Day: February 6, 2009

You Missed It: The vomitting means it’s working edition

At the climax of another week, but really, what is there to look forward to? Football season is over, there’s another week until Valentine’s Day. Right now it’s just cold and boring. I know, we can celebrate Ronald Reagan’s birthday! Another week saved. If you were busy eeking by a team you should have blown out in the Super Bowl, odds are you missed it.

Food kits should come with antibiotics
The panic of the salmonella infected peanut butter may be over at this point for most, but not for the federal government. Food kits from FEMA were discovered this week to contain peanut butter that could be contaminated, which means people in need could end up sickening themselves. But don’t worry, aid still has not made it to New Orleans, so there is plenty of time for the kits to be recalled.

Where you lat?
This week, Google released a new friend-tracking program called Google Latitude. The program allows smartphone and PC users to let their friends know where they are and track where their friends are. Because, you know, it’s so much easier than to actually talk to someone now and then. No word yet as to when people will be able to track both the latitude and longitude of their friends, family members and exes.

Where is Peter Sellers buried? I feel like dancing
It’s every comic’s nightmare–waking up one day and realizing no one thinks you’re funny anymore. To the list of Chevy Chase, Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal, add the name Steve Martin. Sure, technically he was on there a long time ago, but unlike the others, Martin is still making movies. Today, he unleashes his latest abomination, The Pink Panther 2, which is opening to terrible reviews, even for a February release. Next up, Martin plans to team up with fellow ham Eddie Murphy to remake Silver Streak.

This party pooper economy

If you’re reading this article at work, then you know economic times are tough. For the rest of you sitting at home, eating ramen while reading this, let us tell you that economic times are tough.

While some people worry about losing their jobs (they can’t lay you off if you quit), others are worried about something more serious: their parties.

Event planners are losing money this season because people won’t blow their extra money on full-out ragers, like bar mitzvahs and quinceañeras. (Ask a HombresSeriamentes reader.)

Even people with the means are scaling back their soirées, trying not to seem ostentatious to the poor schlubs they feed at their birthdays. They even ask event planners for deals on fancy dresses and convention halls.

Pro-tip:
1) Instead of paying an event planner at all, how about planning your own damn party? Better yet, talk to a college student. They’ll tell you everything you need for a party:

  • A keg
  • A deck of cards
  • An Xbox
  • Solo cups, ping-pong balls and a table

2) If you want to survive a recession, get a real job, event planners. The world needs event diggers, too.

You can set a world record, but you’re still the lamest kid in school

Danny Johnson, Wednesday, set a new world record in Guitar Hero III, toppling the previous record set last August in Minnesota.

This is what counts for news these days.

Seth Schiesel reports that Johnson recorded a score of 973,954 in a roughly seven-minute rendition of DragonForce’s Through the Fire and Flames at a Best Buy in Midtown Manhattan. Preparing for the record-setting run, Johnson went through about 80 Guitar Hero controllers, destroying them over the last nine months in practice sessions.

80 Guitar Hero controllers? That’s a lot money, even if you got them used.

Okay, let me revise the title: You can set a world record, but you’re still the lamest (though a member of possibly the most loaded family) kid in school. Word.

Bonger ripped

Yeah, I created my own word in my headline, bite me.

In our continuing effort to give Michael Phelps as much crap as humanly possible, CNN gave us a little help with this news: Phelps, after being banned from competitive swimming for three months, is also losing some of his sponsors (as well as brain cells), including Kellogg.

This comes as no surprise to anyone, even after the initial surprise that Phelps’ photo wasn’t taken of him using a gravity bong in a swimming pool.

The enemy invades the White House

Washington, D.C. is no stranger to attacks from our enemies. One of the most notable was in 1814, when a bunch of gorillas dressed like British soldiers burned the city. More recently, polar bears invaded our nation’s capital. Today, there is far, far worse news.

The enemy has invaded the White House grounds, most likely trying to hold our president hostage.

Yes, folks, raccoons have invaded President Barack Obama’s yard and are trying to get him to surrender. For at least a day, the critters have managed to dodge U.S. National Park Service attempts to capture them. These sneaky bastards refuse to be caught in those wimpy, humane “live” traps. In so doing, they are making a mockery of our country.

Here’s an idea: you know those snipers on the roof? Why not use them?

Some say the scarcity of acorns, our strategy to kill of squirrels, is the cause of the invasion. That’s what the CIA calls “blowback.”

(Courtesy of Kerry)