Month: February 2009

You Missed It: Just stopping by to say hello edition

Some believe in Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), the medical theory that if one does not get enough sunlight, particularly for long periods of time like in the winter, you get depressed and/or irritable. Here we are at the end of February and you know what? I say screw you, SAD, I don’t believe in you! If you were busy winning an Academy Award this week, odds are you missed it.

And the Dow responded with a huge drop
On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama, addressed a joint meeting of Congress. It wasn’t a State of the Union address, the new president just hates Scrubs and everyone who watches it. In any case, during his speech, Obama laid out his plan for economic recovery, which includes not raising taxes for the vast majority of the country, and increased federal funding for projects. Also announced: federally mandated casual Fridays in offices across the U.S.

Brady earns another ring
New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady got married this week. (Sorry, Schools!) Brady and Brazilian model Gisele Bunchen were married in a small ceremony in California. Bunchen’s dogs were present for the ceremony, however, Brady’s kid was not. According to reports, Brady, seeing no passing lanes, sprinted down the aisle and slid before contact could be made.

It’s like Nick is coming right at me!
Have you been eagerly anticipating the Jonas Brothers’ movie? I know Chugs has. Jonas Brothers: 3D Concert Experience is now out in theaters today. According to reviews, it’s, well, the Jonas Brothers, in concert, and in 3D. So yeah, Disney did a good job naming this one. However, there is one big hole, you can get a 3D Jonas Brothers concert experience by going to one of their concerts.

UPDATE: Holocaust denier denied for denying to undeny

Bishop Richard Williamson, who was the topic of a Take it from Snee on February 11, was denied getting his parish back by the Pope. This announcement from the Vatican comes after a half-hearted online apology by Williamson, saying he was sorry his comments, which denied the scale of the Holocaust, caused “distress.”

So, while now-normal-person Williamson has a shot at heaven again (with really long odds), he has lost his job because he was unable to reconcile half of the History Channel’s stock footage with some crackpot theory he heard in the 1980s.

And, really, in this economy? That’s punishment.

Let this be a lesson to us all: sometimes, you’re an idiot and better off admitting it.

Invisible light beams are the deadliest beams of all

A man, looking to collect on a debt, broke into the house of 60-year-old woman in Brazil’s Federal District, holding her hostage for ten hours on the business end of a Sega Light Phaser.

Let’s repeat that: a man, looking to collect on a debt, broke into the house of 60-year-old woman in Brazil’s Federal District, holding her hostage for ten hours on the business end of a Sega Light Phaser.

Not the Sega Genesis Menacer, which — when fully combined — looks vaguely like a Nerf gun meets bazooka, but the Sega Master System’s Light Phaser. A 22 year old plastic gun that looked like a weapon out of Laser Challenge. You want to know what the business end of a Light Phaser is? Air.

Luckily, the man let his hostage go, unharmed, after negotiating with police (and displaying a pair of deadly but totally lame for carving a chicken knives). Of course, this was only after he beat the high score.

FYI, you might have to use Google Translator to read the page.

Lazy Facebook developers let users write service agreement

If you’re tired of deleting Facebook notices about the latest “Crotchpunch War” from your inbox, then get ready for more spam … from the administrators.

In response to whiny users worried about not owning their Sex in the City quiz results, Facebook has caved, posting all service agreement changes on their site. This will most likely be at the top of your news feed every time Mark Zuckerberg’s lawyer finds more ways to bleed an aging Web site dry.

If the proposed change receives 7,000 comments (“protest” groups don’t count), then the measure will be put to a vote. 30 percent of all users (or about 53 million people) must vote to affect the change. The AP story does not mention what happens in the event of a tie, but we’d like to think it involves counting friends.

So, if that’s the way it’s gonna be now — since Facebook admins are too scared to run their own site — The Guys have a few new service agreement terms we’d like to see:

  1. Please allow breastfeeding pictures. Motherhood is so hot.
  2. Allow us to carry our concealed weapons while using Facebook. The Internet’s a scary place, is all.
  3. If a werewolf user bites a vampire user, we want that user to die. The real vampire vs. werewolf war should be depicted seriously, for it is a serious subject. If bitten, no more profile; they’re dead to Facebook. They can go to MySpace for all we care. And no, they can’t come back as a zombie. Them’s the occult rules.

