Eat My Sports: Good night and good luck

The past two weeks have been a complete whirlwind of emotions and smack talking. I got the same lines from nearly everyone in the two week-long anticipation of the Super Bowl, “Bryan, the Steelers are going to lose, but good luck anyways.” As if I had some type of way of determining the outcome of the 43rd installment of the biggest football game of the year. And I’m not even going to go on some sort of self-righteous rant and pretend that I did, that’s absurd. Anyone who thinks that what they’re screaming at the television or wearing beneath their jeans has any sort of relevance to a final score is just plain moronic. However, if you believe that any of that shows and further increases your dedication to your chosen squad, well then I have no argument. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Good night and good luck

Reefer madness destroys Olympic Gold Medalist

The “squares” in Washington and the clergy have been trying to warn you youngsters, but clearly you haven’t paid attention: marijuana is a dangerous, dangerous drug and nobody is immune to its ill effects.

Even the greatest young people aren’t immune to its devil charms. Michael Phelps, the gazillion-time Olympic Gold Medalist, may face pot charges after a photo of him smoking a marijuana pipe reached the Internet.

The American hero was minding his own business, making a publicity/inspirational appearance at the University of South Carolina. He found himself at a party, enjoying records and talking to nice girls.

All of a sudden, in walks Steve, an English major, who offers everyone a “party favor” from his “magic party vase.” Steve’s a nice guy and really into art and clothes; who would suspect that he was on a suicide terrorist mission to destroy the lives of all his friends and Michael Phelps?

(We would. Also, Steve’s clearly gay.)

Marijuana works against the body like so:

  1. The smoke is inhaled into the lungs, where it is sent with oxygen to the brain.
  2. THC, a chemical in the smoke, makes the brain go wonky and creates the world’s most longest, most annoying jam music.
  3. Adults find out you’ve been smoking marijuana and get angry.
  4. You go to jail for contributing to the estates of the surviving Grateful Dead.

So, for the love of God and America, don’t get caught smoking marijuana. The parents will never shut up about it.

Babies are depressing

As Congressional Democrats are trying to prove to the country, babies lead to depression, hence their provisions in the stimulus package for birth control education.

While most Republicans are scoffing at this notion, science has backed the Dems claim: the release of a placenta-produced corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH) does, in fact, lead to post-partem depression.

Furthermore, once the baby is outside of the uterus, the depression becomes airborne, infecting other family members besides mom. The feces cause nausea, older brothers and/or sisters are no longer loved and Dad’s too frightened to ask for an HJ.

Every member of the family becomes a carrier of the baby and its depression, disrupting the bastions of American commerce:

  • Movies
  • Shopping Malls
  • Hospital Waiting Rooms (Pharmaceuticals)
  • Strip Clubs

Eventually, the entire economy grinds to a halt, all because of baby.

Good idea, bad idea: science

Good Idea:

Creating rice that will live both 41 days and 41 nights. Even God might not be able to knock out a new precision bred strain of rice that is highly flood resistant. Feast, and be merry!

Bad Idea:

Creating robots that will end us all. AGAIN. Mad scientists, keep in mind that people don’t want things smaller. No, if anything that this Escalade/Expedition/Navigator/H2 generation has told us, it’s that people want things bigger. Don’t give into their wishes and make larger carnivorous robots. Ones the size of tables are bad enough.

Great, the in-laws again

It’s no secret that when it comes to weddings, women get a little crazy. (Just ask our own Rick Snee. Two words: Bride Zilla.) There’s just something about weddings that makes women jealous of each other. Feelings can often be hurt after the slightest slight.

So, for those of you planning on putting on the ring that instantly makes you less interesting, remember to invite your sister. Police say one Indiana bride did not invite her sister to her wedding reception, so she crashed the reception and fought the bride. She even pulled out clumps of her hair, according to witnesses, but the sister flatly denied touching her sibling.

That’s all well and good, but was it open bar?