 5,000 laid off was the entire development team for Microsoft’s Flight Simulator line, one of its oldest productions. The company said it was laying off those developers because no one buys that game anyway, and they have stubbornly refused to add guns and missles to the planes.

Me gusta el honky tonk
In a surprise move, voters in Nashville decided they don’t want to make English the official language. The proposal would have meant city government workers would not be able to communicate in any other languages, but would have still let them say “y’all.” It is thought the measure was voted down because of the popularity of the new country song, Mi corazon es en fuego por tu ano.

Platonic relationships between opposite sexes possible?!

In today’s staggering “Holy S–t, Who Would Have Dreamed It!” news, it appears that there are cases of men and women engaged in non-sexual friendships.

Furthermore, these platonic (from the Greek meaning “neutered”) relationships often trigger negative responses from spouses, sometimes ending in divorce.

Of course, the article points out this doesn’t happen in all cases. For instance, Erica Rabhan, “a 26-year-old public-relations professional from Atlanta,” is OK with her husband’s girlish friend, Tamar, so long as she is able to call her and check up on her.

“‘Some of my friends don’t understand, but it makes me happy that he has someone else that supports him and stands by him,’ Rabhan says. ‘Now [Tamar and I] will get on the phone and gab for hours.'”

Remember, folks, you read it here first.*

*We can’t verify that claim.

Remote control robot cop still better than mall security

We are now one step closer toward a robot apocalypse and it’s all thanks to a Japanese robot firm Tmsuk Co. and Alacom Co.

You Japanese panda jerks.

They have developed a robot named T-34 that protects things like businesses from robbers when the establishments are closed. The way this “robo-cop” works is by detecting intruders using movement sensors, and then alerting the robot’s master by cell phone of the intruder’s arrival. The master can then operate the robot in real-time and launch a net that traps the intruder; also it can move as fast as 6 mph, which is way faster than most of our readers some of the guys some people on the internet can run.

According to the firms,

“We have basically designed the robot for corporate use and we expect private security companies to buy them instead of using human guards, but there will also be those tailored for use in homes,”

These firms almost certainly spent a lot of money developing the T-34, with its cell phone remote, sensors, and (relatively) quick speeds. But seriously, using a net to apprehend someone? That’s just plain ridiculous! How hard can it be to escape from a net?

  1. The robot isn’t Spider-Man.
  2. The net isn’t sticky or anything.
  3. We’re not fish, Japan.

Though just its ability to inform the authorities and confirm a break-in is good enough for most applications. I’m just saying, is all. Still, in order to save face against our future robot overlords, I will singlehandedly show them where plenty of ugly flesh-humans locate. The first ones being probably Japan, you know, for the whole “creation of the robot apocalypse” thing. Hey, it’s my life over yours.

Snap back to reality

In our continuing coverage of how all of hell’s minions are taking over the earth and the world will come to an end, Michael Irvin has landed a reality TV show. That’s right, the man who choreographed orgies, sliced a fellow player’s neck with a pair of scissors, got caught with blow and hookers in a hotel room, is getting his own show.

Irvin will be the host of a show that has twelve players fighting for a spot on the Dallas Cowboys’ practice squad next spring. No word yet on whether the 40-yard cocaine snort will be an episode.

Important consumer tip

Watch out, consumers! No matter how tempting it is, no matter what promises they may make, no matter how wonderful it sounds, DO NOT buy the magic cheese.

A French man is being accused of selling kits to make “magic cheese.” French officials have been dispatched to Chile to investigate the customers claims and to determine if it is indeed a pyramid scheme. Authorities claim Gilberte Van Erpe sold magic cheese to customers in Chile as an ingredient for French beauty products.

Also, if you eat it, it gives you the ability to fly, walk through the Great Wall of China, and make the Statue of Liberty disappear.