MasterChugs Theater: My kung-fu is crazier than yours
Posted on January 29, 2009
Filed Under MasterChugs Theater | 2 Comments |
Have you been to the movies lately? It’s not too bad out there. I mean, I do despise a world where Paul Blart: Mall Cop out grosses Gran Torino. But then again, that could be because Gran Torino is an absolutely wonderful movie. Paul Blart? Not so much. Nonetheless, a lot of movies these days, while dramatic, lack one fairly crucial bit of storytelling.
Crazy kung-fu-ness.
No, really. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWomen singled out for equal pay
Posted on January 29, 2009
Filed Under Fun Fact, WE DID IT! | 2 Comments |
President Obama signed his first bill today, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, which will grant equal pay, but only to women. Men, we’re sorry to say, will continue to not receive equal pay despite our gender, proving that
- George Orwell was right: some people are created more equally than others.
- Obama hates men.
So, with a stroke of at least 12 pens — Wait, what?
“[...] Mr. Obama signed his name to the bill, using one pen for each letter. ‘I’ve been practicing signing my name very slowly,’ Mr. Obama said wryly, looking at a bank of pens before him. He handed the first pen to the bill’s chief sponsor, Senator Barbara Mikulski, Democrat of Maryland, and the last to Ms. Ledbetter”
Presidents sign their names one letter at a time to hand out souvenirs, slowing down the passage of bills? What happens when there’s an emergency anti-asteroid or -zombie bill where every second counts?
That’s why The Guys are marking the first African-American President signing the first equal pay for women bill with this limited edition President Barack H. Obama Presidential Bill-Signin’ Pen:
Coming soon to the SG Store for the low, low, historic price of $20.09.
Brain-eaters have officially hit Austin
Posted on January 29, 2009
Filed Under Zombies | 1 Comment |
You see it in movies, you hear about it here at SG, but it looks like the zombie infestation has hit the U.S., not surprisingly, the scourge has hit Austin, Texas first.
The good news in this madness is that the city government had a plan and launched into action to warn commuters. Construction signs, the ones that usually have construction or traffic information scrolling on them, warned drivers of zombies ahead and advised leaving the area.
In a cover-up most likely perpetrated by the federal government, officials are playing it off as a hoax. They claim the signs were hacked and there was never any zombie threat. Yeah right, we’ll see who’s right right when we’re reloading our shotguns in defense against the zombie mobs.
Written by Bryan McBournieNintendo DS: the latest secret terrorist
Posted on January 29, 2009
Filed Under Fun Fact, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
Rampant PSP fanboyism can totally be seen in households.
A mother in Indiana is currently kicking up a stink after discovering an alleged religious vaguely Islamic secret terrorist gibberish gobbledygook message in the Nintendo DS game Baby Pals. Purchased for her 8-year-old daughter, the game speaks a phrase of gibberish that sounds kind of like “Islam is the light.” CONTROVERSY ENSUES.
This would be hilarious if the woman’s history wasn’t so pathetic patriotic. Rachel Jones discovered the offending utterance first in the Fisher-Price’s Little Mommy Cuddle ‘n Coo doll, then later coincidentally in a copy of Baby Pals she had purchased for her daughter. Meaning that Crave and Nintendo are nothing but secret terrorists. Clearly.
Fun Fact: Baby Pals came out in October 2007, a year before the row about the doll.
“Not just my daughters’ toys, but we have a son too,” Jones told Terre Haute’s WTHI News 10. “Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they’re not saying it.”
Fun Fact: The ability of fake babies to exert absolute influence on real children through nonsensical endorsements of religion is well-known. And it’s science. American science.
No word was given on whether the word “light” used in the phrase was meant as “light” or “Lite”.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWhoop-dee-doo CNN
Posted on January 29, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
In an effort not to brag about about their journalism, CNN has posted an article about how a surgeon used a method he read about on their website to remove a brain tumor. Your chest getting any bigger over there big brother? Need us to pound it a litle more for you?
We help office workers make it seem like they’re putting in their 40 hours, and help college kids pass the time from empty beer can to bong rip, but you don’t see us bragging.
Written by Bryan SchoolsYour government keeping you safe
Posted on January 29, 2009
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
It can be said that the U.S. Department of Agriculture is one of our best allies in the War on Animals. No other federal agency promotes the slavery and wholesale slaughter of animals. (The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is really all about protecting the animals.)
So when dead birds were turning up in Franklin Township, New Jersey, it came as no surprise to us that the good ol’ Department of Ag was behind it. Hundreds of dead birds, English starlings, to be exact, dropped dead all over the town, making the sidewalks and streets squishier than ever. In all, 3,000 to 5,000 birds are expected to be whacked via pesticide. The only problem is, no one told the locals about the birds falling from the sky.
The feds are saying the starling is invading the barn homes of native bird species. But then again, are barns a natural habitat? Burn the barns and kill all the species at once.
Written by Bryan McBournie