Dropping a deuce may cost you more than a few pennies

We here at SG find bowel movements hillarious. Even the sounds that accompany them make for the best comedy. We also believe in your right to release those movements at any given time.

We all know that everybody poops, but according to Ryanair, everybody may no longer be pooping for free. The British airliner may start charging people who use the latrine for more than the mile-high club. So now when you come out and say you lost a few pounds, you may actually mean it.

The World War II on Animals

World War II is easily the coolest war ever. Because we were fighting against absolute evil, there is none of that revisionist history that makes us look like we did anything wrong. (Take that, interment camps!) Not only did we defeat the Nazis and the Japanese while setting the stage for 50 years of the Cold War, but our brave boys helped out the later generations, too.

Unexploded bombs lie on the ocean floor, scatted across the world, threatening marine life constantly. U.S. Navy training sites have left the sunken munitions ready to go off, or at least leak some poisons into the water. And what’s more, since World War II was the last real naval war, sunken ships do the same thing!

Tom Brokaw was right. They really are the Greatest Generation.

MasterChugs Theater: Go nina, go ninja go

I’ve spent most of this past weekend watching movies. Lots of movies. Special movies. Grainy movies.

Neeeeenja movies. Hey, I was bored and low on money-it happens. Sometimes the movies were terrible, so bad in fact that you had to laugh. But sometimes that was what made them so good. The crazier the ninja stunts were, the more you wanted to see what else the ninja could do. For example, Ninja III – The Domination has the ninja at the beginning take hundreds of bullets and still live long enough to pass on his ninja soul. Unfortunately, the majority of the movies were just bad. Not the entire former category, but just bad.

It’s not that easy to create a ninja movie. The Ninja Labor Unions are not easy to work with. There are certain rules for film and ninjas. Those that don’t follow them are subject to seppuku. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: Go nina, go ninja go

Hateful people would love you

Good news, everybody! If you always wanted to join a hate group, you won’t be alone!

There’s nothing worse then joining a race supremacist group, only to show up to your first meeting and be disappointed. There’s three people there, they’re kind of weird-smelling (though white) and nobody else brought their pot-luck items. What a waste of potato salad!

Fortunately, joining hate groups is now the cool thing to do, and –thanks to the Internet — easier and more fun than ever!

  • White nationalists
  • Neo-Confederates
  • Neo-Nazis
  • Skinheads
  • Klansmen
  • Even black separatists

… are all reporting larger numbers, thanks to a scary-looking president and complicated economic situation, and are ready to meet you and only one mouse-click away!

Well …? What’re you waiting around here for?!

‘We have a big problem’

Nearly five months ago to this day, former President George Bush said those exact words in regards to a need for the $700 billion bailout package.

George Bush was a soothsayer. Nay, an oracle of wisdom.

Clearly, we never truly understood what he said. Sure, he didn’t make a lot of sense at times, what with his talks regarding fish, families and the sea, but we should have paid more attention to him. Everything he said regarding those items? He was simply portending the future.

The enemy has arrived, and it is large. And poisonous.

A monstrous freshwater stingray weighing in at 772 pounds was recently caught in Thailand. Ian Welch, a courageous angler from Britain was simply minding his own business, attempting to tag the stingrays (probably to help our war efforts, no doubt), when the gigantic fish attempted to kill the man. The horror!

Through the valiant efforts of Welch and twelve other men, the beast was caught. Unfortunately, the terror doesn’t end there. Research put the creature at being only a year and a half old. That’s right: it could get bigger.

What’s even scarier is that it’s back on the loose again! For some rhyme or reason, the monster was released back into the river. The stingray’s probably got some sort of nefarious mind-controlling powers, I’d say.

So really, what’s our one true problem? We’re gonna need some really big slices of bread.

Colorado state senator reads SeriouslyGuys!

Republican state Senator Dave Schultheis does not believe that the state of Colorado should require hospitals to test pregnant women for HIV.

Is it because this could be considered some sort of invasion of privacy? No, because the screening is consensual.

Maybe it’s because pregnant women are homos? Not in the good Senator’s world!

How about because the needles used to administer the test could help spread HIV? No, that’ s a little far-fetched.

Or is it because detecting HIV would lead to treatment, giving the benefit of medical care to some unclean whore who caught AIDS? From our pages to Senator Dave’s stupid mouth!