You Missed It: So long and thanks for all the kickbacks edition
Posted on January 30, 2009
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We have arrived at the end of another week, and also the end of another month. It seems like only yesterday I was recovering from a hangover courtesy of cheap champagne. This weekend promises to be just as entertaining for all of America (or at the very least, the dudes) with the Super Bowl on Sunday. If you were busy contemplating not working on Tuesdays from now on, odds are you missed it.
Blagojevich, hair unhappy with obvious ouster
Never mind that he’s facing federal corruption charges, Illinois Gov. Rod “The Bod” Blagojevich was kicked out of office yesterday. Blagojevich became the former governor after making a heart-wrenching speech about how he has not been allowed to tell his side of the story and bring in witnesses who will defend him. State senators responded by unanimously voting him out and banning him from ever holding public office in the state again. Upon replacing Blagojevich, Gov. Pat Quinn pledged to clean up the office of the governor, and make sure the tape recorders were off when solicits or accepts bribes.
Being a Patriots fan, I have no recollection of there ever being a game
Police say they have recovered 27 Super Bowl rings that were made for the New York Giants last year. The rings were reported stolen from a Massachusetts jewelry store in June, the robbery netted an estimated $2 million. The rings have been sent to the Giants since being recovered, and a Boston area couple has been arrested in connection with the robbery. In other news, Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment.
And the dad is heading back to Iraq soon to get some peace and quiet
A mother of six gave birth to octuplets this week. Bringing her total count to 14 children. The mother has not been identified, but it is said she had feritility treatments and they did a little better than she had expected them to do. Here’s a question: if you already have four kids, why are you concerned about fertility?
BREAKING NEWS: Is Jessica Simpson fat?
Posted on January 30, 2009
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It’s been a scary new year so far. Between lost jobs, foreign wars, displaced maybe-P.O.W.s, equal pay for women and Presidential action figures with kung fu grip*, we’re fairly positive that we should have aborted the 2009 baby.
But, now it’s worse: Jessica Simpson may have gotten fat. Or she might be dressing like a mother of four. Verdict’s still out.
Either way, things were merely bad before the photo on the left. Now we’re seconds away from killing ourselves to save ourselves from what will most assuredly be the worst year in American history.
We’d like to thank to media for doing their part to tell us this awful, pants-wettingly terrifying news. They’ve demonstrated the brutal honesty you could only expect out of a close friend: a close friend that wants you to drown your children as they will inherit a stinky, mom-jeans-wearing morass we once called the United States.
*Special thanks to Groonk for this link.
Written by Rick SneeKeep breathing easy
Posted on January 30, 2009
Filed Under Headline of the Day | 3 Comments |
A while back, we let you know that it’s OK to eat your Peanut Butter Patties, as they’re safe despite this most recent outbreak of salmonella.
We’d just like to let you know that you can continue breathing easy. Not only are Girl Scout cookies safe, but so are all products of Hershey’s. As a man that likes his Reese’s products, that makes me happy.
And I’m a man that enjoys his Reese’s products.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorChildren under four shouldn’t smoke … er, drink
Posted on January 30, 2009
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Our mates across the pond are having a serious crackdown on booze as British officials are warning parents not to let their children even touch alcohol … until the age of 15.
Their research showed that over 300,000 young British whipper snappers were getting drunk every week. Thus leading to a surplus of fish and chips munchies.
Written by Bryan SchoolsAn alliance in the War on Animals Fish
Posted on January 30, 2009
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We may be the superstar bloggers that all six of our readers think we are, but even The Guys get lonely sometimes. And for the most part, it’s lonely out here being the sole source of updates in the War on Animals.
That’s why we’re glad to see Deadspin join us in our quest. Though they profess to be a sports blog, they know an important cause when they see one. That’s why when they connected the dots on a recent rash of fish attacks, they called it out in a single post, declaring, “It’s War, And The Fish Are Winning.”
Yes, it’s a new year, and in some climates it will soon be getting warm enough for our beastly foes to come out of hibernation and go on the attack once more. In recent years, needlefish (guess what they look like) have been impaling humans going to sea in the Caribbean–even stabbing one in the eye socket. While we don’t agree that the fish are winning, it’s never too soon to take the fight to them.
(Courtesy of Deadspin)
Written by Bryan McBournie