Day: February 5, 2009

Give a s#*t, save a tit

In a shocking revelation, two-thirds of all Latina women in the United States discover their breast cancer through self-examinations.

We, here at SeriouslyGuys, are ashamed, apalled and awildered. (This dismay is well above and beyond standard bewilderment.)

Won’t somebody help these women perform their breast exams? And so close to Valentine’s, too. No wonder they’re staying home for Encore’s Ladies Only movie night.

On a completely unrelated note: if you’re offended by these jokes about cancer, then you’re letting cancer win. Is that what you want?

As if you had a better plan?

There are some days when you can make up plenty of stuff. The entire Bush administration. The last three years or so of when Enron still existed. The McCarthy Hearings. The O.J. Simpson murder trial.

And then there are some days when you can’t make something up, but it still makes you think that it’s made up. Like, when you see a headline that states “7-11s were robbed by a man holding a Star Trek sword”, you know that’ll be your headline of the day, no question.

Booze and stripclubs = peanut butter meets jelly

Some things in life just go together. For instance, who would want a peanut butter cup without chocolate? Or who would order steak and eggs and just want one of them?

Well, if you’re following my logic then you are also wondering why in the world DuPage County, Illinois would even remotely consider banning booze from their strip clubs. We here at SG support both endeavours involved in this equation. After all, we supply you with the latest booze news, and we also make our money one dollar at a time.

Why did it have to be snakes?

There are some pretty gigantic snakes in the world (that’s what she said) but some are bigger than others. (Yeah, we know.) In fact, the biggest of all lived in Colombia only a few hundred million years ago.

Scientists have found fossils of a snake that was about 45 feet long and weighed in at around 2,500 pounds. Let’s just say it could probably eat your car, your neighbor’s car, and you as a dessert. Those species traitors over at the Discovery Channel (motto: Watch This Blow Up in Slow Motion!) would have us believe that the snake is extinct, but we’re smart enough to know better than to assume something so foolish. After all, a bunch of frogs were found in Colombia earlier this week. Maybe the snake has been seen by humans, only those humans never lived to tell the tale.