Month: January 2009

Your government keeping you safe

It can be said that the U.S. Department of Agriculture is one of our best allies in the War on Animals. No other federal agency promotes the slavery and wholesale slaughter of animals. (The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is really all about protecting the animals.)

So when dead birds were turning up in Franklin Township, New Jersey, it came as no surprise to us that the good ol’ Department of Ag was behind it. Hundreds of dead birds, English starlings, to be exact, dropped dead all over the town, making the sidewalks and streets squishier than ever. In all, 3,000 to 5,000 birds are expected to be whacked via pesticide. The only problem is, no one told the locals about the birds falling from the sky.

The feds are saying the starling is invading the barn homes of native bird species. But then again, are barns a natural habitat? Burn the barns and kill all the species at once.

Take it from Snee: In which our hero watches ‘chick flicks’

So, last week I mentioned that married men are forced to watch chick flicks. Of course, the more whipped boyfriends out there have probably done the same, which is why they’ll always be groomsmen: gentlemen, you don’t give the back rubs away for free. (Whores.)

Now, I could just whine about these films, but that’s not the kind of content you expect in this column. Instead, I will share my insights with you you for surviving these films, achieving relationship leverage and using said leverage to do all those things you’ve only seen in cave paintings.

Think of me as a former Forest Recon who escaped from a POW camp and survived for six years in the jungle by eating his former NVA captors. Now I’m going to teach you ballet. Chainsaw ballet. Continue reading Take it from Snee: In which our hero watches ‘chick flicks’

Parades: no occasion for mirth

John Coleman, the (now former) drum major of the Cleveland Firefighters Memorial Pipe & Drums, resigned from the marching band.

Coleman had been suspended for six months for nodding and waving to President Barack Obama during the inauguration parade. He says that the President made eye contact, smiled and waved first, prompting him to nod politely and slightly wave back.

The band’s leader, Ken Rybka, described Coleman’s resignation over creative differences (in this case, what military decorum means) as “a shock and surprise.” However, the band plans to keep their name and continue to rock the greater Cleveland area with Soussa and the occassional John Williams march.

Coleman has neither confirmed nor denied his upcoming solo album, The John Coleman Saxperiment.

Spam the latest monster from Square Enix, worse than Ruby Weapon

A man in Japan with no connection to Square Enix (creators of the famous Final Fantasy RPG series) or Final Fantasy XI (he’s supposedly never played it before) was being heavily spammed with FFXI re-registration emails. This individual got annoyed and took legal action.

CHUNG-CHUNG!

It seems that his email address was being used by item dealers to create PlayOnline accounts for Final Fantasy XI. His address was attached to money making accounts that were expected to be banned instantly, and his inbox was seeing the aftermath.

The gentleman then contacted Square Enix to complain and ask for the company to cease contacting him regarding FFXI. Square Enix, however, refused, claiming that it was impossible to stop sending these emails to just his email address. Instead of just giving up and simply using a spam filter, he took Square Enix to court.

CHUNG-CHUNG!

In early 2007, he filed a lawsuit in small claims court — and lost. He didn’t stop there, but appealed to a district court and won. Square Enix appealed to Japan’s High Court, but the company’s appeal was denied on Jan. 26. The plaintiff, who represented himself without formal legal consul, will be awarded ¥50,000 (US$559). That’s still more money than your spam filter’s ever made you.

It’s unknown if the upcoming Final Fantasy XIII will showcase the new “SpamBlade” weapon.

Gorilla warfare

With all the war and genocide going on in Africa, there’s one slaughter that should be happening but just isn’t. That is the genocide of the mountain gorillas in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Through all the battling going on between the government and the rebel forces, the population of the mountain gorillas has increased in Congo. This is most likely because the citizens of Congo (Congoese?) have been too busy killing each other and not killing the real, ever-present animal enemy in its largest controlled territory in the world.

It can be said that animals rule Sub-Saharan Africa, which for the most part is jungle and wilderness surrounded by human infighting. Don’t you see that’s what they want you to do? Quit fighting your brothers for the throne and go after the beasts who lay seige to your kingdom.

Eat My Sports: I’m super, thanks for asking

So it has come to this. The Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game for the title, or as we like to say, for all the marbles. Last year, I predicted a 28-27 upset of the Patriots by Elisha Manning and his Giants. I also detailed how the game would play out, and also what it would be like to have The Guys together watching the game.

Well, dedicated readership, you’re getting half of what you’ve been wishing for since my Super Bowl column last year! Bryan McBournie and I will be watching the game and trying not to kill each other this very Sunday. How will both games play out … I wonder …. Continue reading Eat My Sports: I’m super, thanks for asking

Your parents don’t love you

***SPOILER ALERT!***

This week’s issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, scientists will reveal a study with which they determine your jeans do influence your popularity.

There’s no word, yet, as to which brands improve social standing, but this blog wears only Old Navy brand blue jeans. (Get Up & Go … to your local Old Navy store for great deals on fashionable clothes for the whole family!) We’re pretty sure scientists will corroborate our own research that skinny jeans are merely a passing fad, while boot cut relaxed fits will get you laid every time.

So, if you’re positive your parents refuse to buy you designer jeans because they’re jealous of your hair and secretly hate you: you’re absolutely right … and probably adopted.

Pip-pip, cheeri-oh CRAP!

Me: So, it seems that Britain could have been an Iceland before Iceland.

Everyone reading at home: WHUH?

Yeah, so, yesterday, Iceland’s government kind of went kaputski due to major economic issues. Posers. It now seems that the entire United Kingdom’s banking system was simply 180 minutes away from imploding. As in, three quarters of a football game.

Real football, everyone else of the world. None of that soccer nonsense.

Anyways, it would seems that people dropping tons of money into the banks earlier were also attempting to pull that money out, come hell or high water. Since this nearly collapsed the British banking system, think of this in large, massive scale amounts of money being taken away all at once.

So, what could this have meant for the rest of the world?

In three hours, we almost saw Atonement turned into Oliver Twist.